les yeux de la tete

Coming home. Homecoming.

2011-06-23T02:00:00.000-07:00

Bittersweet.

"Coming Home"
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming

[Diddy]
Back where I belong, yeah I never felt so strong
(I’m back baby)
I feel like there’s nothing that I can’t try
And if you with me put your hands high
(put your hands high)
If you ever lost a light before, this ones for you
And you, the dreams are for you

I hear “The Tears of a Clown”
I hate that song
I feel like they talking to me when it comes on
Another day another Dawn
Another Keisha, nice to meet ya, get the math I’m gone
What am I ‘posed to do when the club lights come on
Its easy to be Puff, its harder to be Sean
What if the twins ask why I aint marry their mom (why, damn!)
How do I respond?
What if my son stares with a face like my own
And says he wants to be like me when he’s grown
Sh-t! But I aint finished growing
Another night the inevitible prolongs
Another day another Dawn
Just tell Taneka and Taresha I’ll be better in the morn’
Another lie that I carry on
I need to get back to the place I belong

[Dirty Money - Chorus]
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming

[Diddy - Verse 2]
“A house is Not a Home“, I hate this song
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone
And n-ggas got the nerve to blame you for it
And you know you woulda took the bullet if you saw it
But oyu felt it and still feel it
And money can’t make up for it or conceal it
But you deal with it and you keep ballin’
Pour out some liquor, play ball and we keep ballin’
Baby we’ve been living in sin ’cause we’ve been really in love
But we’ve been living as friends
So you’ve been a guest in your own home
It’s time to make your house your home
Pick up your phone, come on

[Dirty Money - Chorus]
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming

[Diddy - Verse 3]
“Ain’t No Stopping Us Now“, I love that song
Whenever it comes on it makes me feel strong
I thought I told y’all that we won’t stop
We back cruising through Harlem, Viso blocks
It’s what made me, saved me, drove me crazy
Drove me away than embraced me
Forgave me for all of my shortcomings
Welcome to my homecoming
Yeah it’s been a long time coming
Lot of fights, lot of scars, lot of bottles
Lot of cars, lot of ups, lot of downs
Made it back, lost my dog (I miss you BIG)
And here I stand, a better man! (a better man)
Thank you Lord (Thank you Lord)

[Dirty Money - Chorus]
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming
--Diddy, Dirty Money

Sometimes

2011-06-23T01:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we scream and shout and no one hears. Is it because it falls on deaf ears?
Are they not listening? Are we not saying things loudly and clearly enough?

Certain images will never leave me. My father on his knees beside my bed, crying as I am crying. Writhing in pain emotionally as I writhe in pain physically. These are images we are never supposed to see, or feel, or experience, or know.

I have never been in a place so dark. The fear that it will all come back again can be stifling. Being young has never been such a curse. Or is it a blessing? 151/97. 100/61. Before and after.

I will never be so thankful as I have been for the love and kindness of friends. I've learned over the last several years that if you do not give people a chance to stand up and care for you by telling them what is going on, then how can you discount them for not doing so. I've learned that to be cared for you must make yourself vulnerable. I've been so much more vulnerable. And yet, the closest people to me have not heard me shout and scream for help. Beg for aid, for relief, for someone, something to stop the madness.

In the end I learned, if you do not help yourself, no one else is at fault. We are responsible for our own fate. In the end I felt blasphemous. Stronger than God. Though I prayed with all my might to be saved.

If you don't help yourself, who will?

2011-06-01T00:44:00.000-07:00

I've never cried more in my life. Some days I wake up with salt on my cheeks because I am crying in my sleep.

Most days I work on the verge of tears.

I do everything I can to distract myself from the pain. I am so distracted I can't focus.

I need help.

This is not a cry for help. It's a f*cking scream.

Double paroles

2011-06-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

Funny.

I realized just a second ago that I've had nothing to say here for a long time. In fact, my last substantive post here...was more than a year ago. I want to come back to writing here, but I don't want to hold myself to anything, or make it more than a simple outlet. I've missed writing for myself in this black hole of the Internet.

Here's a song for you, for me.

Oh, that reminds me. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now." Do you get the connection still?

So much meaning in these words:

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's stuff that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

--OneRepublic's "Good Life"

I've never been one to give up. But I do not like who I am becoming. This song reminds me of hope.

Diction matters, huh?

Some questions -- no answers

2011-05-31T23:52:00.000-07:00

Can strength of character actually be a character flaw? Can it work against you?

I finally understand the mentality that makes someone think that cutting themselves is the answer. Is that empathy a problem in and of itself?

At what point is it all too self destructive?

Felt like a fraud today when I was included in the group that doesn't tie up the medical system/emergency rooms, etc... It was said during a coffee chat. "You and I don't"...etc.

No one else can pull the stops on this. This is my responsibility. Why am I continuing to hurt myself? What is wrong with me?

A list of what I ate today:

Cereal and milk
A sesame bagel and cream cheese
Chocolate chip cookie
Chai soy latte
A bag of fritos
Broccoli/meat/potatoes/shrimp/carrots and brown rice
20 pieces of sour candy
Four pieces of brownie
A burger
15 tater tots
Can of ginger ale
Handful of hot tamales
Bottle of beer

This week:

All of that, plus...
McDonald's twice (full meals, plus McFlurry)
Burger/tots
Many sour candies and twizzlers
Kettle corn
Many handfuls of hot tamales
Many bags of Fritos
Two dark chocolate chilli bars
Many cans of diet coke
Many soy chai lattes
Many cups of coffee
Chips and salsa, refried bean sauce
Frozen yogurt and piles and piles of candy toppings
Oil dripping shrimp tacos, rice and beans
Pho tai
Breakfast burrito
Cookies, scones, banana bread, cinnamon roll
Multiple cherry cokes

I really can't remember. Much much more along those lines.
Grand total daily caloric intake? 5-6,000 a day? If I could hazard a guess.

This is what happens when the only positive thing in your life is food and when nothing else seems to matter.

Free tumbling into constantly new lows.

Maybe I should rename this blog that.

Oh, I did meet two guys.

Ha.

Silver lining: Four or five books or a political career's worth of material here.

I have never been in more pain in my life.

Pretty much at wits end

2011-05-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

It's taken about two years and three months to get here. It seems like everything changed for me Feb. 12, 2009. I also did it to myself. Changing jobs, locations, partners, lifestyles. Abandoning what I know.

I feel so lost.

I'm experiencing so much pain -- physical, emotional, mental.

I don't have any answers now.

I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.

Is this all life has to offer?

I really hope not.

Nothing to say

2009-09-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Lately, it seems, music is my only way of speaking. Those words of Imogen Heap spin round my mind.

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this

And it's like those words are enough. For the moment. Isn't it that way with most relationships. Time and again I am blown away by how naturally selfish people are. Just how little they truly care for other human beings. By how egocentric, self-serving, egotistical we are. A certain amount of self-esteem is, of course, necessary for all healthy people. But, slowly, I've come to believe that our generation has overdosed on this small measure. And we are a society of gluttons. In more ways than one. How many people have rationalized their selfish actions through the immortal words of Heap. "That you only meant well...that it's all for the best...that it's just what we need."

The man I thought I knew, that I thought I trusted, that I thought I loved, that I thought loved me, said to me yesterday that he "sacrificed everything to be with" me. The words stopped me cold. Sacrificed for who? For what? Normally sacrifice denotes something done on behalf, or for the gain, of someone else. What do I gain here? Nothing. Today's world denotes sacrifice as a personal gain. You sacrifice for your own gain. He "sacrificed" so that he could gain more. He lied so that the game could play on. And he would have continued to do so. That is less sacrifice than personal gamble. What is this world we live in now?

I was up in the Bay Area a weekend ago, and when I got into town I bought a BART ticket with $10 on it. On my way into town from the airport, I realized that my ticket had disappeared. Either I'd misplaced it, or someone had helped that occur. Whatever the case may be, I figured that it was something easily remedied. Maybe the BART agent would give me a replacement ticket, maybe it would just be my loss...hopefully not. At the exit, I took the elevator down. And while the open air and street was to my right, and others walked on out without swiping their passes...I decided to deal with the situation. I went over to the agent.

"Sir, I have a bit of a problem."

"You have to go through the gates and swipe your ticket," he said brusquely.

"That's just the thing. I can't seem to find my ticket. But I did buy one at the airport for $10," I said, gesturing to my large suitcase. "I think it may have been stolen."

"A lost ticket pays $5.40," he said.

"Oh, so I only lose a couple dollars?" I trailed off...thinking.

"A lost ticket pays $5.40," he barked again.

"Oh, I have to pay that fee? In addition to the $10 I lost? I could have just walked out of here, as those other people did."

"You have to pay or that's a $300 ticket you're going to get!"

"But I don't want to pay anything more. I understand why you have this rule here. But I'm telling the truth. You can see my suitcase. I regularly ride BART when I'm here. I mean I could have walked out."

"And I'll have you arrested. If there are policemen out there I'll have you arrested right now. And a $300 ticket written up for you."

And, maybe it was all that I've been through recently. But I got a bit emotional. My eyes welled up.

"Where is your humanity? Where is your kindness and compassion?"

"PAY!" he barked, motioning his hands away in a wave at my words and glaring at me as he had throughout our encounter. "YOU MUST PAY. Do you think I can change the rules just for you?"

I opened up my wallet, openly bawling by now. Those who know me, know this is not "usual" behavior. Whatever that is. I paid the man. Then I told him I hoped he got *his* back. Whatever that means. It was meant to be menacing. I wanted him to feel frightened. He just smirked at me and waved his hand away. Smirked at my tears.

And I felt again, so empty, so betrayed. So cold. What has happened to people?

True, he was doing his job. But are we so callous and uncaring that regular interactions cannot be more humane. That we cannot look at a situation and react with kindness? He could have sympathized with me, he could have explained his predicament, he could have done many more things than what he did. Why?

There are no answers to my question. I ask "why" nearly every day now. I wonder why people are as they are. I was told to invest less in each interaction with people. That if I didn't care so much, I wouldn't be affected as greatly. Is that the answer to living in this world?

Is that a world I want to live in?

"Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap

2009-09-09T16:17:00.001-07:00

"Hide And Seek Lyrics
Artist(Band):Imogen Heap

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit"

"Jolene" by Ray LaMontagne

2009-08-14T01:39:00.000-07:00

"Cocaine flame in my bloodstream
Sold my coat when I hit Spokane

Bought myself a hard pack of cigarettes in the early morning rain
Lately my hands they don't feel like mine
My eyes been stung with dust and blind
Held you in my arms one time
Lost you just the same
Jolene
I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in a ditch
Booze in my hair
Blood in my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means
Jolene
Been so long since I seen your face
Or felt a part of this human race
I've been living out of this here suitcase for way too long
A man needs something he can hold onto
A nine pound hammer or a woman like you
Either one of them things will do
Jolene
I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in a ditch
Booze in my hair
Blood on my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means
Jolene
Jolene
Jolene"

"No Man's Woman"--Sinead O'Connor

2009-08-10T01:05:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna be no man's woman
It don't make me happy this mantrolling
thing that you got for me so I become
no man's woman

I don't wanna be no man's woman
I've other work I want to get done
I haven't travelled this far to become
no man's woman
no man's woman

Cuz I'm tired of it
and I'm so scared of it
that I'll never trust again
cuz a man can fake you
take your soul and make you
miserable in so much pain

My friends think I'm alone but I've got secrets
I don't tell everything about the love I get
I got a lovin' man but he's a spirit

He never does me harm never treats me bad
He'd never takes away all the love he has
and I'm forgiven oh a million times

I'm never tired of it
and I'm not scared of it
cuz it doesn't cause me pain
Like a man can fake you
take your soul and make you
never be yourself again

I never wanna be no man's woman
I only wanna be my own woman
I haven't travelled this far to become
no man's woman (x3)

2009-08-06T19:51:00.001-07:00

I suppose I have found the sorrow in my life again to give me new reason to blog.

There was this guy I was dating, since the end of October, and though I told myself otherwise and tried to remain apart, I fell completely and totally in love with him. I contemplated his mentions of marriage and a future together. I discounted his faults. I really tried to support him and help him in all his endeavors. I gave him a key to my place. As a commitment phobe, I had really made the jump. And yet, something kept me from totally letting go of myself. Maybe it was that intuitive voice in the back of my head. The one you always try to discount, I guess, and later realize why you should have listened.

I went against my one family for him. I challenged my parents; allowed myself to ruin my relationship with my father; and ditched friendships. I indulged, I suppose. For about more than nine months I was in it. He was my boyfriend, my best friend. The man who supported me through thick and thin; he was there for me after my car wreck; he picked me up at the hospital; he told me he loved me...

And I told it to him back.

To him I confided my deepest secrets and wildest dreams; my hopes for the future; and my fears of the present.

My heart has never been so crushed. I have never felt so alone. I feel like vomiting, but there is nothing to come out. How does one vomit their soul? How does one vomit their heart? When it has been decimated and swallowed up whole, crushed to pieces with no reverence and for no reason at all.

He has a wife.

Not only that, but the entire basis of the last nine months, and the majority of its events, have been grounded in falsehood. And he knew me so well, and I told him everything, and he said he cared, and he said he loved me. And he took my money. And he stole my heart and has bashed it to death.

He doesn't have a brain tumor.

For weeks I have agonized over how to make him feel better; how to help; how to support; how to care. I can function, I can't work. I can hardly live right now.

My life is trn in shreds. Every single aspect of it has some reference to him. Every single aspect of it has some essence of him. Every single aspect of it now revolved around us together. That trip already paid for? Those tickets to the Hollywood Bowl? Another show months from now? Those happy plans of the future? Gone. Forever. In a torrent of piss and vomit and shit and blood.

Because that's what I feel like right now. I feel disembodied. I feel apart from life. I feel so betrayed. I feel...way too much.

And I don't now what to do. I just don't know what to do. I have never been so beyond hope, so much in despair. How could I allow this to happen? What did I do? What should I have done? I should have listened. I should have heeded the warning signs. Yet, I am so cautious in love anyway, I am so scared of being hurt...and I wonder why. And now I know.

He left. Before I even got home, he was gone. I got home to an empty apartment.

Why do we write?

2009-05-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

I haven't written here continuously in years. My last entry was August 2008, way before much of what is currently going on in my life was underway. And so I wonder, why do we write? Why do I write?

Since August, I've found someone who I can talk to, and who fulfills most of my emotional needs, if not all of them. I haven't tested all the boundaries yet, but what I've learned so far has sustained us both, I think.

Much of my past writings for the last year have dwelt on issues of loneliness, isolation, depression, darkness--much like the background of this blog. Black. In most cases, I've been inspired to write because of these feelings. Because, dear blog, you were all I had to count on. So sad that the best writings seems to come out of misery. But I'd like to change that up, and write out of more contentment, out of more regularity or out of a necessity that I continue to do something that gave me such catharsis and such, yes, joy.

Sadly, right now is not the best time to try to talk about things that are happier and less black. On Feb. 12, 2009, I was involved in a serious car wreck on the freeway, which was my fault. Thankfully, no one--except for me--was injured. In a way, I've sort of seen that as my comeuppance from a vengeful God. I know it doesn't work that way. Necessarily. But, well, when I look back on this past Jewish year...I wonder what the heck I did, or didn't do. By all accounts it's been a very lucky or very unlucky year. I suffered potentially deadly experiences twice and came out alive. Yet, why did they have to happen at all? I wonder. I'm sure I'm being taught some cosmic lesson--but I'd rather do without the 7-mm disc bulges in my L5-S1 lower (lumbar) back...or the multiple mini-er bulges in my neck and the screwed up muscles and tightness. Not to mention the failure of my immune system to ward of one illness after another. Ironically, still, I look like I'm still fit and in relatively good health. Because of all the exercises, my core is actually possibly stronger now than it was prior to my accident. Funny how the world works.

And yet, the things I enjoyed most in life...climbing, my work, and driving...are dead for me, for the moment. Those like-minded friends I'd found in my wilderness course...have gone on without me bagging peaks, ice climbing, technical climbing, traveling and camping...

Alone again, sorta.

My boss was right. I am a loser.

2008-08-26T02:19:00.001-07:00

As is so common in my life right now. I can't sleep.

A song comes on Pandora--"All good things (come to an end)" by Nelly Furtado. It's a song that I definitely identify with. Ironically, it was introduced to me by a former friend. Well, a "friend" in title, at least. But no longer a friend in reality, it seems. And I don't quite understand it. I mean, I feel like I've done my part here. I truly do. And it bothers me. Isn't that okay? Why do I feel guilty for letting it bother me?

I realized some time ago, and only recently came to truly accept, the fact that most of my friends do not live nearby, that I somehow have managed to cultivate long-thin ties to friends that span states, countries and continents...and that maybe it is my nature, or my avoidance of true friendship. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not sure. It wasn't intentional.

The friends I have here, were often friends of convenience. Were they people I truly shared passions with? Interests with? Temperaments with? Values with? I think that's unlikely.

When one enjoys one's company more than the company one keeps...you know it's time to cut ties. IS there a reason to keep people around for mere ornamentation?

But then, ah, what about that overpowering feeling of loneliness. You know, when everyone has people who care about them, and you're just...you. Pathetic.

The fact alone that one cannot cultivate a good friendship must be telling. I've cultivated them before, but someone have managed to screw them over...or at least I've watched them disintegrate often for reasons I don't quite understand. Maybe I'm a lazy friend? Maybe I'm not express enough? Maybe I don't do enough? Maybe I don't need enough? Maybe I'm not social enough? I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I just know that most of the people who are "friends" of mine, are not friends.

I know that if I left this place tomorrow. If I canceled my life online. If I closed up shop. If I just left. Barring my parents, no one would notice. Not. One. Soul.

Because no one checks on me. No one really cares. And not that I need someone to check on me. God knows that is annoying. (There you see, maybe another reason I have no friends.) But, it would be nice to know people care every once in a while.

This is a grave I dug myself, however, perhaps because I did not put in enough effort to my friendships.

But when I think that way, I think about this friendship that I did put effort into...and this other one too...and that other one too...and I am baffled.

I wish I weren't a socially-minded animal.

I wish I had friends. Here. Now. With me.

I know. I know. As I said before. I did it to myself. In focusing on work, I focused out nearly everything else. But did I?

I've always thought that I could play hard and work hard. I've done this most of my life. Yet, I wonder what little of me that leaves for truly investing in relationships. All work, all play. No investment. What energy do I have left for someone else? What energy is necessary for someone else? Would that be a chore if it existed?

Is my chaotic life truly just an organization scheme that allows me to avoid all true ties with people, all real connections? To avoid everything other than a passing superficial relationship?

Why am I always running? What am I running toward? What am I running from?

Pretty much all I have.

2008-08-26T02:06:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, I had very few doubts. I had a lot of faith. I wasn't even sure, exactly, in what. But I had faith.

When I was a youth, I had a lot of hope. I wasn't even sure what that hope was for--but it existed, kind of like my faith.

That faith, that hope, manifested itself in many ways. Many small ways, in daily life. For example, there were no doubts in my mind that I would end up married, happily, with a man that I love, and that I would follow up with creating a family I adored. I knew I would go on to do what I love, because, well, why else would I do it? These were such simple things that I believed in. They seem simple, don't they?

It wasn't until one day when I was, maybe 13, that a friend of mine said she was not sure she would marry. I was incredulous. But why? I asked her. She didn't seem to feel like it was her choice, but the choice of others who would determine her destiny. Who would *choose* her, or not. And therefore, she couldn't be sure.

I had always thought *I* determined my destiny. That it was *my* decision, *my* choices, that would ultimately create my future. Other people figured into this? What?

There's a happy ignorance in one's youthful thoughts. And there, at that moment, a tiny crack of doubt crept into my thoughts. Of course, I didn't know it then. And I wouldn't really know it until much later. But it got in there. And soon enough, I began to wonder if it was really my choice ater all. I eventually came to lose that faith. I lost a lot of faith. My faith in religion, my faith in God (at times), my spirituality, my hope for much of humanity...much hope for things. I still hope, but it is that hope borne out of despair--almost as a counterweight to despair. That Manichean hope that gives it difference and existence, right there, next to despair.

What the fuck kinda hope is that?

I don't know.

What kind of faith is a faith that struggles to remain faithful. Is it stronger because it hangs by a string? Does that string mean that I have tested and yet remain to hold (fast?) to that string? Or does it mean I am nearly lost?

I feel lost.

There is such a part of me that wishes I could return to that surety that once existed in my life. That youthful surety. That blissful, almost ignorant, delight I had with the world, with religion, with spirituality, with the future, with hope.

Ironically, as I've become more confused in life, I have found more and more beauty in the world itself. I used to despair, sometimes, of life. But now I love life so much more. There is an anguish that exists in life, in the human-ness of others--and of myself--that is beautiful. That is sad. That is real.

At least that is something. And at this point, it's pretty much all I have.

Alone.

2008-08-26T01:59:00.000-07:00

There's a certain kind of loneliness. A certain kind of solitude, which springs not out of desperation, but out of resignation. There's a certain kind of sadness that gnaws at you, much like that loneliness. But it's worse now. Because unlike other times, when there was a naive desperation, a sort of misunderstanding of what it all meant; there is knowledge now of what it means to be alone. Completely. and. utterly. alone. It is not a choice, necessarily, but a condition--a characteristic, a situation, a reason...

Self-dependence, self-reliance are such important terms, not only for life and living, but for enjoying said life and living. No wonder Ralph Waldo Emerson was so well liked, or is so well liked (at the very least)...he allowed one to validate, ignore, or rationalize solitude and loneliness. I am self-reliant, one could say. Or, I am practicing self reliance.

No, you're just a loser with no friends.

A sureal existence.

2008-06-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

That's my life. Somehow I often find myself feeling like I'm living in two different worlds. Like I'm not necessarily fully present in this world, in this Domestic existence. I need out.

How I miss traveling. How I miss feeling and seeing the world. And just experiencing everything for myself.

I don't feel fully here as I dream of elsewhere. But then, I'm only there in my dreams...

And what of reality?

G-d how I yearn to get out of here. On my own terms.

Awake.

2008-05-15T01:50:00.001-07:00

It's hard to sleep. And yet. For some reason, I persist in remaining awake. I persist in surfing the Internet. I persist.

These days my heart has been a little jolty. Not the spirit of my heart, nor the essence of my heart either. Literally, my heart. Sometimes I will feel it beat rapidly for a second and then feel like it's plummeting. I worry that it's something serious. But I don't check my pulse in those microseconds, and so I have nothing other than this weird hypochondriac suspicion that something is happening to me. Something that I should be aware of.

It happened again.

This time, I felt one of those lumps in your throats...you know...one of those things, rise up from my chest into my throat for a second. What do I do about this?

I suppose I'll continue to ignore it for a bit.

In a way, after not blogging for so long, I'm blogging again--in the dark. It's interesting. Well, what with the black background, it's actually illustrative. But, you know, I did think it very unhealthy when I stopped blogging for so long. Imagine the um, well, for lack of a better term, imaginative constipation that would result.

Now, I fear, I can't write for shit.

I'm serious.

Perhaps I just take myself far to seriously and I need to loosen up a bit.

Don't we all?

"Backup"

2008-05-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

That's what I was, "backup."

Never first. Never chest forward, but back down. After. Last one up-ped.

It was a new sensation I suppose. I mean, you know it going in, all that bullshit about the fish and the pond: big fish, small pond; small fish, big pond.

Back up.

You had to wonder about the start. The beginnings. The origins. Why the uneven ground, why double standards, why second place?

How can you backup from the start? If you're startup, can you be backup?

There's a hypocritical circularity to it all. Startup is brought in as backup. We're brought in to fix the system, then to bolster the system. Then we become part of the system, part of the problem. How is it that we're backup? Why is it that we're backup?

There's no answer to those questions here. It exists above. Back up.

A couple great stories:

2008-05-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

A quick excerpt from "President Apostate?":

As the son of the Muslim father, Senator Obama was born a Muslim under Muslim law as it is universally understood. It makes no difference that, as Senator Obama has written, his father said he renounced his religion. Likewise, under Muslim law based on the Koran his mother’s Christian background is irrelevant.

Of course, as most Americans understand it, Senator Obama is not a Muslim. He chose to become a Christian, and indeed has written convincingly to explain how he arrived at his choice and how important his Christian faith is to him.

His conversion, however, was a crime in Muslim eyes; it is “irtidad” or “ridda,” usually translated from the Arabic as “apostasy,” but with connotations of rebellion and treason. Indeed, it is the worst of all crimes that a Muslim can commit, worse than murder (which the victim’s family may choose to forgive).

With few exceptions, the jurists of all Sunni and Shiite schools prescribe execution for all adults who leave the faith not under duress; the recommended punishment is beheading at the hands of a cleric, although in recent years there have been both stonings and hangings. (Some may point to cases in which lesser punishments were ordered — as with some Egyptian intellectuals who have been punished for writings that were construed as apostasy — but those were really instances of supposed heresy, not explicitly declared apostasy as in Senator Obama’s case.)

And yet another story, excerpted from "The Jewish State at 60":

This week marks the 60th anniversary of the founding of the state of Israel. There have already been many birthday greetings, some heartfelt, some perfunctory, along with numerous reflections on the meaning of the occasion, some profound, some commonplace. For me, however, a discordant voice broke through.

Israel is a “stinking corpse” on its way to “annihilation,” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said last Thursday as Israel celebrated Independence Day. “Those who think they can revive the stinking corpse of the usurping and fake Israeli regime by throwing a birthday party are seriously mistaken,” proclaimed the president of Iran, a nation that is a member in good standing of the United Nations and an active trading partner of countries like Germany and Russia. “Today the reason for the Zionist regime’s existence is questioned, and this regime is on its way to annihilation.”

I didn’t intend, in writing this column, to quote Ahmadinejad. I hate to dignify him by even taking note of his comments. I meant to pay tribute to the Zionists — men like Weizmann and Jabotinsky, Ben-Gurion and Begin — who made possible the almost miraculous redemption of the Jewish people in 1948. And I also intended to recognize the defenders of Israel at moments of crisis — men like Harry Truman and Richard Nixon and George W. Bush.

I thought I might even dwell on the amazing essay by the novelist George Eliot who made a case for Zionism in 1879 — 17 years before the publication of Theodor Herzl’s “The Jewish State.”

“The hinge of possibility,” Eliot wrote, is that among the Jews “there may arise some men of instruction and ardent public spirit, some new Ezras, some modern Maccabees, who will know how to use all favouring outward conditions, how to triumph by heroic example, over the indifference of their fellows and the scorn of their foes, and will steadfastly set their faces towards making their people once more one among the nations.”

I especially found the latter column to be amazingly well done. I've never been a huge fan of Kristol, but he has jumped incredibly in my estimation.

"Life on a Chain" by Pete Yorn.

2008-02-19T22:36:00.000-08:00

"I live on a chain
And you share the same last name
As a joke
I sent a bottle of whiskey
As you choked
You said it made you feel dirty
And I was waiting over here for life to begin
I was looking for the new thing
And you were the sunshine
Headed my front-line
I was alone
You were just around the corner from me.

Time alone is good
I spend my days in the city
Dirty neighborhood
You know you’ll never convince me
So I sold the town away
I couldn’t wait to forget you
Was killed in half a day
I hadn’t time to regret you
And I was waiting over here for life to begin
I was looking for the new thing
And you were the sunshine
Headed my front line
I was alone
You were just around the corner from me.
Yeah

I, I’m still on the chain
And you
Had the same last name
As a joke I sent a bottle of whiskey
As you choked
You said it made you feel dirty
Waiting over here, for life to begin,
Still looking for the new thing
And you were the sunshine
Headed my front-line
I was alone
You were just around the corner from me.
Yeah

You are the sunshine
Headed my front-line
Just around the corner from me
You were
You are the sunshine
Headed my front-line
Just around the corner from me
Just around the corner from me"

--Pete Yorn, "Life on a Chain"

I love this song.

My one day, Sunday.

2008-01-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

I am in Malibu. I had traveled there, but now it seemed I lived there with three other blond ("The Hills"-type) girls.

We're inside the home and then somehow transported outside the home for a bit as I feel a warm Santa Ana brush by me, smell (the lovely scent of) firewood in the air, and see a grayish plume rising in the air above a hill...way too close by for comfort.

That looks like a fire, I think to myself. A man runs by and confirms that it is indeed a fire, "I saw it myself, right over the hill."

I better call the office and let them know, I decide. For some reason, my phone won't let me find the right number, and then I realize...I know the number by heart anyway, why am I searching for it. So I try dialing the number. I keep dialing wrong, and then look down at my Blackberry and realize all the numbers are backwards, as if reflected from the inside of the phone outward. I figure out that I need to put my Blackberry in its holster so that the numbers are facing properly outward through the holster, and then I can dial.

Sounds bad, one of the editors say. And that's about that.

By then, I feel light-headed and woozy. I start seeing yellow spots whenever I look around, feel nauseous, and very sluggish. Dehydrated, I think. But I don't fully realize it.

I tell the other girls that we need to get out of there. But for some reason, they decide we should take a nap instead.

And for some reason, (I think maybe because of the "Acceptance" in FACETS) I decide that I don't want to be the nerd who says no, despite the fact that the home will soon burn down.

After about 10 minutes or so, I wake up feeling feverish. The house is literally on fire--a few wood shingles have already caught.

I tell the other girls that we have to go. I'm standing by the door and realize I have nothing on me but pajamas and socks. And my bed is in the corner of the winter cabin-like house (with triangle roof) that is closest to the actual head of the fire.

So I dash over and grab my green backpack filled with work papers and head for the door. I start feeling very sick. I feel like vomiting as I try to martial my willpower to remain focused on getting away from the fire.

We all run out, but on the way the girls get tired. They decide to stop in a deserted, entirely wood cabin less than 1/2 a mile away. I worry as they sit resting, because 1/2 a mile is not much of a distance when a fire is raging downhill with Santa Anas behind it.

For a moment I think about the home I left, and what I had on me. Not much. No money, nothing other than the clothes on my back. Oh yeah, and a backpack full of papers for work. My stomach crumples on itself as I realize that I didn't take my stuffed animal or my laptop or photos, or any other keepsakes. And I recall with a clammy dread, the fingers of the fire burning into the corner of the house near my bed, where all my things sat.

But I refocus on what is happening around me.

I can see the licks of flaming eating up other homes and I tell them that we've got to split. I launch myself off the side of the door, down what looks like high-rise emergency fire ladders, my hands hitting upon rows of slightly loose nails along the edges of the wood ladder. The scene is very video game-esque as I and the others slide down rows upon rows of ladders. My hand almost slips off at one point as I balance myself on the way down, but the adrenaline allows me to hold on and I don't feel the pain when I grab onto a rusty nail for support.

When we all hit the floor, we start running, fast. (Or at least I did.) Downhill, toward cement and away from all the chaparral. Meanwhile the entire area is being doused by water and fire retardant. It is already muddy and there are tons of debris flows from the previous storm as well as these new drops.

A man I recognize as a teacher's assistant from an English class my senior year goes running by covered in mud with a black backpack on. I ask him if we're going the right way, and he says no, and points around another corner that will lead to a paved parking lot and an area where Sheriff's deputies are escorting people to an evacuation area.

We take off in that direction. Running.

And I wake up in my West Hollywood bed, burning hot.

oh my gosh!

2008-01-16T00:39:00.000-08:00

like, I have a blog?!

Oh woe the day where I betray you entirely and give myself up to an existence sans blog. It's a pity I am too tired to write. There are many interesting things afoot right now. Politically, etc. (Yes, I know that was too brief for the etc. to mean anything, oh well.)

On the personal front, I recently said something that I found quite fitting. (The words of an egomaniac, no?) All my relationships are rebounds...or something of that nature. I wish I could change that. What I wouldn't give for a new, refreshing, non-jaded, etc...genuine, non-pressured, enjoyable, relaxed, romantic relationship.

Again...

2007-11-28T10:20:00.000-08:00

The AP posted a story about the new French "insurrection" yesterday, and I commented excessively about it to myself and others...

When I was living in Paris, I walked some of these "no go" zones (as the earlier AP story called them). To be honest, they're not *that* scary if you don't stick out and you know what you're doing. I really think it depends on what lens you look at these communities through. In a large way, they are a result of such assumptions by Parisians and other French citizens who help create these ghettos with their discriminatory practices.

I've always wondered (especially after seeing "No Country for Old Men") whether they are safer because the populace isn't as widely armed as we are in the U.S. (generally speaking) or if it's scarier, because if they are armed...who knows exactly how they got their weapons.

At first, I wondered why Sarkozy is still in China. But I guess Wednesday isn't too bad, as long as things don't progress. I don't think they will (fingers crossed) because I think people have had enough. Paris will not burn again, but there will definitely be some scores to settle for Sarkozy when he gets back tomorrow.

Although Sarkozy alienated a lot of people living in the suburbs with that "scum" remark a few years ago, he should also remind them that he has been one of their major supporters. Sarkozy has probably been the most high profile guy to back "la discrimination positive," or the French form of affirmative action, which relies on socioeconomic demographics in order to get around the racial discrimination issue (though in essence it achieves nearly the same result). As a result, the halls of Sciences-Po, an Ivy League-esque French university from which Chirac and other such "leaders" came...have a much greater diversity of student histories, backgrounds, and social levels these days. That has been the major testing ground for that social experiment, and now other top tier schools in the France have also picked up similar programs. In a way, Sarkozy, the supposed xenophobe, the way some people talked of him after the last riots, gave minorities, their best shots...and I doubt most of them know it. Anyway, I'm not necessarily a Sarkozy lover, I just think it's best to play it straight.

What do you think about all this? There's hardly any discussion in the States about European politics, which is a real pity...because they are going through a lot of the things we have had to go through, despite our shorter history. In a way it's interesting to look at them deal with the whole immigration, integration issue over the last few years and onward. Not to say that we're nearly over it ourselves. And that's a whole different issue.

-----

Now about Baum's newest story, well, she it's the nail pretty much on the head. I was in Paris 2004-2005, right when I could literally feel things starting to boil over. The situation was not good. The unemployment rate is high. I remember proposing to an editor that we should do a story about young unemployed men. Just that. What they are doing. What these high numbers are doing to society, how society is becoming unbalanced by it. There were many symptoms of what came in 2005 and now...but no one was seemingly willing to deal with them.

"Life is sinusoidal"--Me

2007-11-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

I am sad. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am wistful. I am nostalgic. I am hopeful. I am hoping. I am stupid. I am petty. I am paranoid. I am tired. I am impatient. I am restless. I am ...

I should be going to bed. Isn't that always the case?

I have such doubts about my path in life sometimes. I want to know that there is something more, and that what I am doing is right.

I am so tired of it all. I feel unfulfilled.

Hopefully I'm at pi/2.

Just "i."

2007-09-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

I wish I did this more to make this matter.

How many times have I appealed for someone to talk to about things, for someone I could be brutally and frankly honest with (even if I am, well, LYLT).

Granted, I am less than lucid while writing this, but there are so many things I have wished and hoped for myself...and so many things that I have found myself disappointed about. I don't know if it's better that I learn this now...and that I have time to "bounce back" and recover (forgive the cliche)...

Or, if it would be better to not live through any of this at all. Not live at all.

Don't answer that. I say to myself.

There's that song out there..."Stronger" or something with that in the title, that says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Though we all knew that all along, didn't we? I mean, we're still alive, aren't we?

That being, the royal "We"...

And yet, it's still just "i."

Ponderings.

2007-08-26T16:59:00.001-07:00

I guess that's the reason for a blog in the first place.

Sometimes I check in with myself: reality check. Is everything you're doing what you want? Are you living the life you've always dreamed you'd live?

I think that it is very important to do this.

And so far, I mean, I am very happy with my job. Despite everything, I am doing something I love--and getting paid for it. I think that's everyone's goal.

Yet. I am antsy.

I hear of friends making plans to travel, taking vacations, and I'm having issues just taking off comp days for working extra on the weekend. I don't know why, but I feel responsible, that I must be at the office just in case something happens. I can't shake the bug.

Different bug. The bug to travel. If I keep on like this, I will eventually have to stop things and reevaluate my life a little more seriously. In a year or two I will need to have taken, or take, some time to travel--for an extended period of time. I cannot imagine the rest of my life stretching out before me like this. And if I could, that would be unacceptable. I work to live, though it may sometimes seem a bit opposite. The balance is challenging. But you know, when I'm around here working, I'll give it my all. I just need to get some cojones and figure out how I'm going to get some time off. I don't care about pay either...I'll make it, somehow...

And so, these days, when I evaluate my life, I always think about travel, and how I'm currently grounded. It's been too long. Nearly a year since my last real trip...and I can't stand it. It bothers me every time I think about it. There are way too many places I want to travel to and experience.

I've tried to be happy talking about the new sorta "two week" travel period of corporate America. But I'm not.

Give me a year, give me two years. At worst, I'll need some months.

I've volunteered for Baghdad, so we'll see if I get to go soon. I'm itching to be off!

A little more

2007-08-06T17:58:00.001-07:00

regular scheduled blogging. Woo.

Back home from work early, and though I'm exhausted, I'm about to go for a run. It's quite a privilege. I cannot wait.

Which is why I'm going to make this blog entry short.

I'll be back.

Pense.

2007-08-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've felt semi-settled. Maybe that's why this is the first time in months my curious habit of remaining up into the dwindling hours, listening to music, and feeling the urge to blog...has come back.

I am tortured by prospects right now. But gratified that I have prospects to be tortured by. Correction: Appreciative, much more than gratified. Maybe when I figure out what exactly I will end up doing--notice how passive/pastive that sentence is (and yes, I made up a word)--I will feel better.

A song I really like right now. OK, a couple songs I really like right now.

Half Acre--by Hem

I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
and folded in this scrap of paper
is a land I grew in

Think of every town you've lived in
every room you lay your head
and what is it that you remember?

Do you carry every sadness with you
every hour your heart was broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with you

A man is walking on the highway
A woman stares out at the sea
and light is only now just breaking

So we carry every sadness with us
every hour our hearts were broken
every night the fear and darkness
lay down with us

But I am holding half an acre
torn from the map of Michigan
I am carrying this scrap of paper
that can crack the darkest sky wide open
every burden taken from me
every night my heart unfolding
my home

AND

Straight Lines by Silverchair

Breathing from a hole in my lung
I had no one
But faces in front of me
Racing through the void in my head
To find traces of a good luck academy
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

Sparks ignite I’m training for thought
About no one
And nothing in particular
Watched the sick and suckered and drove
Resent nothing
There’s good will inside of me
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

Wake me up low with a fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

Something I will never forget
I felt desperate
It stuck to the narrow way
Invisible to everyone else
I'm a sex change
And a damsel with no heroin
Ooh, Ooh, Ooh

Wake me up low with a fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

I don't need no time to say
There's no changing yesterday
If you keep talking and I keep walking in straight lines

Wake me up low with a fever
Walking in a straight line
Set me on fire in the evening
Everything will be fine
Waking up strong in the morning
Walking in a straight line
Lately I’m a desperate believer
But walking in a straight line

Let me know what you think...

Uncomfortable.

2007-07-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

That's me.

Suffice it to say that something I took somewhat for granted was compromised this week, and it's been putting an unbearable drain on me.

Though I try to ignore it--I cannot.

Nor can I write about it here.

And so I shall be bland. Life is picking up and really good. I'm almost afraid of making such a generalization, for fear that I will ruin what currently exists.

I love my job--what I do, and why I do it. I pray that I will always feel this way despite the tough times or the easy times that may come. I don't like people whose convictions are fair weather. And so, of course, I must live by example.

The past couple months have been difficult for me. It's been a serious period of adjustment and re-testing my faith in a lot of things. Happily, I feel a lot more settled. Moved in, a bit more. Making progress, a lot more. Energized. Exercised. And, well, soon to be showered.

From long term there, to short term. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

Heave ho. Over 'n out.

Obvious yet amusing.

2007-07-31T19:46:00.000-07:00

An interesting article in today's New York Times talks about The Whys of Mating.

An excerpt if you will:

"Scholars in antiquity began counting the ways that humans have sex, but they weren’t so diligent in cataloging the reasons humans wanted to get into all those positions. Darwin and his successors offered a few explanations of mating strategies — to find better genes, to gain status and resources — but they neglected to produce a Kama Sutra of sexual motivations.

Perhaps you didn’t lament this omission. Perhaps you thought that the motivations for sex were pretty obvious. Or maybe you never really wanted to know what was going on inside other people’s minds, in which case you should stop reading immediately."

Quite interesting. I especially found the graf that discussed reasons people gave hilarious. Additionally, the paper included links to the actual studies, the chance to participate in another study and an area to comment. Now that's interactivity.

e = exhaustion (a continuing thread)

2007-06-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

Going to call it a night in a few minutes. But first, a long overdue post.

It's been more than a month--a couple months? I've gone to Hawai'i and come back, with nary a post or a hint of the dramas I've lived. Maybe for the better. I'm just being melodramatic.

So quick catchup.

Love life: prospects. indecision. I don't know what I want. What else is new.

Work life: same ol'.

Family life: It's been pretty crazy recently. Long story. Drama? What else is new.

Personal life: hectic. I just signed a lease for a new apartment, and there's a lot to do, and I'm always exhausted. It seems I can hardly keep track of anything--appointments, doctors and anything else. I have too many things to take care of...maybe I'm not organized enough. I need to prioritize, and make better lists. Oh the unending lists.

And yet, as I was driving home tonight. I know things are crazy and hectic and often tough in life. But I do have such a good life. I'm well fed, I can afford to buy things--despite my high credit card, cell phone bills, etc.--and I can basically do what I want. I am the one that essentially sets my boundaries, imprisoning myself in whatever particular situation I am in.

On that note, good night. For now.

Why?

2007-05-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

Why do people judge people?

Why do they talk behind each others' backs?

I'm not saying I've never done it.

But sometimes, you realize the hurt you inflict on others, that you put people through...

Why can't the world be more sensitive to people?

I went to an office reception tonight. It was supposed to be a happy night. But it ended up being quite sad. And that's an understatement. I saw something I didn't want to see. Experienced things I didn't want to experience.

Overall: I feel numb.

And my eyes are still tearing. Dammit.

a day like today

2007-04-17T00:21:00.000-07:00

...puts it all in perspective. I had to turn it off. The television, the news, the constant death, death, death.

What happened today at Virginia Tech took a while to sink in, and then it really sank.

I cannot imagine what those students, parents and professors must be feeling. My arms ache from work and I'm exhausted, but I live. I'm overcome with sadness for those who lost their lives today, or because of today. And I am happy--I feel fortunate--that I am alive. Why does it take such tragedy to realize the value of ones life and the fleeting temporal quality of it all? "I'll live" is such a statement of benign resignation, a cynical acceptance of life as it is, when it should really be a passionate enthusiasm of carpe deium. The Columbine shooting of 1999 was called a "massacre" by all news reports--13 people were killed, 12 students, and one teacher. Tuesday's shooting at Virginia Tech cost 32 people (not including the gun man) their lies.

I don't know what will happen in Congress regarding gun laws, and I do not necessarily support excessive legislation that will outdo the 2nd Amendment, but I do think something here must be done. An "incident" (and that word always makes something sound so much pettier than it is) like this cannot occur without reaction on a broad federal level. Either regarding school safety protocol like training of campus security, campus security measures, student notification...something. Campus security needs to step up and explain what happened. Why were students allows to go to their classes? Why did two hours elapse, allowing the shooter to go back out and shoot others? The proper response--and it is obvious that something was awry--could have saved at least 30 lives, and prevented more than a dozen injuries.

I am disgusted. What a senseless waste of life. It's easy to point fingers, but its more important that the story comes out quickly and factually correct. Explanations are necessary. Proper change is key. It's also good to remember that the only person directly at fault here is the psycho who decided to act out whatever visions he had in his head and make others--other innocents--pay for this. Where is the justice?

What is this world coming to?

honestly, really...

2007-04-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do have problems right now.

I think it's worth admitting there's a problem when alcohol seems like a much better escape than real life. Or, when you admire the relationships fictional television characters have, in comparison to your own.

Tomorrow I have a "date" of sorts, if it can even be typified as such. It's with a guy I have no real interest in, who I am sure is merely interested in a booty call of sorts, it's a random nothingness intended probably as a mere ego boost to myself and otherwise a tragic-comedic meeting of sorts on his part.

Yeap, I'm an idealist, can't you tell?

Anyway, I have less than two weeks before my next 1.5 years are determined.

I also have very few days until I need to finish up my taxes. Just to throw that in there.

I'm falling apart, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I'm doing my best. And the harder I work, the more screwed I feel. Or rather, am. Who am I fooling here? Reality is worth a lot more than mere rhetoric. I've been screwed, I am screwed. I let myself be screwed.

That's not the way, is it?

Sometimes, I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing in life, if I'm losing years off my life, working toward stress levels worthy of an ulcer, and sabotaging all signs of a social life, by doing what I do.

It's kind of like that line, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

It's been way too many fool me twices here.

I'm the jester in this court.

2007-03-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

It was the accumulation of the week or so. I think. That finally did me in.

I've said for quite a while that I'd be an alcoholic under normal circumstances...normal, meaning if I could get myself to drink on a regular basis, on a near constant basis...all the time. I couldn't. Oh, trust me, I tried.

Well, I think I've found the trick. Perseverance.

It was a funny week.

When my boss asked me if my personal issues would affect my work...I replied, "Man, you don't even know. These are the dregs. The dregs. Of what I've been through." Or I said something like that...maybe I left out the "man."

It was a painful week.

I felt totally useless and totally alone. Inane in the membrane. I couldn't think. I couldn't function. I thought, perhaps I'd lost my groove. And my name isn't even Stella.

There were people who tried to befriend me. Who tried to gain my trust, who were incredibly kind, at moments. And I never hoped in such people, because G-d knows they'll betray you when you really begin to count on them. And it was true, in a way. I counted a bit, saw them not there, and stopped counting. Right now I can't count period. My head's a little too dizzy.

And so I decided to just down things, whatever. When I was in Paris, I had bottles upon bottles of wine in my attempts to fluidize the pain. I went domestic on myself and cooked myself whole meals. I also gained a helluva lot of weight in the process and probably killed dozens of brain cells. In the end I was able to normalize a bit.

Was that the best way? Who the hell cares.

I continuously wonder if it'd be better if I left the country. I've done it before--was I running away from things? Almost surely. And I learned that you cannot run from things, but you can restart, in a way. Find yourself, by testing yourself.

Perhaps I need to test myself in another way, I need to get out of this place and find a new comfort zone. This one hurts too much.

People tell me, "Oh, you can always talk to me, you can always trust me." If we were playing cards, I'd say "Bull shit."

Bull shit.

Anyway, I've gone from Cabernet to Merlot. That guy from "Sideways" would be disappointed. He'd probably cuss me out. Well, bring it.

I think a fight would do me good. Perhaps I'd get all bloodied up, maybe vomit up fear and waves of nausea. Then perhaps I'd feel better.

I don't know what I want. I do know that seeing Jack last weekend disturbed me more than I let on. Than I let him on. Than I let myself on...most of all. I don't know what I want.

There were many times when we were talking that I thought to myself--is he breaking up with me?--but then again, one, we're not dating...two, what does any of it mean anyway?

Damn the ongoing sagas and the constant dramas.

"Everybody needs someone," Adrian said, the other night at dinner. "Well, I need someone--Nicole," he corrected, with a small smile, looking over at his lovely girlfriend.

I'll always envy the people who have someone they trust and rely on with their whole hearts. I wonder if I ever will. I truly do.

Just what I needed.

2007-03-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

"Dear LYLT,

How are you doing? Is life good for you right now? You must be excited about graduate school--I wonder where you're going. Well right now I'm still 17...I recently got into a car crash that completely overturned my life....

...Don't lose touch with old friends. Keep in touch with family, cousins, too!...I haven't been feeling very well as of late. I think it's a mixture of sadness, depression and anxiety.

...You know, LYLT, that whatever you do you will be successful, it's not about the money. Don't rush too fast--but focus on what you want and don't be sidelined. Journalism or medicine--whatever you like. You know that I will always be there for you and proud of you. Take good care of yourself--don't be reckless, you only live once (from both aspects)--take risks, but don't endanger your life. I wish you all the luck--don't get burned out. Have a high ethical standard. Remember the political battle in journalism over editor-in-chief? Stick with it--do not get discouraged. You will prevail in the end. Don't forget birthdays....LYLT, don't isolate yourself--but also don't be lazy. You need to work hard and play hard. Manage your time--read the newspaper and don't forget to vote.

...LYLT, don't let things pull you down too much--and don't believe everything people tell you...Sometimes, I hate my life. I mean I wish I were someone else. I have a horrible headache and I feel like nothing. Do you feel that way? Live a meaningful life, take advantage of joys and take care of number one. LYLT, I know it's weird to say this, but if you ever need to hear it or if you're feeling badly--having a hard time--I love you and I want you to be happy, healthy, live forever and be prosperous. Also, don't get involved in drugs or alcohol--it's a long and nasty road. Anyway, Mr. C is retiring this year. I'm back home listening to "Something in the way she moves" by the Beatles. Right now I really like John Mayer. The Lakers are playing in the finals against the NJ Nets. I know this is a sucky way to end. But, I may end up writing forever if I don't. Just remember, LYLT, you are your own person--you don't need other people to make you or make you feel happy. Be your own person, your own ego boost. Stick up for what you want and go get it. It may be hard. But believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Love,

LYLT"

(received today, excerpts of a letter written to myself as a senior in high school, five years ago 6/12/02)

that is it.

2007-03-16T00:33:00.001-07:00

I have had enough of this bull shit.

Vague on purpose...*

2007-03-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded again of a line from "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle," a line that gave me a lot of comfort way back when. Said by a black dude in prison, who has suffered a lot of wrongs at the hands of very ignorant, racist people...

"The universe tends to unfold as it should..."

And of course, the film proceeds, and I won't tell you what happens...But, in his case, the universe unfolds as it should.

I cannot tell you how many times I have repeated that line to myself in the past, seeking some sort of consolation, or karmic vindication for things I felt terribly wrong, unjust or just plain annoying.

I'm not quite sure how things will go for me in this next week. How things that matter incredibly to me--a lot--in ways that are impossible for me to truly quantify...(that seems to be the tenor of things these days)...will go. I can only say, "the universe tends to unfold as it should"--and hope, and pray, that how it should go...is in my favor.

*I don't post about work, typically, but this relates in great part to frustrations I am dealing with at work--as well as personally, in every way possible. Yes, I still love my job...No, I'm not (yet) suicidal. *grin of smirking sarcasm*

Stifling hatred of self.

2007-03-02T00:49:00.000-08:00

It's times like right now where I feel like throwing up the papers, laptop, whatever is in front of me--the more dramatic the better--and reconsidering exactly what I'm doing with my life.

What is wrong with me?

I can be so careless and irresponsible, and reckless sometimes. And I know the consequences of this--a loss of credibility...personal integrity gets marred, oh so easily. And there goes my estimation in the eyes of everyone that matters--including myself.

Things that are in my control, and yet I f*cking screw up.

Sometimes I think I need to reexamine my life, reexamine exactly what I am doing, and why I am doing it...and if I wouldn't perhaps be better suited for another job. Where my mistakes aren't so costly and so ruinous. Weeks of work, weeks of waiting, weeks of sourcing...screwed by one word.

F*ck me. GAHHHHHHHHH.

Missing...

2007-02-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

Me.

Feeling very blech, out of my depth, incompetent...undervalued by myself as well as others. Something's got to give. Or rather, change.

I do hope that all that I have worked for becomes a reality, and my work (and subsequently almost everything I've been living for this past month) doesn't go to waste.

Wish I had beer.

needa sleep. and so i blog.

2007-02-19T00:56:00.000-08:00

and evidently, I'm still awake.

Which leads me to the inevitable question: to drug? Or not to drug? Wait, I made that two questions.

Well, you get my drift.

I'm feeling particularly full, and blech. Had a good night, but work is so soon.

I also feel particularly discouraged on that front. When did I lose the ability to finish what I started, to not be able to read a book, to not be able to finish an article...to not be able to write on a coherent, cohesive, and complex subject matter, without losing my mind?

Maybe this blog is not helping. (J/K)

Ugh, just sucks feeling like you suck.

I'm also wondering what exactly I want. What do I want? In life, in love, in family, in friendship, in work, in myself?

About much of these things, I have no clue. I know I'd like happiness, as most people, I am sure...but what conditions would entail and ensure this? I want all of the above, in full measure, in full success...but what are the proper ratios? How does one go about determining this? Where do you decide to strike the balance?

These are things I am still working out. Ironically, I saw the movie "Click" tonight, which really does address a lot of these ideas that I have recently been wrestling with. Yes, it was slightly corny, but I still liked it--and recommend it. In fact, I joked to EBF tonight (yes, we are friends now--more later), that the movie should be required viewing material for all workaholics, a syllabus fixture for Workaholics Anonymous.

raises hand

Step One's admitting it. Now how do I seek help?

happy v. day?

2007-02-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

My Valentine's day started at about 4 a.m. this morning, wait, no, actually about 3:30 a.m....thereabouts. When I woke up to screaming and yelling from the apartment next to mine. And then there was pounding, and banging, and what sounded like smacking...and things being broken...

And I heard this...all mostly from the guy:

"I'll show you"...

"Do you think I'm a p*ssy? DO YOU THINK I'M A P*SSY? DO YOU THINK I'M A P*SSY?!?!"

"What are you going to call the police?"

"Don't touch me..."

"You WHORE"

"Six years...for nothing"...

I watched from the little hole in the door, the adrenaline pulsing through my body, and my fingers wrapped around my cell--the complex security post's number already punched in.

The door kept opening and slamming, and opening and slamming, then finally, a man emerged with a big black suitcase. He walked out. I took a big breath in. Sigh.

Then I heard the suitcase drop. And he ran back. "I'll show youuu....." He said, as he stalked into the apartment again, and the banging and slamming and yelling continued...

I'd already called security when I heard the suitcase drop. And when I told them what happened, I got connected to 911 dispatch. And they sent a car out.

How was I to be sure that he wasn't beating the shit out of her. Better safe than sorry. I would not wait around any longer.

But the cops did. Geez did they take forever, and I waited around...worried, unable to sleep...

Eventually they did come, and things got sorted out. It was obvious from my neighbors' point of view that I called the cops on them, but, I suppose it was for a higher cause. In the end, he wasn't hitting her (nor her him), but instead, just destroying their apartment. They'd apparently gone out to a club, this couple, husband and wife, married for about six years...(he told the cops this was their first fight--B.S., I've heard them before, part of the reason why I was a bit frightened for her)...anyway, at the club he got jealous because some guys were looking at her, he called her a whore, and she left pissed (pun intended) in a taxi. He tried calling her, but she didn't return his call for a couple hours, and he got worried. When she returned, they had that helluva fight.

Jesus Christos.

First of all, I cannot imagine ever being with a man who said some of the filthy things that came out of that man's mouth. Period. Especially directed to (supposedly) the person he loves, enough at least to marry, but even without that...this is someone he's in a relationship with. Where is the respect?

Hearing about incidents like this. About parents calling each other names in front of their kids, hearing such violence, listening and seeing what went on there...it really makes me fear for the generation of people forming partnerships and families--if you can call them that--nowadays.

Our society has a serious problem.

A UNICEF study covered by the Los Angeles Times concluded that being a kid in the USA is comparatively worse to a handful of other wealthy developed countries. Sad to say, but I believe it.

"The United States was at the bottom in health and safety, mostly because of its high rates of child mortality and accidental deaths. It was next to last in family and peer relationships and risk-taking behavior. The U.S. has the highest proportion of children living in single-family homes, which the study defined as an indicator for increased risk of poverty and poor health, though it "may seem unfair and insensitive," it said. The U.S. was close to the bottom of the scale for children who eat and talk frequently with their families.
...

Children in the Netherlands, Spain and Greece said they were the happiest, and those in Spain, Portugal and the Netherlands spent the most time with their families and friends."

When I first read this I agreed wholeheartedly, and actually contemplated for a few seconds moving over to Holland later on in life. It's pretty awesome over there...Spain is cool too.

But, I think the lesson from all of this is more about embracing the key values of the study. Family, friendship, quality time...decency and morals. Maybe it's not easy, but it's pretty simple.

Happy Valentine's Day.

my statute of limitations.

2007-02-08T23:08:00.000-08:00

I think I've figured out my personal statute of limitations regarding relationships, romantic/nonromantic. Regarding relationships in general. Well, not random friendships, but more like the few deep friendships/relationships that I have in my life.

My statute of limitations is about seven years. It takes me seven years to get over a person in my life. To get over dealing with them. Dealing with drama. Dealing with residual thoughts, wishes, hopes, and such personal opinions--nostalgia still hits once and again, I mean, I'm still human(ish), but after seven years, something snaps, seriously snaps, and that's about it.

I'm done.

1, 2, 3...awkward!

2007-02-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

And I crown this weekend, the weekend of awkward. Not relative to anything else. Just awkward.

As I was driving back to my place to meet Jim who was visiting for the weekend, with less than pure intentions (him, not me), I got a text message from Jack. Yes, him. Probably with less than pure intentions as well, but not in the good way.

"In la. :)"

That's all it said. Now, let the record state, he actually lives in Philly. In Pennsylvania. The state where all evil people go to die, or something like that. Just kidding. There are a lot of good people there too! (Amy)...I find it interesting that almost every person of consequence to me is in PA. What's up with that state? But I digress.

Anyway, so, I'm kinda stunned. As you can imagine. I text back my reaction, "What?"...and leave it at that. So much for focusing on Jim and figuring stuff out. I swear that guy [Jack] has a knack for knowing these sorts of things.

Ever since Jim and I had been talking more seriously, as in frequency, as opposed to topic matter--Jack had started randomly popping up online. A couple days before he landed in LA, he'd sent me some gmail chat messages: "packing," etc. How was I to know he'd arrive here?

Then, the next day, me feeling bad about my abrupt response to his arrival text, text him back. And there ensues an all-day, semi-periodic text conversation, which is ended by me calling him (figuratively speaking) on his scaredy-cat or, rather, I dunno what, tactics. What's with the text messaging obsessed, anti-phone call issue? I of course send that in a text. Why should I call him when he's the one that's been scared of the phone ever since we finally broke things off last April.

And no, we didn't meet up while he was in LA. After that comment by me about his lack of phone-callingness, we stopped texting. Or rather, he stopped texting. Sometimes I find it all too frustrating. What's he after? I wonder if a long email explaining my annoyance/frustration would do? I doubt it.

Meanwhile, my feelings for Jim have kind of cooled, I'm not sure if it's because I'm analyzing things too much, or Jack just took the air out of my tires. Maybe things weren't that hot to begin with. Hm.

In any case, I have a great distraction. Work. Today was a 13 hour day...and tomorrow I'm back out at 7:45 a.m. But I can't deny that I enjoy my work. I find it fun.

Yay to workaholism. Nay to successful and happy personal/family lives.

(ab)normally

2007-02-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

Normally, I subscribe to the line about resting when you're dead. That whole philosophy. But lately, I've wondered if there's something to the whole resting and relaxing thing--something to not always being exhausted. I think there is.

In fact, there's nothing worse, and more exhausting than waking up exhausted. Ugh.

The ongoing saga...

2007-01-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

Continues. With no end in sight.

Why is it that parents feel like they have a right to get others involved in their squabbling. For all the cliche talk of not involving the kids or not being anyone's fault...that BS seems to fly out the window when communication breaks down.

What did I expect anyway.

Experiences like this make me waver to the extremes of possible responses. But I'll try and contain myself and maintain a distance from all the shit that seems to be hitting the fan.

Frankly, at this point, I'd rather be broke and pay the money myself. What else do I have to lose. And since when did money equate happiness? Doesn't getting past the drama and beyond the day-to-day quibbles matter at all?

If I were my sister, I'd try and graduate as quickly as possible. Thank the Lord you have only one year left. Get independent and get out quickly--word of advice from your older sister.

Sorry, but it's true.

That feeling of family being home, or rather, home being family? Whoever invented such a concept surely lived an idyllic life of sorts. The concept of family is as vague and idealistic as the concept of a home.

I have an apartment, and I have an estranged mother and father who gave birth to me.

At this point, the only home I truly have is my work. That is where I feel most myself and most energized and validated in life.

Is this sad? I think so.

Rolling...to a dead stop.

2007-01-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

I'd say, oh, it was about 11 p.m., a little before, perhaps.

Let me set the scene: dark, warm in my car, somewhat sad, melodic music playing...my thoughts drifting as I drove down La Cienega up toward Sunset...

I've said this before, but it's often those split second decisions, not the long drawn out agonizing ones, but the ones you make without much thought at all, that often cause the most joy or regret, happiness or pain... In this case it was the latter, in both cases.

And I'd like to say, also, just to draw this post out, that I'd likely had it coming. I'd laughed in the faces of the driving gods too many times, missing cops by seconds, watching others get pulled over and driving on...

And so it was, last night, that on my drive home I saw a light change, somewhere after Norms...I was looking at the restaurant and I was deep in thought (not about Norms).

For literary purposes it'd be nice to say that the song reached a high or low point, that something drastic and dramatic happened leading up to my running of that red light. But no such luck. It was relatively anti-climactic.

As the light changed to yellow, I stared at it for a millisecond and decided I'd better go because I'd taken too long to decide otherwise. Cars were behind me, ya know?

And so, pushed along like a kid numbly succumbing to peer pressure and wanting to do it all along, I cruised through what quickly became a red light. And I was a movie star for a few seconds. The cameras flashed capturing my face, mouth agape, eyes glazed over, looking at the hidden boxes that would be the end of my "high rolling lifestyle" (*cough*) for a few months.

A few Internet searches later the sum total of my befallen karma is a $351 ticket and traffic school. First time for both, for me. And so, just like that, there we go...I figure it will take about seven weeks to recoup my monetary losses. The loss to my soul...well, that's another issue entirely.

Big (sigh) breath.

2007-01-27T12:47:00.000-08:00

Odd. It's supposed to rain today, yet it's sunny. In a way, I kind of like it when it rains, and I'm snug inside my place. It feels safe...and so cliche, huh? I bet you were just waiting for me to add the hot cup of tea or hot chocolate. Nope. Though that would be nice...

So this week has been exhausting but rewarding in a way. Less so, materialistically, but in terms of pure work and how I've helped others out, I think pretty good. That's the thing. No task big or small should ever be a problem for someone interested in the greater good of the office. And so, I'm always willing to help out, quite happily. Sometimes, I feel a little drained of energy, but in the end, I find it worth it.

That's positive, huh?

This site is kind of funny in its chronicles of my life post high school, in that, well, it's so utterly specific at certain points, and so damnably vague at other times. I'd like to rectify the situation, but there are a couple loose agents reading over my shoulder, and I need to get to a point where I don't care anymore, completely, before I start posting more specifics. For now, I'll wait for a few key undeniable circumstances to take place before I come out with news. News, however, is a-boiling. Indecision marks its slow timing.

Doesn't it always?

Lookin' up.

2007-01-22T23:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, things are. Sorta. I'm still indecisive as ever, and still trying to figure things out. A world of possibilities presents itself to me however.

Although work is somewhat draining, it is incredibly fulfilling--and it makes me really appreciate life. I mean, really. As a very basic gift. Daily.

In terms of personal life, I just need to make sure now that I am doing the right things for the right reasons, with the proper principles and cares in mind. That I deal fairly and am as forthcoming as possible, or, let's say just keep things clean and straight.

J, not Jack, and M, also not Jack, as well as everyone, not Jack. Are, plainly, not Jack.

Yes, I am obsessing. But in a far better way than I used to...for I feel clear and think straight about issues now. I think my mind has finally detached, somewhat, from my heart. At least when it comes to you know who. A frekin' huge step. It's all about progress. E, for effort!

Still awake, t-4.5 hours

2007-01-22T03:20:00.000-08:00

...before I must drag myself out of bed, and off to work.

I say drag, because nobody likes being exhausted at work.

So what am I doing up still? So many things on my mind.

For example, this song, with the Hallelujah choruses cut out:

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

There was a time you'd let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me do you?
Remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Which has been stuck in my head all day. Sent by Jack. I find it depressingly sad. And it serves as an interesting backdrop to the not-so-pleasant cinematography of thoughts inside my head.

I'm conflicted about a lot of things right now. Much more than normal--if one can believe that. I'm also feeling a lot stupider than I have ever felt before in my life. I'm not exactly sure why, but regardless of the why, the feeling is persisting for the moment...and it is so odd to feel dumb. Like, dumb blond (excuse my reference, no actual offense meant)...dumb. I mean, I truly feel plain stupid.

I miss something, but I'm not quite sure what. I want something but I'm not sure why. I am slightly uncomfortable with stuff...but can't pinpoint the reason for or the cause of the discomfort.

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

I hate you Beta Blogger.

2007-01-22T01:00:00.001-08:00

I spent five years on this blog, perfecting and habituating myself to its template, finding comfort in its existence...and then the new Beta Blogger format stole that away from me.

Thanks for stealing away the one constant relationship I've had in my life.

Bastards.

2007-01-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

Oh baby, Obama.

Heh.

2007-01-07T10:49:00.000-08:00

In my post flush yesterday, in my awakening this morning...and kind of even in the bright fluorescent lights of the bathroom last night....I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered.

Do I rush into things too quickly? Am I often too quick to rush to judgment? Do I hold back and hold back, and then, excuse the reference, vomit or diarrhea to completion without further thought?

I think so.

I think I've said too much too soon. Scared off another friend without further ado.

Wow, I'm pretty pathetic.

2007-01-07T02:13:00.000-08:00

How many times have I come and said that I have found someone. A friend, or as Anne of Green Gables put it, a “kindred spirit.” I know I haven’t said it many times. Or, rather, every time I did, I was sorely sorely disappointed.

Every time, I placed a lot more value on things that weren’t valued, a lot more meaning in things that were truly meaningless. Just caring too damn much about things that were frankly inconsequential, or rather, not to me, but to them. And that's what matters. The people who cared, not—not to the same degree. And that. is. what matters.

I know I often set myself up for it. That I came with a self-fulfilling prophecy, or I had impossible expectations, put too much pressure on things or analyzed potential into oblivion.

It's just that, once again, or, for yet another rare occasion, I feel I've finally found another friend. Whatever that can and will mean. Already I fear I've placed too much value on this, as of yet, non-validated, truly-existing friendship. (This blog entry, for instance.) I must remember to steel myself. A conversation does not a friendship make.

Ha.

But oh, what a conversation. I feel a lot better. Thanks.

And so it begins.

2007-01-03T00:21:00.000-08:00

Another year, another start. Another.

I have mixed feelings. 2006 was not a very awesome year for me. But it wasn't half bad. I think 2005 was worse. 2006, however, is the start of my real life--the first year in which I am no longer a student.

I'm not one for resolutions, but if I were to make one, I think the key thing I will be focusing on is being entirely and completely happy with myself. That means doing the things I want to do, as I wanted to do them, fulfilling my plans, coming through on things for myself and for in general. That means, more specifically, getting shit done. Doing it well. And, finally, not giving a damn what other people think. I guess that wasn't specific at all. But it works for me.

Yes. That's the plan. Now I've just got to figure out a balance to the whole work, life thing.

On another note: Is it just me, or does he always smell like alcohol these days?

2006-12-18T02:09:00.000-08:00

Diction.

I've been meaning to write this post for a while.

I mean, every time it happened, I'd wince and make a note to myself.

I meant to mention it. I meant to say something about it. Not just write about it.

But I suppose I mean a whole lot more than I do. What else is (k)new.

My father uses this phrase, actually this word--"Mom"--"When will Mom be home?"--"Where is Mom's tape measure?"--"Stop by and see Mom."

Whatever it may be.

My mother uses this phrase: "Your Dad." She'll say, "Go to your dad's place"--"What is your Dad doing?"--"Ask your Dad."

Her usage of that phrase was near immediate, not a process, not a specific reference to the singular father of her children (as if there are others), nono, merely a separation from herself, a separation from her self.

My father's usage is a recognition of history. A recognition of the inability to separate and alienate what is so interconnected with one's self and one's life. A salute to the past, so to speak, and perhaps an unconscious inability to let go.

How I wish he'd stop saying it.

2006-12-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hate my last name and the way I look. I know, I know, it adds a whole different perspective to my life. But I clearly do not belong.

Last night I went to a Shabbat dinner with a friend.

A bit of the conversation: "Are you Buddhist?...Muslim?...Christian...?"

The guy still didn't get that I was Jewish...and I had no urge to delve into the whole conversion conversation and ethnicity conversation. I just answered him, "No...no...no..."...and he walked away.

My own friend's family asked me if I knew what "choresht" was...as if I didn't grow up around words like that my entire life.

And the punch line of this all is that I probably know more shit about Judaism than any of them there.

Scene two:

I wrote this article about Hanukkah and I got plenty of positive comment on it. Many people agreed. Every clergy person I spoke to on every side of the issue. All the Jews I knew, all the immigrant Jews I knew, just everyone.

Of course, the article goes out under my byline, which is hardly "Jewish" looking.

And of course, I get shit replies from people who just want to trash me because they think I'm some Muslim person or whoever writing crap about their holiday.

Well f*ck them.

These people--they say, "our holiday"..."we Jews"...as if I don't belong and will never belong. Granted they know not what they do.

But how much alienation can one take.

I need to find a club that's greater than the club of one.

2006-12-16T05:08:00.000-08:00

If there was a way to incorporate all the anguish and agony I sometimes feel into one blog post. If there was a way to unburden myself of all these emotions that collect and clog up my body--slowly working their way up my throat and through my tear ducts.

If there was a damn way to stop all this shit, to do anything of this. For certain I'd try and find it out. I'd try and do it. I'd write forever.

I've searched and searched, and worked and worked. I've tried and tried. But nothing does any of it justice.

And I don't think it's possible.

I know I'm luckier than most. I know this. I am.

I hate these b*tch and moan entries where people go on about their f*cked up lives. When [refer to starving children across globe, death, war, famine and disease] around the world.

I'm just frustrated with so many...and a lot...and so much.

G-d, let the ache go away. Make it go away.

I lost the religion in my life. But hopefully it finds me.

2006-12-11T23:55:00.000-08:00

I think I regret ever starting this again.

2006-12-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

I'm spent

Right now I feel spent in almost everyway possible. How interesting that my days of "goodwill" or whatever that happy feeling is...prove so fleeting, and otherwise elusive. Personally I feel discouraged, disappointed, alienated and just plain tired. Professionally I feel discouraged, disappointed, aliented and just plain tired. Emotionally and mentally...well, you get the idea.

Had an unhappy incident (or two) at work today. I guess this debunks my whole theory that when one area of life goes well something else sucks, and vice versa. Everything sucks right now. As a matter of speaking--yes, I know I'm not a naked orphan in Africa, and I have food to eat. Whoop.

Excuse me being flippant. But I feel like a failure.

And I know not what to do.

2006-12-06T19:09:00.000-08:00

Blue Caravan by Vienna Teng

Blue blue caravan
Winding down to the valley of lights
My true love is a man
Who would hold me for ten thousand nights
In the wild wild wailing of wind
He's a house 'neath a soft yellow moon.
So blue blue caravan
Won't you carry me down to him soon

Blue blue caravan
Won't you drive away all of these tears
For my true love is a man
That I haven't seen in years
He said, "Go where you have to
For I belong to you until my dying day."
So like a fool, blue caravan
I believed him and I walked away.

Oh my blue blue caravan
The highway is my great wall
For my true love is a man
Who never existed at all
Oh he was a beautiful fiction
I invented to keep out the cold
But now, my blue blue caravan
I can feel my heart growing cold
Oh my blue blue caravan
I can feel my heart growing cold

2006-12-05T01:03:00.000-08:00

Bing bang, badaboom.

1) I visited Berkeley this past weekend. Probably had one of the best weekends of my life.

2) I spoke with Jack briefly last week online. I've really grown a lot. I'd like to be his friend.

3) I spoke with EBF today. We're friends now. To be honest, I felt I handled our reconciliation a lot more maturely and better than she did. (I realize the danger of posting that here.) But, in any case, regardless of that. I could tell she was very tentative and apprehensive about resuming contact. I feel like it's USA/Iran relations, or USA/USSR relations. Hopefully things get better on that front. We're trying to start anew, although I think it is stupid to ignore history. Learn from it. Or you're doomed to repeat it. And all that good stuff.

But man, was it wonderful speaking to her. I'd missed hearing her voice. Friendships are like any relationships, and the really deep ones grow on you. There are only two people, perhaps, that I've let into my life entirely, in every which way. Who I have been completely *me* with. Correction, one person, to be honest...and she was it--there was no "opposite sex censorship crap" that might come with a new relationship, which is romantic in nature, or whatever. She was my best friend, no holds barred. Everything went. I'd never done that before. It was amazing.

And, talking again was great. When our friendship was at its strongest, she knew me like that. She just got me. Entirely. I would have liked to say it was the same on my side for her, but I know I wasn't half as observant. Not for lack of trying though. She was always just better at it than I. Anyway, it was so nice to talk to her and feel like someone really was listening, really paying attention, really caring. How strange to feel that way, but how true. I've suffered over the last three or four years from an extreme lack of confidantes. I just have trouble trusting people entirely. With she it was like old times in a way. Hard to not revert, though I know it's important for the success of our new friendship, not to. (Apparently. Or so she claims. )

For now, at least, it was worth it. I really missed her.

I know that we can never be best friends. Or rather, I do not know that, but I assume that is how she feels, or what she thinks, because she says that she doesn't want our friendship to run along the same tracks it once did. I partially agree, of course. None of that negative stuff. But we were really close.

She says she's changed a lot. I know I have too. I think we've both matured and grown in different ways--learned a lot about ourselves, our goals, priorities, love, life, loss...everything. However, I still think that people are ultimately, at their core, the same person they have always been. People's spirits and hearts do not change. She says I was too philosophical, too introspective in all of this.

"Why are you making this so complicated."

I guess that's me. But whatever all of that means. For now I'll leave that to tomorrow. I can't wait to talk to her. Again.

2006-11-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

And so it goes...

Thus ends the most horrific Thanksgiving Weekend of my life. Thank the Lord. Never have I looked more forward to the start of the week.

Five shots and some wine in my system now does not make this post very conducive to detail. More later. Or hopefully not.

2006-11-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

Stupidity vs. Courage, Genius vs. Insanity, Dedication vs. Workaholism, Ambition vs. Obsession--and all that good stuff

How do you like my title there?

I guess the point is, I wonder if I'm selling myself short sometimes. I work because I love work, but I also wish to spend time with my family. Do I pass up a four-day weekend in order to help out at work--not only a wise move in terms of showing my dedication to a new job, but something that I think will be fun...?

But then, miss out on the fun of being with my family. The relaxation of nothingness on the day after Thanksgiving. Or rather, frenzied shopping? Hm, maybe I'm saving myself here.

I guess it's the whole grass is greener complex right. Silver lining, silver lining.

(This post brought to you by, "how many cliches can I fit into this singular posting?")

2006-11-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

Specificity

It's been a strange day.

Or rather, the entirety felt like a "non-day"--everything revolved around what happened yesterday, or what will happen tomorrow. Sunday already, huh?

Last night I put myself out there. I threw a house warming party, and I had a great time. There were many people who came from all different parts of my life. That's always nice. Of course, no normal evening passes without some sort of turmoil. My cousin is still roiling from his own martial issues. It's hard to see him so "bummed," as a friend of mine put it. (I think I have a special knack for being euphemistic in these posts.) My goal was to drink an amount that would allow me to relax and stop worrying about stuff, without making a fool of myself. Later I would be glad for this decision. Even so, the alcohol build up did render me rather incapacitated toward the end of the night, and I have a very annoying stinging rug burn on my right elbow because of the night's shenanigans.

Anyway, my dad crashed my party in the middle of it. I was very glad to seen him, and slightly sad to see him. I can't help but think about what everything illustrates and how different life is now for all of us. I tried to make him feel as welcome as possible and it was nice partying with him...he didn't stay too long, but he did have a chance to chat with many people. My fellow co-workers tried hard to get the dirt on me, and I fear they may have succeeded. But, well, that's life. I suppose.

The one part of the night that has left me with a bit of a knot in my stomach came mid-party as well. I knew it would come up. The people I was inviting, a lot of them, went to high school with me. And, in that other life of mine, I had a best friend--or, as would probably be remembered, she and I were nearly the same person. We took attached at the hip to a whole new level.

And frankly, it was a strange thing for me. Especially since I'd never before had best friends. I guess one of those "once in a lifetime" sort of undertakings (pun intended).

Well, and so...when I invited these people over, they of course asked me about EBF. I've narrowed down the story to mere specifics, beginning with a one-liner background of the break up in talks, and then her final statement and the subsequent inaction/action and cold war-nothingness. Yes, I'm making such metaphorical comparisons.

"It's her loss," said a couple of my old high school friends. In fact, one of them was closer to her than she was to me. And I had to wonder in my own cynical self-doubting way, if she was just saying that because she was trying to be nice, or if she really meant it. In any case, I didn't let the conversation continue for too long. Who wants to dwell on such things.

"I think she broke up with her boyfriend," my friend continued.

I froze, somewhat inconspicuously--or, so I tried.

Now I'm not that vengeful at all. In fact, this has nothing to do with such a thing. Honest. It's more a matter of the fact that I did not know this--for one, and I do pride myself on being able to keep up on people despite not being in contact with them. (Yes, I have a problem.) But, really, there was a small part of me that also felt like maybe karma and justice and all those things were making a reappearance in my life.

Maybe we'd be friends again.

Long story very short, because I've got to run out soon...she did not break up with him. They are still together. Shrug. I won't reveal my sources on that.

So I guess we're back to the nothingness again. I don't think we'll ever be friends. Ever again. It's funny to think about how things change. In a matter of four years. We used to talk about all those stupid "girl things"--one day being at each others' weddings, etc...I've been through so many emotions. Again. I hate feeling that hurt--re-experiencing it. Reconsidering it. Just pipe dreams.

Haha. ha.

2006-11-16T01:24:00.000-08:00

The Makings of a Workaholic?

I've never before been so content with work and with the generalities of my life. Sure, I have problems and things I need to resolve. Sure, it'd be nice to have someone special in my life that I could share all these things with. But I love what I do. I love my work. I enjoy the people I work with daily. I strive for constant improvement. I look forward each day to going to work, and I don't mind waking up early (so much)...Fridays are great, but so are Mondays--each for different reasons. I am so very fortunate.

On the other hand, I know I should find some balance to my life. The great temptation is to throw myself entirely into my work. It's a very great temptation, and if I didn't have Winston to deal with, I'm sure I would quite easily succumb. On the side I try and nurture relationships with people, or at least maintain these relationships. Sometimes it's very easy to grow single-minded (at least for me), and to concentrate far too obsessively on one goal (work), or another (a relationship), or something else (who knows). I've tried hard to let people in my life know how important they are to me. I didn't used to--nor did I maintain as good contact as I try to do now. I still know I need to improve.

Augh. These entires always grow so stilted. Especially when I don't post more regularly. (My bad.) Today I got the fourth and final season of "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" in the mail. It was a very exciting day. Seriously. The thing is, I believe the show is highly under-rated. If I were to list three outside media resources that have deeply influenced my life they would have to be--

1) Shogun
2) Sun Tzu
3) Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

#3 I state not only because of Dean Cain, but more so because of the moral and ethical stands it takes. The complexity of these things and the emotional and more mental angle it takes in dealing with the Superman tale makes Deborah Joy Levine's rendition of Superman my favorite--by far. Anyway, I blather on here about this in order to ignore a couple things that are bothering me right now. And here I shall list them:

1) My friend who just got engaged sent me a message in which he seemingly wanted to see how I was doing and catch up. When I tried to give him a call, his phone number was no in service. When I messaged him, he did not respond--even though it was evident that he was updating his profile. This not only baffles me, but really bothers me.

2) Jack has come online a couple times in the last week--signing off randomly without a word to me. These are the only two times in the last six months of no contact whatsoever on his end. What does it mean? If I only knew. Why do I wonder? If only I could stop. I'm getting better. Hopefully better sooner rather than later. Sometimes I wonder--if it's so hard to stop wondering, maybe I was never supposed to, in the first place. (Stop, that is.)

3) I'm amazed and annoyed by two very contradictory things. a) The huge number of friends I have here at home, and b) The huge lack of friends I have here at home.

Let me explain the third point. It seems that I know lots of people here. Invariably, if I go out, I will see someone I know. But, usually it's someone I have no real interest--other than a momentary superficial interest and mild curiosity--in finding out about and talking to. The few friends I enjoy hanging out with I often feel I must stagger myself with, for fear of "out-friending" my welcome, of annoying them, or whatever other reason frightens me. In general I can usually tell when a person is someone I can be good friends with, or not. And that's about that. The problem is that I worry far too much about other peoples' opinions, and I care too much about what these friends (rightly so) and others (wrongly so), think.

The people in my program are all really nice, at least on the surface. But sometimes this paranoid thought comes to mind that they're not truly my friends. Or, maybe some are, but I feel like a few don't really like me. It's hard to know. But even now, at the very beginning, I'm sometimes a bit of an outcast. I don't like being dependent on others and so I rarely carpool (despite a belief in the environmental benefit of doing so)--we also may need our cars at a moment's notice, so it's not very practical in terms of providing instant mobility. Others are willing to take the risk, but I'm not. I fear I alienate myself, or distance myself too much. There again, I fear too much.

When it comes to mutual friends, I always feel like I'm opposing on the third party. And most often, in a way, I think I am. They most likely prefer the singular company of the second party...but, there I am. And so, I get the scraps--if not actually, intentionally and mentally.

There's a reason why people say loneliness "gnaws"--it begins to hurt. You can feel it. It aches. I no longer experience that gnawing and instability I once felt. I have figured out--on a very general basis--what "home" is. It is the place where my loved ones are. That is the emptiness you feel when you are away. In this case, I am close enough to "home"--despite the physical lack of one. I no longer feel the loneliness that gnaws; I am merely a loner. As I always felt myself to be before EBF. So many superficial relationships, so many relationships, so many randoms, so many specifics--but what does it all matter anyway. There is only one relationship right now that I truly care about. That I am truly dedicated to. My work. Those two words make me happy...and very sad.

2006-11-13T23:12:00.000-08:00

Carefully contained glee, or another such random heading

There's a whole set of equations people use to define things in life and how these things are going. There's also that general equation people use...you know, something mustn't be perfect. Love life going great? Well, the professional life must be lacking. Your boss hate you? Well, congrats on the wedding!

I found out this week that a friend of mine is engaged. Oh, I found out through facebook. Did I mention that? I think that was the most indignant-making (me) part of it all. But, well, otherwise, I am genuinely happy for him--which is, I think, a good thing. Or, perhaps, merely more testament to my monkish ways of late.

And yes, I say monk because I'm not even getting any from G-d! Ah, dontcha love blasphemy? Please excuse me. I think I've just become somewhat numbed to religious/political correctness (and its opposite). Today I was standing in line at the Courthouse and heard two guys talking next to me...they may very well have been spouting lines from the "Protocol of the Elders of Zion"...I was so angry, but so not, at the same time. Maybe more angry in spirit than in actuality. I wanted to say something, and hated myself for not. But, in the end, I think my reasoning won out. These guys had rap sheets...and were just finishing up parole sentences, I didn't want to prolong anything for them.

***

As I've been writing this singular post, my dog Winston (the only true proper noun I have no problems naming here, and yes, it's after Churchill)...has been whining his head off. I've been taking care of him recently, and feel like I've become a parent all too soon. It's draining, it's annoying, it's frustrating...but I do love him, and I feel horrible when he suffers or is in pain. And so, I try my best to control my temper and take care of him. Dammit. All. I've got to take him outside. Again.

2006-10-25T01:52:00.000-07:00

It seems like every time I feel like posting here it's late at night when I've got music playing on this laptop of mine (reunited, at last).

I can't figure out if I'm posting less these days because there's less happening (unlikely), or because I'm just not online as much late at night with music playing (more likely)--like when I was a student.

Currently living in a creepy house. Creepy in many ways. Especially with the psycho phone call I got the other night, when I already had a pretty bad feeling about the place. My dad mentioned having me drag someone over to sleep here and to keep me company. Haha. Laughable. Oh, how's that guy friend? That guy...? What's his name...Jack?...doing? By the way, here's a book "Why Marry Jewish?

My dad has good intentions, and he is one of the people I admire most in this world. Sometimes I worry about him--that's another personal reason I came back a bit earlier from my trip. He's a remarkable man. The rest is classified. For now, at least.

Anyway, that phone call the other night--I don't want to explain it too vividly because it is late here, and I am (supposedly) going to bed soon, since I'll be waking up relatively early tomorrow morning.

So I answer this phone, and here's the dialogue:

*silence*

me: Hello?...Hello?...Hello?...

*silence*

her (in a creepily pale affected imitation): "Heellloo...Heelloooo...Heeelllooo. Thank you."

*silence*

*I hang up, freaked out*

I call my dad. "Dad, if this phone disconnects suddenly and you can't reach me when you call back--call the police." My dad agrees. Luckily, I get out of there alive.

There's reason enough for these paranoiac illusions of mine. But I'll leave the explanations to a daytime hour since I'm already starting to creep myself out.

Being back in LA is marvelous. I remember why I love this city so much. I've felt very gratified many times this past week. There is so much to do, so much I have enjoyed doing already. Though I am nervous, apprehensive and somewhat dreading the start of work--I'm also very very excited, and I am glad to be so. I think the dread mostly stems from a self-doubt and a fear of disappointing not only (or not really) others, but especially myself. I know I'll get over it. Time is short. As is life.

(Augh, creeped out again by that last sentence of mine. Dammit!)

*deep breath*

My new favorite phrase of the moment--"Life's too short." Granted, I heard this used as a reason for this woman separating from her husband in Israel...and the statement was not exactly vocalized in hope or happiness--more like despaire--but that's hardly the point. It reverberated with me. Life is too short. And I choose to take that statement in a more positive light. I need to soak up each moment.

I remember when a friend of mine was graduating from high school the last months as a senior he spent getting maybe a couple hours of sleep each night. The rest of the time we chatted on the phone, he listened to music, played basketball, spent time with his family, and did a lot more, I'm sure. The point is, what he told me was that he wanted to stay up as long and as much as possible. To prolong and really experience every moment of this period in his life. That he wanted it to last forever. Oh, but how I identify with him right now, and often enough I think back to him telling me that. How things change.

But here I am, still somewhat the same, though I am somewhat different. Or, as my friend reassuring commented today--"Your still the same ol' LYLT, good, that's comforting...At least I know I'll like you."

2006-10-17T00:26:00.000-07:00

Augh. Sometimes I just miss him so much.

I've slowly and surely got over Jack. It's been a tedious process, and sometimes I wonder why it would be so hard and so...ugh, if it hadn't been the real thing.

Slowly but surely I've weaned myself off going somewhat psycho when I smell his cologne on someone--getting a flop in the stomach, or a lump in the throat. Slowly I've stopped thinking of him constantly or comparing everyone and every thing to him. I've slowly been able to prevent myself from contacting him...I've a bit more perspective and understanding of things. But I still get a minor heart attack when I see his name in my email box (has happened only a few times over the last six months). I've just got to work on that.

Oh yes, and I can also listen to music now without lapsing into an acute depression or nostalgia. Still sometimes happens though.

I suppose time heals all things. I'm just wondering how much damn time this'll take. Plus, do you start over every time you are in contact with the person again?

Here I am, back home in LA--sans best friend, sans Jack, sans the majority of people and things that made home home, and memories memorable here.

What is left for me here? What's left for me anywhere? I guess I'll find out--if not now, soon enough.

2006-10-06T05:25:00.000-07:00

I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!

You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

2006-09-10T11:32:00.000-07:00

Feeling a tab bit better today. Though a little anxious. I got a drunk email from Jack, and I'm just very confused about the whole thing. And so it goes...

2006-09-09T12:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of tears. There is so much changing in my life today. And though I am in one of the most pleasant spots--perhaps--on Earth...I feel so very incomplete, like something is lacking. It is almost like the near-attainment of that perfection, of this wonderful beach, beautiful sunset, calming breeze and warm weather, juxtaposed against the isolated lonely yearning I feel...only emphasizes the feeling and makes me feel worse.

I'm currently in Dahab, Egypt--most recently made famous by three bombings that killed more than a dozen and injured scores of tourists, about five months ago. It's eerie walking around here, but the Red Sea is quite beautiful.

Today my dad is finalizing the packing up of my childhood home. That's it. In a selfish way I am glad that I do not have to see it--nostalgia will always take me back to the perfected house that I once lived and grew up in, to the bike rides around the block, the friends I had nearby, walking home after school, dashing across the street...But, on the other hand, I do wish I was there to help my father pack up, to give him support. He has been working nonstop this past week or so, and he calls me at four or five in the morning for him there, sounding more and more depressed and sick each day. It hurts and gnaws at me, hearing him like that.

I wish he were here to travel with me. I feel so worthless and alone.

2006-08-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

It's been forever since I've updated this site, and I've really meant to. The thing is, I'm currently traveling through Africa and the Middle East...until the end of October. Though I've tried to keep the majority of my life to one (this) blog up till now...because my family wanted to keep up with me, and in order to keep some semblance of anonymity, I had to create another separate "travel blog." If you want the address, just email me...and I'll send it to you.

However, regardless, I'll try and post the unmentionables here (when I'm not on some dodgy keyboard)--things I wouldn't have my parents read about...

Anyway, in Morocco the ever elusive six-pack that guys search for throughout the Western world...is pervasive...it's weird if a guy does not have one.

On another note, I met this guy in Marrakesh...

Ever since Jack and all...I'd been trying to contact him in friendship, but not getting much of an answer. After becoming quite monk-like...and very uninterested in most anyone and everyone...finally I caught a huge buzz-like spark when I met this guy in Marrakesh. That never happens to me. And I think he felt it too, because when I sat down across the room with my friends, we'd keep catching each others eyes, everytime I turned around he'd be looking over at me...

We've been in contact now almost daily--text messaging and email (I need to find time to email back), and soon Skype...

As fate would have it, soon after Jack emailed me back, after four months of no contact. On the same day another guy (who I had been interested in emailed me)...and now again I am in a bit of turmoil. But good turmoil. I suppose.

More later, time at the cyber cafe is dwindling.

2006-07-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

The challenge--to use one word in response to the question/statement. Taken from a writing prompt. Feel free to do your own:

· Yourself: Complicated.
· Your partner: Music.
· Your hair: Dark.
· Your Mother: Selfish.
· Your Father: Naive.
· Your Favourite Item: GoGo.
· Your dream last night: Dreamless.
· Your Favourite Drink: Water.
· Your Dream Home: Home.
· The Room You Are In: Noisy.
· Your fear: Death.
· Where you Want to be in Ten Years? Success.
· Who you hung out with last night: Skype.
· What You're Not: Cliquey.
· Your Best Friends: Abandon.
· One of Your Wish List Items: Happiness.
· Your Gender: Female.
· The Last Thing You Did: Type.
· What You Are Wearing: Necessities.
· Your favourite weather: California.
· Your Favourite Book?: Shogun.
· Last thing you ate?: Salmon.
· Your Life: Unpredictable.
· Your mood: Pensive.
· The last person you talked to on the phone: Comforting.
· Who are you thinking about right now?: Unfortunately.

2006-07-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

There are so many things of significance I need to write about here. Like getting discriminated against, crying in public and being bought off. But instead, I need to write about this!

I just found out that the first guy I ever told "I love you" too, and subsequently proposed to...when I was four/five...(and who promptly turned around uninterested in me, falling for my other friend...)

...is gay.

I don't want to say this, but, that explains a lot. It's funny how that formulated a lot of my insecurity about guys from a very young age. LYLT, the shy one...ha. If I had only really known.

In any case, my friend found him online...boy has it been years.

2006-07-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

On a nonpolitical note, now that I've got that out of my system...I saw "Superman Returns" last night...and I loved it.

Honestly, as a huge Superman fan, I was a bit apprehensive about the film. But I will be buying this when I get back to the States. I want to see it again.

Things have been picking up here...I'm trying to workout and keep up a healthy lifestyle, but it's really hard with all these summer time temptations and novel foods, chocolate and beers to try...I suppose I'll just have to try my best and really buckle down when I get back to the States. Discipline! Oh...but those fries...Belgian fries, lemme tell ya...and a beer, outside, on the terrace, after work...cmon...

This weekend there is a ton of things to do here, and I will be hard-pressed to plan out a schedule that involves sleeping, exercising and any form of personal quiet time (something that I really crave at the most inopportune times, it seems). This past week my head head boss here took me and his neice, who is visiting town, out to see "Lucky Number Slevin" (which was good) and dinner afterward (also good!). Then, this weekend my editors and me will be getting together to cook up a dish that will be featured in our paper--we shall cook, take pictures and eat. I'm quite excited. But, I'm also invited to a great party afterward that I want to go to. The night before I'm invited to go clubbing for the first time here, after cocktails at someone's house, followed by stopping by a bar...I'm not much of a party/clubber sort of person, but we shall see how this goes. I'm up for new experiences, and it sounds fun! Then monday evening I'm going to dinner with my boss, and Tuesday night some friends are making sushi at their place...Wednesday is my Spanish exchange class and Thursday dinner/drinks, and then it will soon be Friday again.

Oh how the weeks seem to fly by here...

I have less than a month now before I'll be traveling through Morocco, Egypt, Israel and Jordan. I cannot wait, but am somewhat wary of possible dangers I may face. I've been doing plenty of research though, and in any case, I absolutely cannot wait to get to Israel, no matter what the dangers may be. Life must go on, and I want to enjoy the most holy time of the Jewish year there...

Time has really gone by quickly, but in a way, I cannot wait for it to pass. On the other hand, though, every day that passes is one that I will never gain back. I really should try to cherish these days.

I'm too exhausted to type up any more of my thoughts. But there you have it, in bits and pieces, a rough update of my life thus far...Work is...well...work, and long, sometimes frustrating, but generally enjoyable.

Oh, and Jack. Well, he is neither here nor there. He is nowhere. Not a sign, not a signal, not a peep from him since April 20. No response to my emails, calls or anything. Maybe he's not reading them, maybe he doesn't care. But, wouldn't he tell me to stop if he had moved on? Maybe I've just gone crazy now. I've sent about four emails over this period of time...all very polite, and I also tell him that I will not email if he prefers that. But no response. The calls, similarly have been ignored. I do wish I would hear back from him...

My daytime thoughts are plagued by thoughts of him, my dreams by my EBF.

No wonder I can't sleep. What I need is a week of quiet, restful, dreamless sleep...or cocaine, so I don't feel the lack of it...just kidding.

2006-07-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of the USA right now and of Bush. Yes, I'm saying it.

So proud.

The U.S. is Israel's staunchest ally, and thankfully so, or the Jewish state would be no more today. Again, Bush and the U.S. have stood by and let Israel defend itself, today the U.S. vetoed a UN resolution that would in effect place a lot more blame on Israel than is necessary, typical...of course.

Tonight I went to dinner/drinks with some "friends," about six of us: two Kenyans, one Greek, one Portuguese, one Finnish, and me. Eventually talk turned to politics (the Finn is dating a Lebanese guy who is visiting family right now in Beirut)...

I could feel everybody turn against me...and I was the sole voice speaking on the side of Israel, mind you in moderation as I do with all things that are of such a delicate nature...when they found out I supported Israel I felt the first tide turn against me, and when they found out I was Jewish I felt the second...Definitely felt a snub, which sucked. Being an American doesn't help either, believe it or not.

So I tried to focus on something positive, like what we would all agree on. Luckily, we're all still moderate enough as a group to find the common ground...two states living peacefully side by side, terrorism not in the equation.

But really, otherwise, it was nearly impossible to get a word in edgewise, and I felt somewhat suffocated from expressing another viewpoint.

Came home though and read about the U.S. supporting Israel, and felt good again. Thank G-d. I printed out a prayer for Israel today at work. I will be praying for things to get better, for the soldiers to be returned and the fighting to stop. G-d bless Israel, and G-d bless America.

2006-07-08T11:38:00.001-07:00

You know that gnawing feeling of loneliness. I mean truly gnawing. Where you feel your insides twist up and feel like you're on the verge of tears, and that it wouldn't matter anyway because no one is there to comfort you, or at least no one that would matter?

I don't want to quote S&TC, but here I will paraphrase, "the loneliness is tangible." It gets to a point where you wonder if people can feel it coming off of you...like some fume or something. If they can't, they should be able to.

I get this feeling whenever I'm somewhere alone for a prolonged amount of time. Coming back to Paris brought this huge rush to me, like a Matrix-like whiz of virtual reality, the entire metro map came back to my head and everything was so familiar...yet different. That slight difference that makes you realize that time has passed. Although, I did find myself slipping a couple times and thinking I was still living in Paris. Small things, like, when it got cold and I was near my old apartment, I thought about going back to grab a jacket...then I realized I no longer lived there. It was a little sad. And that was Day 1.

Day 2 has been far more emotional...all the memories of my time here are coming back...also how hard it was for me to adjust and all the things I had to deal with. I am not only remembering the homesickness I felt, but feeling it again...again that virtual reality...and I wish I could just go back to Brussels, because I feel so out of place and alone. All those friendships and relationships I formed are no longer intact, or the people are no longer here...

I was going to go call my dad and say hi, because I longed to hear from someone familiar...but then I realized I could easily start bawling on the phone if I did that. So I scratched that plan, and came to this Internet cafe. I finally got put on a computer where the chat works...but of course, no one would be on.

I hate feeling like this. I really do. I would like to be content, but I'm not quite sure what will make it so. I am burned out from work, longing for a vacation, but filled with foreboding about my trip plans.

Part of this has to do with Jack stuff still on my mind, which is making me quite melancholy. Another part is due to the stuff at home...for me it's not really out of sight out of mind...so much as, out of sight, lots of shit is probably happening, good luck when you get back, and perhaps you should be doing something...though I don't know what. I am filled again with that sense of foreboding.

And yet, another part, is because I still have so much paperwork to take care of that has been left over since the last year, to make sure taxes were done, medical insurance papers taken care of and the calls made. There are so many things in my life I need to get in order and I never have enough time to get anything done. Work is sucking up more and more of my time, and though I love it when I am being productive and don't mind extra hours, when I am not...it's a real waste of not only time, but my energy. That's all I'll say about work.

I never realized how important family was to me...until I lost it.

I remember when my mom was talking to Jack about me, when they first met, and one of her reservations was that, apparently I am very loyal and form very close ties with people, if I do form those ties, and then cannot overcome them easily later. To be honest, I thought she was crazy, I mean, where did she get any of that information from...where was her proof? I guess my mother knew me better than I thougth, because those words now haunt me as I try and get over the only two close friendships I once let myself develop. And it's oh so hard. I wonder when all that residual emotion will finally be gone. "And this too shall pass"--I try and think of those words for everything, good and bad in life. It gives a bit of perspective.

I've also realized, I mean really really really realized the fragility of life. That in 50 years time, most people I know and respect and love...will not necessarily be around. That I should not take anything for granted. Walking around the new Paris Quai Branly Museum...they had all of these special things for death rituals. I wonder why humans always have so much ritual surrounding death. I think it's because it makes it easier to deal with. Because the reality of perhaps nothing...is far too much to think about...the what if reality.

Ever since I lost faith in certain things I have become a lot more morose. I won't deny that coming to Europe is what definitely made me more secular. Maybe that whole French laicite finally got to me. Anyway, it has made me a lot more unsettled with life, with my life choices and with my self. I have a harder time sleeping, I think, partially because of this. Sometimes I wish it weren't so.

This is sad to say now, but the happiest, most content, confident and sleep-fulfilled (as opposed to deprived) that I have ever been was when I was dating Jack. I don't know what that means, but it is true. And that makes me sadder.

Well, my time is almost up, and I must go...I would listen to music to calm my nerves, but my headphones broke and it only works in one ear. That has not only been driving me crazy, but is a constant reminder that it the headphones are broken...and the iPod itself keeps malfunctioning. Without music, all I get is this long, reverberating silence.

2006-07-03T04:18:00.000-07:00

*takes a deep breath*

A conversation with my Swedish friend (edited for length and relevancy):

LYLT: tuesday night
LYLT: you must hang out with me
LYLT: fourth of july
LYLT: you must!
B: sure thing, if u dont mind Oskar tagging along We will have pizza at 7 near my place
LYLT: mehhh
LYLT: of course
LYLT: oskar and anyone else can come!
LYLT: but mehh to the pizza
LYLT: it's 4th of july, u must have a burger and fries--fat boys...cmon
B: ok [goes on to talk about asking oskar, etc]
LYLT: plus, there's a reason to celebrate
LYLT: and anyone else is invited too, of course
LYLT: it's my favorite holiday back home...a day of bbq and doing nothing usually, with fireworks at night
LYLT: oh yes, and we go to the beach
LYLT: ahhh
B: ok
B: just so u know: anything celebrating the Us is *not* very popular on this side of the pond at the moment
LYLT: haha
LYLT: it's not celebrating the foreign policy
LYLT: it's celebrating the country's birth
LYLT: and no offense, a lot of europeans would be hypocrites if they weren't happy about that
LYLT: after all, it's not "bush day"
LYLT: it's "4th of july"--very different
B: yeahm but in the siple way that ppl often se the world USA=Bush=Bad
LYLT: oh well, sucks for them. i love this holiday.
B: and u should!
LYLT: seriously, i've had enough of ppls' shit about the US
LYLT: 7 yrs of foreign policy decisions does not make the entire US history
B: thats what u get when u are a hegemony
LYLT: and in any case, ppl give me shit for no reason. i don't say a thing, and who knows what my personal beliefs are. i think only hypocrites are mean to random ppl just because they're americans, or whatever.
LYLT: i guess.
LYLT: why should i want to prove them wrong tho. it's ridiculous. no other country (except maybe Israel) apologizes as much for itself.
LYLT: anyway, i won't launch onto my thing, but sometimes i think perhaps we *should* just forget the rest of the world and retire into isolationism...ppl criticized us for that before, and then they criticize us now. it's a lose-lose situation.
B: most of the woprld wouldnt mind im sure
B: *laughs
LYLT: yeah
B: take a deep breath now my friend and dont get urself so worked up
LYLT: well, whatever, i don't make foreign policy. i am a 21-year-old citizen, a person who happened to be born there.
LYLT: yeah, seriously.
LYLT: i'll calm down now.
B: *sends a hug*
LYLT: thanks...
LYLT: hope u don't think badly of me for these rants
LYLT: i just...sometimes it gets to me.
LYLT: i'd like to be able to celebrate a national holiday without apologizing.
B: I understand, but try do distant urself a bit
LYLT: you're right

Times I wish I actually knew another American in Brussels...

2006-06-29T03:08:00.000-07:00

Arab officials reacted with concern on Thursday to the escalation of the Israeli-Palestiniain crisis, criticizing Israel for causing suffering to Gaza residents and citing Israeli warplanes' buzzing of the Syrian president's home as especially troubling.

From here.

Oh yes, I love their "concern"--for who? for what? What a perspective.

Obviously I am still furious. I've been reading all the updates, that teenager shot in the head when all he was doing was getting back or going to a hiking trip.

Gives me the chills. And not the good kind. So upset I will put off a more analytical discussion of this for later.

2006-06-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

Please excuse me, but after avoiding political topics for so long. I cannot hold myself back any longer. Michael Oren is of course (sadly) entirely correct in his perceptions here. He argues that Israel should resort to targeted killings of those responsible for terrorist actions.

A brief excerpt of the first couple paragraphs, because I worry the link will not work (but really, read it in its entirety):

JERUSALEM--Dawn broke yesterday over the Israel-Gaza border on a surreal but not unfamiliar scene: Rows of Merkava tanks, armored personnel carriers and Humvees were assembled in preparation for an incursion into the strip. These forces--when given the green light--would punch through booby-trapped refugee camps in search of Hamas and Islamic Jihad gunmen, while Israeli jets and helicopters hunt the terrorists from above.

By invading Gaza, Israel hopes to counter increasingly bold Palestinian attacks--such as the firing of some 1,000 Qassam rockets at Israeli border towns and the kidnapping of an Israeli soldier by Hamas earlier this week. The troops will probably net a large number of terrorists and may rescue the captured soldier. But while the operation may flex its military muscle, it cannot restore Israel's deterrence power or prevent future rocket attacks and kidnappings. Indeed, the attack may well prove Pyrrhic--inflicting greater injury on Israel than on the Palestinians.

The quandary Israel confronts today originated in the unilateral withdrawal of all Israeli settlers and soldiers from Gaza last August. A sizable majority of Israelis supported disengagement, excruciating as it was, as a means of achieving a national consensus on the country's borders and of preserving its vital Jewish majority.

Yet even those Israelis most in favor of the Gaza pullout understood that many Palestinians would interpret the move as a strategic retreat and a victory for Hamas and al-Aqsa terror. "We shot at the Jews and they fled Gaza," they would say, "so let's keep shooting and they'll abandon Tel Aviv, Haifa and Jerusalem." Israel could have refuted that claim by responding immediately and massively to every infiltration and to every rocket fired, irrespective of whether the attacks caused Israeli casualties. Gaza is now a de facto independent state, Israel should have declared, and like any other state it must bear the consequences of its aggression.

I remember when I was in Kyriat Shmona, in the very northern portion of Israel right near the borders of Lebanon and Syria we could see the temporary bunkers from which “militants” would fire their Qedusha rockets at Israeli villages and towns.

I saw that “wall”—or fence—which in fact caused the crime rate in a local Israeli village to go down to nearly nothing. Previously that village had been the victim of an infamous incident in which Palestinian gunmen took over an elementary school and slaughtered all the kids.

I know that wrongs have been committed on both sides. But the Israeli army is the only military in the world that warns people to evacuate a building before they fire at it. WTF.

All this reminds me of how similarly in the United States if the government does something it is often us (pun intended)…our media, or whoever, who publicize it, agonize it and protest against it. More power to us. But, in the case of Israel, why should we any longer when it doesn’t seem like there is a real partner in this process.

Is there a price to progressive civility? I will hold myself back from making any (more) over-generalizing comments about the situation. Obviously I am biased (and currently furious)…but I am hoping for the moderates on both sides to reach some sort of consensus.

As for targeted killings, as Oren suggests. I say yes. Now. Unfortunately, there are not too many options, and those that make both sides suffer should suffer themselves.

By the way, I did remember Rantisi and Yassin. But perhaps that was a mere rhetorical question?

2006-06-27T15:15:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe what is going on in Israel right now. With the kidnapping especially, but also...well, here's an excerpt from a NY Times article:

But Hamas officials remained reluctant to acknowledge the right of Israel to exist, while accepting that it does exist and is not likely to disappear. Referring to the Palestinian territories, a Hamas legislator, Salah al-Bardawil, told Reuters: "We said we accept a state in 1967 — but we did not say we accept two states."

Another Hamas legislator and spokesman, Mushir al-Masri, said in an interview: "Our problem is the legitimacy of their existence, not the fact of their existence. Is their existence legitimate or not? That is our problem. They do exist. It's tangible, they exist, we recognize the fact they exist. What we don't recognize is the legitimacy of the occupation."

I see. So, basically you do not believe it has a right to exist. That its existence is not legitimate?

Oh, even better. Well, why don't you just say that then!

I hope Gilad Shalit is returned back to his family, and no more lives are lost in this.

I also hope things calm down and don't reheat again because of all of this. In a couple months I shall be in Israel...and I cannot wait.

Does anyone else find it ironic that all this started in near Kerem Shalom?

2006-06-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with a beer, it's 12:28 a.m. in Brussels, my windows thrown wide open, lights bright in my room, "Boston" by Augustana playing on my laptop...meditative.

You know that feeling when you're walking outside, with your headphones on, maybe after being in a busy metro/bus, in some hot enclosed area...and you suddenly hit the streets? Late at night, no one really around and just music and the nice cool night breeze...

and it's just so damn cleansing.

but of what? what exactly do I need to be cleansed?

Ah today was an alright day by any standards. I mean, work is going well. I've been offered a job and given another semi-interest show, which is great for the morale...

I was invited to this bbq with some others here, but due to a lack of planning at the last moment, things never worked out. After waiting at a busy intersection for 30 minutes or so...you know how those things go. I decided to stop playing the fool and treat myself out to a nice night. I needed the time alone and the time to think, I suppose. Ever since...well, a long time, it's been nothing but touch and go...

The kebab place I stopped at was impeccable, the people there were really nice and they gave me free fries on the side plus a complimentary cup of tea after my meal, all for the nice round price of 3.50 euros.

A woman sitting across from me at another table asked me randomly if I was Chinese, and I stared at her dumbfoundedly, before replying. That doesn't happen often.

I found out she was Moroccan, and in the end she not only drew me a map of Morocco, explained the sites to visit, and gave me bargaining tips, but exchanged numbers with me and will try and set me up with friends in one city and her family in another.

Then it was time to catch "The Break Up." A movie that I was planning to see regardless of the critcism it's been getting. Apparently men can't understand why she stays with the guy so long, and women identify. Big surprise there.

Well anyway, the movie made me think about a lot of things, as I inevitably do anyway. The fact that my ipod seemed to be on a "Jack-fest" on the way back home didn't help either.

This entire week I've been unable to stop thinking about him. And, of course, at night I have anxious dreams about horrible situations with my former best friend.

Let's just say, I haven't been sleeping well.

I guess I'll give a brief recap of things...here...

A really nice guy I've known since I was last in Paris came to visit soon after I arrived. Though he's someone I could perhaps imagine being with, I was so emotionally unavailable for a real relationship when I met him and in the subsequent (last) year with everything going on with Jack...really prevented me from taking him seriously. I supose what really did it was the fact that he's so very far away that I would never be able to truly invest in something when I know I could never truly pursue it.

I felt utterly heartless ending our "nonrelationship," and though the night was pure torture for me, while I dry-eyed tried to comfort him...the fact is...I don't really like him that much. I suppose I just won't let myself.

A friend of mine mentioned this 1% rule. That one must give up that 1% of oneself...the last percent that is tied up in a former relationship. And that it takes a lot to actually give this up. But it can be the difference between successfully embarking on a new relationship...and, well, not. At all. This 1%...can be a mere matter of entertaining any thoughts of possibly getting back together with the other person, any "partner-ish" thoughts.

Of course, I'm talking about Jack here.

Against my better judgment I have called him twice--once before I left the States, and once more while here--asking how he did on his exam. I also emailed him, but received no reply.

In a way, I feel like I am at least due the courtesy of a reply saying "Please leave me alone" or something of that sort. But nothing...and I cannot get that 1% out of my system.

There is another guy I am really quite interested in. I've been speaking with him quite a while, emailing with him, and I honestly think we'd complement each other. I am pretty sure he is interested, but I hesitate to truly turn my full attention to things. Mostly because I feel so emotionally torn. I want to get over Jack, but I don't want to...I guess I'd like to know if he's moved on. If he has...all the better, and I suppose that will allow me to do so as well. I don't know why.

The thing is, I heard that girls, once they get over someone, they get over that person. Well, I don't know if that's true. But I do know that I've gotten over a couple people (2) in my life...and when it was over...it truly was over. Poof...in a way, I just no longer thought of them that way any longer, and it was impossible to bring that back. This same 1% friend of mine says if the spark is truly there, it can be rekindled. But I have my doubts...Can a spark be rekindled if the electricity, the very thing holding it together--openness, availability, whatever it is--is gone?

This new guy...I just don't know what to do. I wish things could just work out, passively, without me having to do anything. Maybe things do work out that way...in time...but I'm not a very patient person.

I walk down the street and see happy couples together and I do not begrudge them. I remember when Jack and I were similarly happy. Sometimes I am nostalgic...melancholy, a bit...I'll half-smile to myself while walking down the street, a memory playing in my head.

Then it's gone and I know that it's late, and I'm alone on this street...and if it weren't because of that, I'd walk forever. How ironic.

2006-06-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

Absolutey knackered...Got back from a weekend in Amsterdam tonight. Whew! What a weekend!

First thing's first. I must write about that awesome World Cup game against Italy Saturday night. Oh. my. Lord. What a freakin' psychotic game! Three reds?! I cannot believe the Rossi red on Mc Bride was at all equivalent to the Mastroeni "red." Wtf! As people have said, we were apparently playing against Italy and the ref in that game. I mean, the bugger even smiled when he looked at Rossi after the McBride foul! I called the game at 2-1 USA (me being optimistic after that Czech fiasco game...) but Ghana today made it seem like we had a chance to stay in, and this game confirms it. It's a pity that Mc Bride was (apparently) offside and Beasley's goal didn't count. Oh well. Now we just have to beat Ghana, and Italy must beat the Czechs. Good luck all.

I watched the game at a sports bar in Amsterdam on Leidsplein. It was packed with Americans and Italians--I'd say about evenly split, or maybe a few more Americans. Though it felt nice to show some team spirit, I have to say that Americans are in a bit of a predicament when it comes to national pride these days--especially in Europe. They're scared to show any sort of nationalism, whereas other teams sport jersies, flags and the like. It's pathetic.

So I was quite glad when people stood up and sang the anthem and I loved the "U-S-A, U-S-A" chanting. The Italians kept trying to one-up us with their own chanting, and the scene grew quite ugly after the first goal they scored. An Italian guy near me turned around shouting "Italia...Itaaaaliaaaa..." at the top of his lungs while pumping his fist and glaring at me and the other Americans near me. Frankly, that sucked. We hadn't done or said a single thing in his direction. It was obvious that this was much more than just a game...or at least, the USA cheering was more than just for their team...ridiculous.

Why is it that the US can't cheer and support their team as much as any other country?! That is bogus.

When we scored some minutes afterward, we all made sure not to sneeringly or jeeringly reply in the same fashion. No sinking to their level. Plus, I don't get happy out of making others feel demoralized and bad about themselves.

There was one Scottish dude there who seemed intent on making trouble, and sadly enough he was rooting for the Americans. I do swear that half of the "loud/bad American" stereotypes out there are perpetuated by non-Americans who speak English and look sufficiently "white" or "American." Hell, why would they be like..."nono...I'm Canadian and acting annoying..."...

The Scot was calling Italy shit in Italian and making fun of their team. When he made a mention to Mussolini, some Italians really got riled up. I had adrenaline surging through me most of the time...and the spirits were quite ugly at many points. Luckily, the Scot finally realized he'd crossed the line with that last remark and settled down a bit more (he also told them he was from Scotland, which relieved me)...

That Italian guy next to me became a lot nicer after the US made their goal and we didn't sneer at him as he had to us. I suppose he realized how stupid he had acted. In any case, the game was entirely draaaaining and I could have gone straight to bed right after. Though, of course, I didn't.

Anyway, more on what happened after the game the next time I blog as well as a description of my current l'auberge espagnole-esque living conditions, which I love.

I'll finish this post up on something that has been bothering me a lot. While traveling through Amsterdam--I had been there about 1.5 years ago--it was clear that one thing was different. People were a lot more anti-American...and they didn't really differentiate between the people at the government, contrary to what many believe. Perhaps it depends on the person, but the overall vibe I got from most people was...friendly as ever for the first 10-20-sometimes 30 minutes that I'm talking to them, and then once they new I was from California...(oh, forgive me..."America"...*chokes back vomit* <---display of sarcastic humor) they suddenly drew back with a disapproving glare and a holier than thou stare.

Then, they proceeded to lecture me on our horrible perception in Europe as well as the ins and outs of our ruinous domestic policy (because they all know so much about that), and our foreign policy, of course.

Now this post isn't about defending the political arguments. Hardly so. That can be another post. But all I would like to say, is that these people should get the hell off their "high and mighty" chairs and realize that they are the damn hypocrites here. Foreign perception? Oh, I suppose Americans are supposed to coddle Europeans and beg them to be friendly to them while they're traveling abroad. Short of licking their ass*s, I don't think I could have been any friendlier. Admittedly, they seemed to have no real problem with me, but just could not help launching into their glowering angry disapproval of America in general, regardless of whether I wanted to hear it, or preferred to enjoy my brief holiday before returning back to 14 hour workdays...

Oh yes though, I remember, Americans should seek out such discussion, right? As ambassadors for good will and all that shit. Well, every European who snubs me outright without talking to me about the specific issues in an open-minded and discussion-oriented fashion, makes me not only lose my respect for these people, but makes me more and more reluctant to follow along.

Now let me say that I know many many many wonderful European who are non-judgmental, open-minded and understanding. Who don't mix up the political and the personal, but then again, if Americans are criticized as a whole for those few annoying loudmouths who travel about and scuff it up for the rest of us, then I think we all should be held to that same "lowest denominator" standard.

All I wanted to do this weekend was travel to Amsterdam, check out a museum exhibit, relax, watch football...and have a good time. I did have a good time, but it was largely soured by intimations like "woah, an American going to a museum exhibit? well...*cue person soaring to great heights in order to look down on a prostrate LYLT* that is good, especially given your perception abroad, that is necessary."

Why thanks, arsehole.

I just want to cheer for our football team. Why do I have to make excuses to do so?

We shouldn't, and I won't. Next time someone gives me a hard time about such things, I shall kindly tell them to shove it up their's...and screw abroad perceptions.

This rant brought to you by--Amsterdam.

2006-06-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

A little more about my neighborhood.

Basically, it's one of the poorest in Brussels, but I really like it thus far. Lots and lots of immigrants. My friend said if you walked around and closed your eyes and then opened them again, you could imagine yourself in a neighborhood in Tunisia or any other Arabic country. Often, I am the only girl out in the street without a head covering (and almost every other covering on)...

There is a small square near the corner of my street where old men sit and talk, mothers walk their babies in strollers and errant boys run around...often they're playing "football" all over, in the streets, on the sidewalk...

The cafes on the sidewalks are full of men arguing, laughing or talking to each other in Arabic. And let's not forget the abundance of "kebab" places.

Today the streets were full of BBQ smoke as people took their wares out onto the streets and constructed mini-patios because the weather is so nice.

I happily and blasphemously walked through, back from the gym, in my shorts and tee-shirt. Ah but it's a nice day. Now I must shower. Toodles.

----------------
A belated note: I live near "L'Institute de la Sagesse" (Institue of Wisdom), which I found quite hilarious. I mean, seriously, it's right around the corner.

2006-06-10T05:53:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I really love it here. Thus far (I say hesitatingly...).

But anyway, it's rare enough that I love living somewhere, or I find a place so home-like so quickly...

I've already been invited to a wedding in Slovakia and a banquet plus a fair in Sweden. Pretty nice stuff. And my work will be paying for my trip to Paris to report on a story. Things are going well...

The weather here is beautiful, about 30 celsius, or 86 F...
Beer is very cheap, $1.50 for a pint during happy hour, and maybe $2.50 normally...
I'm working now, and I go to happy hour, that in and of itself is quite weird.

There are a lot of very interesting nice people here. It's weird to have a good social life. I like how people are so accepting and willing to invite you wherever and whenever. There are seemingly no real cliques here because a lot of people are here so temporarily. Of course, you still have the "Euro chic" group...but otherwise, the normal people are so cool. I found a nice gym near my place and I'm slowly learning my way around the city...it's really great.

I will hopefully post pictures here as soon as I get the stuff working. I'm having a bit of trouble getting the laptop to recognize my camera.

It's somewhat exhausting going out all the time, during those quiet times I watch the DVDs of Superman the head boss at work leant me (the old seasons), and I'm studying Spanish...slowly picking up more and more. But boy does it mess with my French! (And I thought it'd be an advantage harumph!)

Every time I walk around this city I seem to bump into something cool going on. Last weekend it was a Cuban music group playing an awesome concert in the park with booths for food and everyone out lounging on the grass...in the end, I realized why I liked them so much, I have a bunch of their music on my computer.

Then this week, I walked out of my house to go to the supermarket and walked right into this huge flee market/Sundayish market thing, spanning blocks and blocks, all less than 100 meters from my door. Apparently this only happens once a year for the entire weekend. Lucky me. Tons of food, cheap fruits and vegetables, clothes, games, bicycles, electronics, anything your heart could desire...Tomorrow I'm taking my camera with me.

Tonight I am invited to a shindig at a coworker's place. Basically her pub quiz team has won too many bottles of champagne and decided to get more alcohol, make food and invite people over to party. Not a bad reason if I say so myself. I'm only a little worried about what I should wear, if I should bring anything...and I will make sure to eat well before. I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of all my superiors--after all, I'm the measly intern. =)

In any case, as I said above, it's weird to have a social life of sorts...I mean, last night for example, I got out of work and joined the hordes of people at Place du Luxembourg...oh man, hordes all after work. I had my happy hour beer--two for 2.50 euros--then we went over to get food at this place nearby and to watch the World Cup game. (Unfortunately, Poland v. Ecuador, not the first one). Anyway, while eating I heard from some of my other friends that I've just met that there's an Italian concert going on, but alas it was too late. I stayed where I was, watched a bit more of the game, and then went to the park to hang out with some other cool people...It was a huge difference from the noise and craziness of the place we'd just been. The park was the "royal park" there...and absolutely beautiful...the weather was warm with a nice cool breeze, and we just sat and talked for a while.

It's strange how it stays light outside here until nearly 11 p.m...which would be similar to around maybe 8:30 p.m. in the summer in California. That really throws my sleep schedule off, but then again, I have plenty of daylight hours after I get out of work. The days just zoom by here...by the time I'm out of work, fed, and out having a good time, it's really time to get to bed so that I can start the next day off bright and early. Thank G-d it's a weekend! Next time I hope to post pictures...

2006-06-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back in Europe...in Brussels now.

I hate to have my first post here be nostalgic or sad...but that's what it was going to be. Yet, first, lest my post indicate negative feelings for this place, I will give a few beginning perceptions from the last 72ish hours.

Landing in Brussels reminded me of Washington D.C....so green, so beautiful. I was actually glad to come live here, and now I understand why it's so green (read: rain, lots of it). I like how the people here are so laid-back, from fashion to their very own language. Yes, you do need to know French to truly get around here, but they're also not snide about such things. And, if you stumble a bit with your accent, they pretend to not have noticed. Or so that has been my experience. I was flattered by one Belgian the first day, a woman at the cell phone shop, who thought I was French.

Despite some housing problems, I have a wonderful housemate here and a quite decent situation in general. My work place is nice...the people there are wonderful.

A friend of mine is now visiting. He's really nice, down to earth, fun to hang out with...although I do not know if I can match him on the emotional level he's at...I think I'm much too distraught. And here's where I suppose the tone gets a bit more sad. What often happens when I meet people I used to know in Europe, out of place...I feel like he is from a past life. Frankly, in a way, he makes me homesick...and sad. I know there's a crush and then a crash...I would prefer a middle ground though...and not quite so soon! I don't think it's hit yet, but this does somehow change my mood.

My last night in LA, I desperately wanted to post...but Blogger wasn't working properly and neither was my Internet connection. Go figure.

I was so very sad. So very very sad. Nothing was as it should be. I had so much left unfinished. I was leaving a home I very well will never come back to. Yes, I took pictures, but that's all I may have left. It's hard feeling so sad and so badly about a thing and not feeling like you have anyone you can tell this to or depend on. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes I despise myself for still being idealistic about past relationships and friendships. I wish I could just move on...I know I'll be hurt again. But maybe I just like setting myself up.

When I think about the way things were in LA, it makes me want to just run away from it all and throw myself into my work. I know I could be happy working 24/7...at least for some time...but that's no life. Is it?

I suppose I will feel better when I start traveling. That has always helped me. To settle somewhere alone is always hard. Keeping active and keeping social when I find superficialities annoying and the lack of genuine friendship saddening...is harder. Maybe that's why I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep for a long, long time...

2006-05-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

My head hurts again. It's been the norm now for quite some time.

Anyway, my days in Berkeley are dwindling down to the last couple, and my phone has been ringing nonstop. It's odd. I tell people it has nothing to do with my popularity--just the concentration of time in which I must get things done. Why couldn't this have been spread out over the last four years? Aha, the universe is strange and ironic. I guess I'll have to make the best of the time I have.

A friend of mine talks about how she's always the last one to know things in her family--especially since they're all down in LA. For me, it's quite the opposite. Sometimes I even know things that my other family members don't know, or see the clash coming from across the way before the big hit. They all talk to me, and I get to witness it miles, states, countries or continents away. Powerless to do anything...except perhaps to listen to the yelling and get a horrible headache. Today I spoke to my mother, sister, father and uncle...all within the last 24 hours. Repeatedly in some cases. My friend wants to be informed of her family's going-ons. I get way too much information sometimes. I guess that's the way it goes.

I've gone out a lot this last week, meeting with old friends, trying to take as much advantage of what little time I have left...but tonight I just wanted to go home, home to my room here in Berkeley and curl up with a book, listen to music...and then sleep for a very long time. I realized a couple weeks ago, quite subconsciously...my place in Berkeley has become more of a home than my room back in LA. I guess I realized this when I discovered I sleep better up here. It's weird to find a home, and then have to leave it so suddenly, but Berkeley became my home despite my begrudging admition.

And yet, as I look about me, I know it's time to leave and start a new chapter in my life. At the graduation ceremony I attended earlier today, someone quoted Yogi Berra, who said "When there's a fork in the road, take it." I reflected about that for a long time (it was a long ceremony)...I mean, you can take that as literally as you want and it still works (though you do get into some ethical issues...). I'm taking the fork, and I'm glad (they're quite useful).

In any case, I sometimes think about how, though I have certain things set, or certain things lined up, life is so unpredictable, and I have so much room to make mistakes, that it's a wonder I get to where I want to go. Sometimes I worry I won't actually get there.

I suppose I just need more sleep. The last month has been extremely hard on my sleep schedule. The last semester on my life schedule. It really has been a whirlwind. Whenever I sleep I have nightmares...when I'm awake my head and my eyes ache. I need to relax, but doing nothing makes me edgy and anxious...I have so much to do, but I'm constantly putting it off.

There is so much I want to say, that I imagine, I never will. There are so many things I don't want to deal with, but I suppose, I must. I guess that's how it goes.

2006-05-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm in the last cycle of exams, perhaps, for the rest of my life. Last night I studied probably as hard as I have in a long time. This entire semester has been that way. I worked a lot. And, as has always happened, tomorrow's final final may suffer, but I will get it done. As I always have. And then life really will go on.

These last four years have flown by so quickly. Sure, it sounds trite. But truisms being what they are...

I really have changed a lot, been through so much, so many experiences. I came here very innocent and naive about a lot of things. I'd never had a serious relationship, didn't have to deal with loss--of loved ones, family, fortune...of a lot. But I also gained so much. I've learned to really rely on myself, as best I can. I'm still working on a lot of things, but I know so much more of what I need to work on, and how I have progressed. I'm a lot stronger, and a lot more mature. Though I may still be clueless in many ways, I know I've grown up a lot.

There are many experiences I will never forget. And there's not a single one that I regret. Everything I've done has brought me to this point, and I feel like I lived these years to the best of my ability; that I did all that I could to make the most of each moment, day, week, month and year. I've learned so much.

I will truly miss Berkeley and all the experiences I had here. I will come back to visit, but it will never be the same. But, that said, I am ready to move on, to take in new experiences, and see where the wind blows me. Tomorrow night I start the rest of my life.

Thank you Berkeley for helping me find me. I've never been very good at goodbyes, and it's likely that this is not the last goodbye I will say this week, but one in a series. And then, like I'm prone to, I'll just disappear...

2006-05-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

Back.

Nearly graduated, one ceremony left and two finals to go.

What a mix of feelings right now.

This week has been superb, catastrophic, amazing, and horrible.

I'm so exhausted. I feel sick.

And anyway, I attribute way too much to way too little, and way too little to way too much. I wish I could get the ingredients right, but I kinda feel off balance right now.

It's weird how I feel like I've stopped caring so much, but really just care more.

It always sneaks up on you.

2006-05-09T01:08:00.000-07:00

A letter to my acne:

Dear Acne:

Get a life! Don't you think a decade of torture has been long enough?! You've managed to ruin my social/dating life up through and after puberty...what else do you want with me?!?!?!

Stop terrorizing me.

Hate,

LYLT

2006-05-05T02:03:00.000-07:00

I had a sneaking suspicion, but I think I must admit it's true.

The reason I'm doomed to relationship failure--

My dream guy is Clark Kent, as played by Dean Cain in The New Adventures of Superman: Lois and Clark.

I guess every girl wants to marry Superman...

Sigh.

2006-05-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

EBF (11:15:38 PM): i want you to just leave me alone now
EBF (11:15:40 PM): i've had it

When will I learn.

2006-05-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

By trying to make her happy doesn't she see that it's threatening to ruin our entire relationship?

The sad part is that I can see where she is coming from, I am trying to sympathize...I know she wants to be happy, to celebrate something with two people that supposedly mean so much to her. But, can she be so blind to not see that celebrating with one destroys the entire thing for the other person?

I feel like I'm being bought off. I know, I know that this will allow me unprecedented abilties to get what I want, to ask for almost anything--that she will practically bow to my every desire (a rare occurence at that)...in her attempts to win my favor for ______. But I would feel like the lowest person on Earth to take advantage of that situation, to squeeze it for all it's worth, feeling the way I do. It would be wrong, it would be hypocritical, and it would be so painful. Moral dilemmas like this are not meant to be mixed in with celebratory times, are they?

Yet, how do I look them both in the face? How do I look ____ in the eye and speak? What do I say? What do I not say?

It's inevitable, whatever happens. I decided to go through with it, to do whatever is asked of me, whatever is requested. There is no ill intention on her side, only ignorance and misunderstanding. Though those two things are very dangerous. I don't know if things will ever even be mildly the same again after all this. The fact that I was asked not to say anything about it...I just don't know.

Every moment I feel good or I feel happy will feel like the ultimate betrayal. Why couldn't she have done things normally?

WHY. F*cking why.

2006-05-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

I wanted to call you and say this to you today, or at least send an email. But, I don't want to hurt you. So I'll write it here even though you won't see it.

Thank you Patrick.

2006-05-01T23:53:00.000-07:00

I'm constantly surprised by peoples' abilities to hurt one another. My ability to hurt another person, as well. Though I try to restrain myself. I feel like someone needs to be the better person. I appreciate it when other people take that burden on. Recently, I feel like I've been taking perhaps too much. On.

Because I want to avoid one of those "it's all rapidly coming to an end"-posts. And because I don't quite feel like dabbling in my unimpassioned, unromantic "romantic" exploits, I'll just...digress...

I can't shake the heaviness of spirit..."There's a dead end straight ahead"..."There are dark clouds gathering"...

I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to be happy about. I know I should cherish these moments and all that stuff. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just growing more and more numb to the reality of things in my life. Ignoring things and pressing on, how long can you press on before hitting that dead end? Certain realities are quite ugly--don't they need to be dealt with eventually? Can you avoid something forever?

I don't think so.

But I don't know what to do. About anything.

I wish I had a Merlin.

2006-05-01T23:52:00.000-07:00

Aqualung--"Take Me Home"

"Every day
Keep making the same mistakes
Once again
I find myself in the same old place
And I'm wandering
Wondering
Where to turn
There's a dead end
Straight ahead
Won't you take me home?

And you said
There's nothing you wouldn't do
And I answered
There's nothing in this world I need you to do
Just hold me
In your arms
I feel so cold
There are dark clouds
Gathering
Won't you take me home?

Oh, won't you take me home?

Got me wandering
Wondering
Where to turn
There are dark clouds
Gathering
Won't you take me home?

Oh please, won't you take me home?

Oh, won't you take me home?"

2006-04-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Been doing lots of thinking, per usual.

It's weird how my last four years of college have been symmetrical to say the least. Or, I suppose that's the way the "grand plan"--whatever that is--works.

Four years of high school, four years is what it took to build a really solid friendship with EBF, and it took those same four years to have it disintegrate into absolute nothingness.

Take this scenario, for example: In my attempts to pay attention to her life and ask her about what is important to her, because I care, etc. I call her, message her, contact her in order to ask how her MCAT went, in order to ask if she got the job she wanted to get. Her response, her only response: *shrug*...and I never got a single call back. I believe she is ignoring me.

I think, at this point, I'm just asking for it. I should stop.

***

Let's move onto Jack. It's been nine consecutive days of "no-contact-whatsoever." I think about him way too much, miss him a lot, but I suppose there is a respect now for this agreement, to allow us both some time and space and...distance. But you know what I really wish? I wish he had done this while I was in Europe. That he had given me the respect back then, instead of making me into some half-dependent, emotionally stunted twit (well, EBF helped too)...with his stupid fade-out of sorts. I never quite understood how someone who really cares about someone else can do that. Maybe one day I will (hopefully not)...but the thing is this. If I really care about someone, then, when I hear their voice asking me to give them a call, or see them write me an email saying they want to talk to me--when they feel sad, or hurt--I cannot ignore them or not get back to them. I just can not.

My life has changed in so many ways in four years. I guess that's part of growing up. Though no one ever told me growing up was also a partial "falling apart and putting yourself back together in a different way" process. Maybe it's better I didn't know that.

***

At this point I'm way too busy to seriously date anyone or do any sort of emotional committing. There are only a couple weeks of school left, and I already have trouble concentrating on finishing up the material. I need to finish strong though, dammit. However, despite such high claims, there are a couple guys on the horizon that I am interested in.

Introducing: Ohio/NY boy (ONYB), Taiwanese guy (TG), and yet another German guy (GG). Updates, explanations, and more...in the next installment. Don't worry, finals are coming up.

2006-04-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

When shit hits the fan, the fan breaks and you get quite a mess.

That's me right now. The fan, that is.

I have hurt someone very dear to me much more than I can stand...and it is not only torturing me to hurt them, but also just generally painful.

Jack, who I have not been dating this whole time, but have basically been de facto dating for some time...and I broke up our non-relationship last night/early morning. In all honesty it was a breakup that we seemed to both know was coming--at least temporarily. But, there is so much greater a gamble on that last part when two people split ways. How does one find the energy to reinvest in anything else? To reinvest again, from the beginning? How does one feel right about that?

I have this feeling that Jack will be fine. He always ends up that way. He has an enviably cheery outlook on the world that I have always admired. And when we were dating, it helped give me some balance. I suppose it's a selfish fear of mine that I will lose him in all of this, this whatever I need, because it was me who said I needed to "make sure." Those dreadful words.

And trust me, I hate myself for it. But, when you're in your first longterm relationship and so much shit has happened over a three-year span...how can you be sure? Maybe, I'm not as decisive as the next person. But I wish I knew.

Sometimes I wonder how everything would have been different if my parents had actually approved of our relationship, if my EBF had not been who she was and supported me on it instead of talking against it. Sometimes I wonder if that would have made me more decisive and made me able to dive straight in, instead of analyzing on the outskirts--letting critical and cynical get in the way.

I hope I haven't made the mistake of my life and lost him forever.

2006-04-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

A conversation:

LYDLT(10:59:40 PM): that you are not there for me when i'm going through this, and then you just ask me out of your own (perhaps perverse) curiosity...after not speaking to me at all...and have me just go through, like a shopping list how my life and my family has been torn into shreds
LYDLT(10:59:43 PM): go watch tv.
LYDLT(10:59:58 PM): if that's what u want
EBF(11:14:24 PM): you will never have good friends unless you learn to see good in people. rather i know nothing about your life. i take that back. you will never be good friends with me. good luck on paper. i hope you have your true friends and find plenty more.

Auto response from LYDLT(11:14:24 PM): some things never change.

EBF signed off at 11:14:36 PM.

My away message, for once, quite fitting.