I feel like I need to clear my mind. I've been in a rather pensive mood lately...and while I'm comforted by social situations, they also make me feel very ill at ease...

Sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball on my bed and stay like that for days and days at a time. Until everything is better. Until I feel better, whole and complete. But when will that be? Perhaps never. And, I suppose I should be satisfied with what I have, because if I don't appreciate all that I have...then how will I ever find happiness?


How is it so easy for so many people to claim they are happy, to say they are happy. Is being alive a good enough reason to be happy? I'm not so sure. It's not that I take life for granted. I am in awe of life...but also at odds with it. I don't know if it's enough to just sit back and say that one must appreciate things as they are, what you have...I must hope for more, for my very own sanity. And yet, hoping for more seems to undercut the grandeur of life itself, and the current moment. Where's the middle ground?

There's so many things I thought I new before...many many things that I thought were true, certain things I was sure of, things that I believed could not change or be different.

Now I just don't know what to think anymore. I was wrong. Very very wrong about things, many things, certain things, important things...

It's amazing the kind of insight restrospect gives you, even more interesting the kind of insight distance gives you. I have learned a lot already this past year...and I'm sure I will learn so much more. It's hard to make sweeping resolutions, perhaps it's because I'm not strong enough. I know it's because I'm not strong enough.

But, I wish I could.

Sometimes I feel so torn, just within my own mind...torn between laughter and tears, frustration, anger, happiness...all these emotions that are fighting to manifest themselves as my current emotion. Instead, I'm increasingly becoming a melange of all these things...unreadable. Perhaps that's the ultimate poker-face. I sure have started cultivating one.

No comments: