who needs to breath anyway?

that's what this entry is titled.

i just finished reading a book on Lance Armstrong, his fight against cancer...it was actually very inspiring and made me feel really bad that i wasn't doing something more to help ppl out in this world. i mean, English and polisci, how low can you go?

i really really really despise my arrogant polisci GSI who thinks he's soooo great. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate him. for many reasons.

in other news, i've realized that i'm failing all of my classes. literally failing. i let things slide for the first 4-8 weeks of school...and now i'm paying the price, a heavy heavy price. i should have been more focused and worked harder. well, i'm giving out an ultimatum...that's it. i disappear off the face of the earth until next semester. b/c i really will disappear off the face of this earth if my grades don't improve. and i am literally failing. i'm gonna die.

so here's the plan--i'm not doing ANYTHING w/ ANYONE unless it's studying or eating. and if i study w/ a person and my work does not get done to my satisfaction, then that's it...that person is off of my radar until i'm happy with my grades. tho i will eat w/ ppl meals need to be quick and cannot drag on.

i decided to pass/not pass a class & now it looks like it's the only class i might potentially be comfortable in and get a good grade in EVEN IF i slack off--which i have been doing so that i can concentrate on other subjects. as usual, the more i slack off, the better i do. where's the justice?

the other day i was in the kitchen talking w/ a housemate and he was discussing giving blood. i told him i can't (even if i weren't afraid of doing it) b/c i'm sick and they would most likely reject my blood b/c it would be cloudy. he was like..."what???" and i told him it's b/c of the antibodies my body is making, launching into a short explanation. he was like..."uh...nawww..."--turns around and asks another housemate, a guy. the guy repeats what i said--he had just walked into the kitchen and had not heard my explanation...Guy #1, Mr. nawww...is suddenly like..."oh, really!" wow, fancy him believing the other guy and not me when i said the freaking exact same thing. so. since i'm sick and easily annoyed and no longer tactful or subtle (a scary situation)...i called him on it. i was like..."so my answers are good enuff for you?" DO YOU KNOW WHAT HIS ANSWER WAS? apparently, b/c i'm an English/polisci potential double major he didn't think i knew what i'm talking about. but since the other guy is an MCB/philosophy double major he knows what he's talking about. fine. i can take that. no i can't b/c i'm freaking sick of the stereotype. it's my only semester not taking any math or science course and suddenly i'm lumped into this area of liberal arts DITZDOM and i absolutely despise it. why is it an automatic assumption that liberal arts majors are intellectually incapable of comprehending the most minor mathematical or scientific concept??? i don't assume that ppl who do math and science cannot read literature or poems and understand them. i think it's unforgiveable, stereotypically presumptuous and frankly DUMB.

i couldn't let it go.

i told this person in the kitchen that i would devote as much free time as i could to brushing up on such scientific/mathematical things i can...throughout my life...just to spite him. yes. i will.

btw, it's not that i don't like him. au contraire, he's a great guy. but when ppl think like this...it bugs the freaking hell out of me. did you notice?

i think i'm gonna start writing in this leather bound journal thing my housemates got me for my birthday. i've never been much of a journal person...just b/c i don't like writing. yes. i don't. it takes so long to write things out by hand. my hand hurts. and i can never quite accurately articulate my feelings. even here. of course, here i censure much of what i say. but since i have a lot more ranting i could do and a lot more genuine thoughts that i would like to reflect on, perhaps i will start writing as well. i think it would be good for me and relieving, in a way.

anyway, i have an english paper tomorrow that i desperately need to do well on. much like i desperately need to do well on everything else. i can't wait to leave the country. not b/c i wanna leave the country. but b/c i feel like i need a change of scene, new experiences, new ppl around me so that i can feel alive again. so i can feel right again about things. the only time i seem to really be genuinely happy is when i'm listening to music or walking around in the evening or dusk, by myself. i love being by myself. no need to be superficial or rather, watch other ppl pretend to be nice to you when you know they couldn't give a damn about you and are only keeping up appearances. it's just so tiring. i like losing myself in a book and a hot cup of tea, curled up on the couch with some music playing. all by myself. w/out worrying about phone calls/email/responsibilities...letting ppl down. that's all it amounts to anyway. letting ppl down. next year there won't be anyone to let down but myself. okay. i'll have to call my parents, but i won't mind doing that. mostly, it will be me experiencing things on my own. i can't wait. i just need to go somewhere. i need it like oxygen. and i'm oh so restless right now to be elsewhere.

i want to travel, to leave and live. i want to go to Israel. that's where i want to study. but of course, my parents don't want me to study there. they cite safety as a major concern. but you know what? that's where i'll feel most alive. i know it. and i know i'd love it. my two favorite contries, besides the United States, are Israel and China. they are both so beautiful and they have so much to offer.

it's not that i don't like Berkeley. it's great. so many experiences and so many opportunities that one can have here. it's just that, honestly, i never thought of it as much of a school. i've realized it's pretty good. but when i got in, i didn't think it was any better than a community college. academically...eh... and that was the only possible good thing in my eyes. but seriously. regent scholar? what kind of crap is that. honestly, i thought tons of ppl might get it. probably some stupid box you checked or something. some ppl i met made a big deal about it. but i was always just surprised. i mean, who the hell cares? where's the prestige, what's the big deal? as for the rest of Berkeley...after academics, which weren't so wonderful anyway (budget problems and screwed up professors)...everything else was far worse. the city's dirty, politically a mess, etc. sure there's lots of action here, lots of things happening. but you know, it's hard to force pride in an institution you've never really thought was that great. honestly, i have more respect for most other schools. when i tell ppl i feel badly about a particular grade they say..."well, it's Berkeley..." but you know what? i don't EVER feel that way. THAT really surprises me. i can't fathom ppl thinking the classes are hard, humbling. maybe i just don't get it. b/c i never thought and i still don't think the school is that great. THIS is what i think: the professors are all here for their own selfish reasons--primarily research, and they don't give a damn about undergrads. they teach classes b/c they are obligated to do so by the university. GSIs are the most anal beings on university grounds. like lecturers, many of them are overworked and are self-focused. they resent their undergrad students whom they have to babysit b/c of retarded requirements. lecturers of course are worse off, overworked and underpaid. what makes the systm as bad as it is is a web of bureaucracy that screws over hundreds of students probably a day. many cannot graduate on time b/c they can't get classes. unequal grading systms, screwed up curves, cheating, grade sabotage and thousands of students trying to work a most-likely corrupt system. THAT is UC Berkeley.

thank you thank you.