Have you ever wondered whether it's all worth it? I went through four years of high school, four years of extra curriculars, APs and volunteering...and then it all essentially disappeared. What's it worth now? Yes, I have experiences, etc. I guess.

Sometimes life is so disheartening. I just plug away because what else is there to do. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that perseverence, diligence and hard-work are important, that they actually count. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was brainwashed.

If only I could be one of those people that don't really give a damn about others, about the quality of their work and life for here and now, to party, be happy and just enjoy themselves. If only I were smarter.

Well, there's a reason for this reflective entry. I applied for a position at the Daily Cal and was rejected. It's natural, someone has to be a loser & someone has to be a winner. I was seriously considering not applying for many reasons, but perhaps it was only because I was afraid of rejection. Well, here it is, staring me right in the face. Nice to meet you, rejection. The feeling is quite unique, it's like a punch to the stomach, except you never quite regain your breath. There are many reasons why things with the Daily Cal turned out the way they did. But, I'll take it as a sign from up above. Perhaps it's time I lived more for myself. All those weeks I pushed myself to satisfy others just took away all scraps of enjoyment from my own life--from my own work. What can I say. I can't really say anything. But today was extremely demoralizing, disheartening and disingenuous--I learned about the positions from leaflets posted around the newsroom. No one spoke to me about it. When I congratulated the people who got the position I received odd looks. They were very nice to me, when they are usually...not. Have I mentioned I hate pity. Only pitiful people deserve pity. What with 2.5 hours of sleep last night and a long day of work I was ready to just give up. I am ready to just give up. I already felt myself deemed a lesser person, my editor took it upon herself to subtly but not tactfully degrade my points, writing and questions--constantly siding with others against me.

I will try and end on a less depressing note. I should have gone abroad next year, but at least this cements the fact that I'm going the following year. Also, I will never rent myself to ungrateful editors who want to use my time and life for their own ends. My grades will be better next year. I will get more sleep. I will have a life free of guilt and free of anguish. I will have a life in general. You can bet on that.

No comments: