Coming home. Homecoming.

Bittersweet.

"Coming Home"
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming

[Diddy]
Back where I belong, yeah I never felt so strong
(I’m back baby)
I feel like there’s nothing that I can’t try
And if you with me put your hands high
(put your hands high)
If you ever lost a light before, this ones for you
And you, the dreams are for you

I hear “The Tears of a Clown”
I hate that song
I feel like they talking to me when it comes on
Another day another Dawn
Another Keisha, nice to meet ya, get the math I’m gone
What am I ‘posed to do when the club lights come on
Its easy to be Puff, its harder to be Sean
What if the twins ask why I aint marry their mom (why, damn!)
How do I respond?
What if my son stares with a face like my own
And says he wants to be like me when he’s grown
Sh-t! But I aint finished growing
Another night the inevitible prolongs
Another day another Dawn
Just tell Taneka and Taresha I’ll be better in the morn’
Another lie that I carry on
I need to get back to the place I belong

[Dirty Money - Chorus]
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming


[Diddy - Verse 2]
“A house is Not a Home“, I hate this song
Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone
And n-ggas got the nerve to blame you for it
And you know you woulda took the bullet if you saw it
But oyu felt it and still feel it
And money can’t make up for it or conceal it
But you deal with it and you keep ballin’
Pour out some liquor, play ball and we keep ballin’
Baby we’ve been living in sin ’cause we’ve been really in love
But we’ve been living as friends
So you’ve been a guest in your own home
It’s time to make your house your home
Pick up your phone, come on

[Dirty Money - Chorus]
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming


[Diddy - Verse 3]
“Ain’t No Stopping Us Now“, I love that song
Whenever it comes on it makes me feel strong
I thought I told y’all that we won’t stop
We back cruising through Harlem, Viso blocks
It’s what made me, saved me, drove me crazy
Drove me away than embraced me
Forgave me for all of my shortcomings
Welcome to my homecoming
Yeah it’s been a long time coming
Lot of fights, lot of scars, lot of bottles
Lot of cars, lot of ups, lot of downs
Made it back, lost my dog (I miss you BIG)
And here I stand, a better man! (a better man)
Thank you Lord (Thank you Lord)

[Dirty Money - Chorus]
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the World I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the World that I’m coming
--Diddy, Dirty Money

Sometimes

Sometimes we scream and shout and no one hears. Is it because it falls on deaf ears?
Are they not listening? Are we not saying things loudly and clearly enough?

Certain images will never leave me. My father on his knees beside my bed, crying as I am crying. Writhing in pain emotionally as I writhe in pain physically. These are images we are never supposed to see, or feel, or experience, or know.

I have never been in a place so dark. The fear that it will all come back again can be stifling. Being young has never been such a curse. Or is it a blessing? 151/97. 100/61. Before and after.

I will never be so thankful as I have been for the love and kindness of friends. I've learned over the last several years that if you do not give people a chance to stand up and care for you by telling them what is going on, then how can you discount them for not doing so. I've learned that to be cared for you must make yourself vulnerable. I've been so much more vulnerable. And yet, the closest people to me have not heard me shout and scream for help. Beg for aid, for relief, for someone, something to stop the madness.

In the end I learned, if you do not help yourself, no one else is at fault. We are responsible for our own fate. In the end I felt blasphemous. Stronger than God. Though I prayed with all my might to be saved.

If you don't help yourself, who will?

I've never cried more in my life. Some days I wake up with salt on my cheeks because I am crying in my sleep.

Most days I work on the verge of tears.

I do everything I can to distract myself from the pain. I am so distracted I can't focus.

I need help.

This is not a cry for help. It's a f*cking scream.

Double paroles

Funny.

I realized just a second ago that I've had nothing to say here for a long time. In fact, my last substantive post here...was more than a year ago. I want to come back to writing here, but I don't want to hold myself to anything, or make it more than a simple outlet. I've missed writing for myself in this black hole of the Internet.

Here's a song for you, for me.

Oh, that reminds me. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now." Do you get the connection still?

So much meaning in these words:

Woke up in London yesterday
Found myself in the city near Piccadilly
Don't really know how I got here
I got some pictures on my phone

New names and numbers that I don't know
Address to places like Abbey Road
Day turns to night, night turns to whatever we want
We're young enough to say

Oh this has gotta be the good life
This has gotta be the good life
This could really be a good life, good life

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight
Like this city is on fire tonight
This could really be a good life
A good, good life

To my friends in New York, I say hello
My friends in L.A. they don't know
Where I've been for the past few years or so
Paris to China to Col-or-ado

Sometimes there's airplanes I can' t jump out
Sometimes there's stuff that don't work now
We are god of stories but please tell me-e-e-e
What there is to complain about

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over
When everything is out
You gotta take it in

Hopelessly
I feel like there might be something that I'll miss
Hopelessly
I feel like the window closes oh so quick
Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about

--OneRepublic's "Good Life"

I've never been one to give up. But I do not like who I am becoming. This song reminds me of hope.

Diction matters, huh?

Some questions -- no answers

Can strength of character actually be a character flaw? Can it work against you?

I finally understand the mentality that makes someone think that cutting themselves is the answer. Is that empathy a problem in and of itself?

At what point is it all too self destructive?

Felt like a fraud today when I was included in the group that doesn't tie up the medical system/emergency rooms, etc... It was said during a coffee chat. "You and I don't"...etc.

No one else can pull the stops on this. This is my responsibility. Why am I continuing to hurt myself? What is wrong with me?

A list of what I ate today:

Cereal and milk
A sesame bagel and cream cheese
Chocolate chip cookie
Chai soy latte
A bag of fritos
Broccoli/meat/potatoes/shrimp/carrots and brown rice
20 pieces of sour candy
Four pieces of brownie
A burger
15 tater tots
Can of ginger ale
Handful of hot tamales
Bottle of beer

This week:

All of that, plus...
McDonald's twice (full meals, plus McFlurry)
Burger/tots
Many sour candies and twizzlers
Kettle corn
Many handfuls of hot tamales
Many bags of Fritos
Two dark chocolate chilli bars
Many cans of diet coke
Many soy chai lattes
Many cups of coffee
Chips and salsa, refried bean sauce
Frozen yogurt and piles and piles of candy toppings
Oil dripping shrimp tacos, rice and beans
Pho tai
Breakfast burrito
Cookies, scones, banana bread, cinnamon roll
Multiple cherry cokes

I really can't remember. Much much more along those lines.
Grand total daily caloric intake? 5-6,000 a day? If I could hazard a guess.

This is what happens when the only positive thing in your life is food and when nothing else seems to matter.

Free tumbling into constantly new lows.

Maybe I should rename this blog that.

Oh, I did meet two guys.

Ha.

Silver lining: Four or five books or a political career's worth of material here.

I have never been in more pain in my life.

Pretty much at wits end

It's taken about two years and three months to get here. It seems like everything changed for me Feb. 12, 2009. I also did it to myself. Changing jobs, locations, partners, lifestyles. Abandoning what I know.

I feel so lost.

I'm experiencing so much pain -- physical, emotional, mental.

I don't have any answers now.

I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.

Is this all life has to offer?

I really hope not.

Nothing to say

Lately, it seems, music is my only way of speaking. Those words of Imogen Heap spin round my mind.

Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this

And it's like those words are enough. For the moment. Isn't it that way with most relationships. Time and again I am blown away by how naturally selfish people are. Just how little they truly care for other human beings. By how egocentric, self-serving, egotistical we are. A certain amount of self-esteem is, of course, necessary for all healthy people. But, slowly, I've come to believe that our generation has overdosed on this small measure. And we are a society of gluttons. In more ways than one. How many people have rationalized their selfish actions through the immortal words of Heap. "That you only meant well...that it's all for the best...that it's just what we need."

The man I thought I knew, that I thought I trusted, that I thought I loved, that I thought loved me, said to me yesterday that he "sacrificed everything to be with" me. The words stopped me cold. Sacrificed for who? For what? Normally sacrifice denotes something done on behalf, or for the gain, of someone else. What do I gain here? Nothing. Today's world denotes sacrifice as a personal gain. You sacrifice for your own gain. He "sacrificed" so that he could gain more. He lied so that the game could play on. And he would have continued to do so. That is less sacrifice than personal gamble. What is this world we live in now?

I was up in the Bay Area a weekend ago, and when I got into town I bought a BART ticket with $10 on it. On my way into town from the airport, I realized that my ticket had disappeared. Either I'd misplaced it, or someone had helped that occur. Whatever the case may be, I figured that it was something easily remedied. Maybe the BART agent would give me a replacement ticket, maybe it would just be my loss...hopefully not. At the exit, I took the elevator down. And while the open air and street was to my right, and others walked on out without swiping their passes...I decided to deal with the situation. I went over to the agent.

"Sir, I have a bit of a problem."

"You have to go through the gates and swipe your ticket," he said brusquely.

"That's just the thing. I can't seem to find my ticket. But I did buy one at the airport for $10," I said, gesturing to my large suitcase. "I think it may have been stolen."

"A lost ticket pays $5.40," he said.

"Oh, so I only lose a couple dollars?" I trailed off...thinking.

"A lost ticket pays $5.40," he barked again.

"Oh, I have to pay that fee? In addition to the $10 I lost? I could have just walked out of here, as those other people did."

"You have to pay or that's a $300 ticket you're going to get!"

"But I don't want to pay anything more. I understand why you have this rule here. But I'm telling the truth. You can see my suitcase. I regularly ride BART when I'm here. I mean I could have walked out."

"And I'll have you arrested. If there are policemen out there I'll have you arrested right now. And a $300 ticket written up for you."

And, maybe it was all that I've been through recently. But I got a bit emotional. My eyes welled up.

"Where is your humanity? Where is your kindness and compassion?"

"PAY!" he barked, motioning his hands away in a wave at my words and glaring at me as he had throughout our encounter. "YOU MUST PAY. Do you think I can change the rules just for you?"

I opened up my wallet, openly bawling by now. Those who know me, know this is not "usual" behavior. Whatever that is. I paid the man. Then I told him I hoped he got *his* back. Whatever that means. It was meant to be menacing. I wanted him to feel frightened. He just smirked at me and waved his hand away. Smirked at my tears.

And I felt again, so empty, so betrayed. So cold. What has happened to people?

True, he was doing his job. But are we so callous and uncaring that regular interactions cannot be more humane. That we cannot look at a situation and react with kindness? He could have sympathized with me, he could have explained his predicament, he could have done many more things than what he did. Why?

There are no answers to my question. I ask "why" nearly every day now. I wonder why people are as they are. I was told to invest less in each interaction with people. That if I didn't care so much, I wouldn't be affected as greatly. Is that the answer to living in this world?

Is that a world I want to live in?