This morning I woke up, or actually, this afternoon I woke up...and could not, for a moment remember anything. Then it all came back with a huge wonderful crush.

Ah, the joy. I glanced at my cell, then stared at the ceiling, and thought to myself. I'll bet my life that there's no zero in front of the eight, for the date on the phone. I'll bet everything that it says 8/01/2004.

Sometimes I do these like this on quite a whim. Needless to say, I should have known from just that zero in front of the one, that:

a) I hadn't taken a hard enough look at the date, and
b) I was wrong.

When I was younger I read somewhere that you should never go to bed sad. That if you go to bed happy all the time then you'll lengthen the number of years you live. Everytime my parents yelled at me or something bad happened and I cried myself to sleep I would think about this article I read--and I would visualize the years disappearing. I still do that even though I've never gone back to corroborate the article's information with my memory. It's just that it makes too much sense.

This morning, lying in bed, my stomach so empty that I could feel my guts groaning for food...I thought. Damn, I'm going to die young.

But I already knew that.

In a way I think it's unfair for me to ever really truly be upset about things. After all, I have it much better off than other people...most people in the world.

I've been so hungry this weekend, every moment. But my relish for food soon disappears once I start eating...and I'll just stop and feel sick. I'm hungry right now.

Yesterday I tried going for a bike ride, but got really dizzy on my bike...that has never happened before. Biking used to be effortless, fun, easy...a joy. Yesterday I could barely push the pedals I felt so weak...and my stomach felt so empty. It really was painful. I got home covered in sweat. It was dripping off me and I had barely done a thing.

As for eating, the only thing I have here is Ramen and other soup, pasta, but no sauce or seasonings. All of which, even thinking about, makes me feel rather nauseous. I was considering getting on my bike and going over to this great tea place to eat something. Maybe the tea will soothe that nauseous feeling. But for some reason I think it will just make everything worse.

Oh well. I'll continue to waste away my life here, while my trillions of responsibilities go unfulfilled and life leaves me behind...

No comments: