Okay, here's the truth...

I've been avoiding you, ol' blog. Yes, I have. And I am ashamed.

You know when there's so much going on in your life, when things are going so fast, that it's hard to slow down and reflect, and even harder to spurt out those number of sequenced events that go you to wear you are. There's epics for ever subject you can thing of...or so it seems when I am just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and lazy.

I have so wanted to be entirely truthful with you, to just pour out my heart to these empty html pages...

I guess I will start current and ignore any listings I may have previously done. If it's spoken about, it's spoken about.

Pretty much I've lived the definition of bi-polarity in these last couple weeks. My sleep schedule will never regain normalcy...exercising becomes a somewhat fanatic obsession for a series of days, and then disappears into obscurity...I have no work...then SO much work it's crazy. I feel pressured and become a workaholic...then very lazy and do nothing.

Okay, always lazy.

Over the last month or so I went travelling through Eastern Europe, my most "worthy" experiences were in Poland, by far. Though I enjoyed the museums (and city) in Vienna--where I discovered another artist, which will make two, that I love: Egon Schiele and Vincent Van Gogh. With good reason too...but alas, that is for another blog post. If anyone even cares.

While travelling I met a lot of very interesting people, and I cannot wait to leave again, on my own, to meet even more people, and take advantage of meeting them...
prelude to sex. wink, wink...just kidding.

When I got back into Paris two Berkeley friends had just arrived, Raquel and Roxanne, who were the most awesome guests anyone could wish for. Seriously, it was like Christmas...they were so giving...and have left me with (among other things) a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka and Bacardi (ah yes, my childhood drink!).

Unfortunately, as my luck would have it, I was sick for the first four days back (courtesy of...? hmmm), and so didn't get to really hang out with them--which sucked.

After they left for more travels was when all the hubbub started here. Literally non stop outings and partying, with exams during the day (or lazy nothingness...or obsessive exercising...). One thing that's still really bugging me is my damn ankle...how long does it take to heal?! Enough already, I say! It's been more than two months! Stop hurting!

David got in from Berkeley and I went out to eat with him and some of his friends. When they dropped me off near my house, I heard this very familiar sounding voice/accent nearby...it was two Australians (one guy, one girl--not dating, around my age) that I had met when I was travelling through Vienna a couple weeks ago--we had stayed at the same hostel. They were with two random French guys who were showing them around that they had randomly bumped into...They all invited me to go with them to a bar that they French guys were taking them to, to meet with some of the French guys' other friends. So, I went.

We got there and saw a buncha Frenchies (duh) inside...however, one of them seemed familiar...ah yes! he remembered me...he was the cousin of this French girl I had met in Bordeaux a buncha months ago, who I had gone to the theater with a couple months ago...and he had been there too, since they're cousins. Apparently, he was one of the best-friends of one of the French guys.

No...I don't stalk people...(though everyone was giving me strange looks b/c of all this happenstance)...

The next night I went out with the Australians and we somehow stumbled upon a raging salsa club...it was really kewl. We danced and danced (and had no clue what we were doing...). I got to dance with the Aussie...who was very good looking and very sweet.

Then we went to get a last nightcap and call it a night.

A couple days later I went to get coffee with the French guy (one of those touring the others around)...then he invited me (a few days later) to his surprise bday party. Apparently his friend had screwed up with the email invitation and ended up sending it to the surprisee...oops!

Because a lot of Americans are going home (and it seems like all of Berkeley is being shipped to Paris, or at least abroad)...there have been a lot of parties recently...

Anyway, I go to this French guy's bday party, and there I meet this other guy who is quite charming, very tall and good looking. Though I worry a little that he seems like a player. I decide I shouldn't bias myself just b/c he happens to be good looking (yeah right). Anyway, he has to go say by to some friends leaving the party, but he tells me not to leave b/c he wants to come back and talk to me. Well, after he leaves, I look at my watch and I see that I must get going...or I'll miss my metro (which closes ridiculously early, the metro in general, that is)...so I leave, tell Ruben (the guy who invited me) thanks and sorry I have to leave, to tell Cyril (the guy who may be a player) that I'm sorry I left without saying bye.

Ruben, who had just been in the middle of telling me how he was thinking about something I had said, when I ran passed him, gives me a look and snarkily says..."why...do u want me to give him ur #?"...

"No..." I said. "Just tell him I said bye."

And that was that.

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed. I was somewhat interested in Cyril..and he was fun to talk to...but, I thought...oh well. If it's meant to happen, it's meant to happen. (And attitude that can get you killed, and miss many an opportunity...!)

Anyway, the next day Ruben calls to ask if he could join me swimming. Then he tells me that when he got back to the party Cyril had gone up to him and asked for my #...that Ruben had said "no" (Doh!)...but then Cyril kept asking, so he gave it to him...

I was very happy and excited. Though a little uneasy with the whole wondering if someone will call thing. A situation I do not like.

Well, Cyril calls that night, all apologetic about "bothering me"...and the next and the next...in an attempt to do something with me. I was somewhat weary about the last minute, "booty-call"ish type of calls...and I was busy, so we didn't do nething until he caught me while I was outside (finally doing les soldes)...and met me after work. Him in his suit, me in my jeans and tee. Wonderful.

We went for a drink, talked and talked and talked.

One of the things that initially attracted me to him was the fact that he corrected my French...not too much, not too little...perfectly, and very seriously too.

Then we went for dinner. He was a perfect gentleman. We talked about everything. He was extraordinarily attentive...down to my every facial gesture...I mentioned work and he was prepared to jump up and have us leave if I had work to do. I made a small face, and he asked if I was bothered by something he was doing...

I should have listened to my sixth sense...that darned intuition.

In retrospect, there were some odd moments.

Odd moment #1, at the bar:

1) I'm explaining "high-maintenance girls" vs. "low-maintenance girls"...so to speak. He asks me which I am. I say I'm "not high-maintenace"...most ppl don't say they're "low-maintenance"...but, I say, if you have to call it that...then that's what it is. And he's like...but watch out, 'cuz you don't want to confuse it with "easy"...and I'm like..."uh...no"...."I'm quite difficult." He gives me the oddest look...

2) During dinner he suggests the hypothesis where a guy friend of mine on a business trip works the Thailand sex trade and does things with young girls...asking how I would feel.

I tell him those people would never even be my friends in the first place.

He gives me another odd look...has he partaken...?

3) I tell him about how some people use alcohol to rape women...it's a long conversation, but that's the gist of it...and I say how some guys in the U.S. (prob everywhere) use it to make women more vulnerable and have sex with them. He gives me a look of disbelief...and then says...

"Why not just flowers. They can easily do the trick!"

Shady?

I think so.

Anyway, after the dinner, I was still enchanted with him (ah...stupid me)...

We're walking to the metro...and he asks me if I have a boyfriend.

I give him a weird look. Why on earth would I be out with him if I had a boyfriend. But I answer him anyway: no, I don't.

Then I ask him..."And you...?" Fully expecting the prompter response to come out...

So of course I'm surprised when he says "yes"...

After already having kissed me on the cheek!

I stare at him...and say...maybe I misunderstood...English please! Nope, I understood alright. He had a girlfriend, has a girlfriend.

And...then...he tried kissing me. Repeatedly. And I of course turned away..."You have a G-I-R-L F-R-I-E-N-D!"

He never did quite get the point. Said he wanted to see me again. I told him I felt badly for his poor poor girlfriend.

Then we parted ways.

Here's the bad part...I still kinda am interested.

However, when he called the next day I was cold as ice, completely different...he was unnerved. The thing is, I didn't do it on purpose...I just ended up being like that. Couldn't help it. I guess I should have known he was a shady player...But damn, the word for girlfriend/boyfriend is so hard to distinguish in French, it's basically personalizing friend, and the way someone says it...that gives it away. So if you say, "some friends"...it's kewl..."a friend"...also kewl..."my friend" though...can be boyfriend/girlfriend...then it depends on the way in which it was said. Grrrr...

Ah, so many guys must totally work that.

Oh yes, now for the whipped cream on the cake...I found out that he was the oldest of the guys at the party (leave it to me to snag someone like that...I thought everyone was no more than 25!)...

He's 29 years old!

He's a Catholic!

He does business consulting.

Bastard.

Which now gives me a perfect segue onto another topic.

Guess!

Ah yes, of course...Patrick.

Well...I no longer get that butterfly-ey feeling in my stomach when I see an email from him...

How do I know this?

Because he emailed me.

Let us (over)analyze together:

I miss you.

Been sick. And sleep deprived.

Saw your text msg link...looked into it...they
basically spam. Otherwise, would have signed up.

I miss you...it's all a bit sad.

Hope France is becoming home...or at least fun.

Love,
Patrick

That's what he sent me today. As a reply to an OLD OLD email I had sent him. Which leaves me to wonder. Was he just too lazy to type in my address...? Or, was he reading over an old email of mine...

I guess we'll never know. Another one of those...unsolved mysteries.

Here's the thing. I could have told you what would be in this email before even seeing it. At least the part about being "sick and sleep deprived"...he's been that for more than six months. I have to stop breathing when I read those words so the vomit doesn't rise into my mouth...somehow it just rings of...excuse....

Which brings me to another thing...if he misses me so much, why doesn't he call? He knows he can reach me with the drop of a dime. In fact...much less than that...three pennies, per minute.

I'm also wondering why I get the email now. He has emailed thrice before post-break up. Once in response to my "i'm sorry"...(stupid me)...

Another during break, like the day before Christmas...telling me he hopes I'm enjoying France and a Happy Channukah...(the way I HATE it spelled)...

I was neither in France, nor was it Hannukah.

Then another New Year's Eve...telling me I "fit the bill" and attaching a link to some scholarship "leadership" application, and wishing me a Happy New Year.

I hadn't responded to any of those...and had actually been quite proud of my radio silence capabilities. Granted, during part of Winter Break, so he could have thought that I was just out of town...when, in reality, I felt each and every damn freaking day...but that's beside the point.

I started calling again a couple days ago. Just twice really. But, it bugged the hell out of me...he's unreachable...he hasn't answered his phone since July...which begs the question. HOW?...

Unless, he's ignoring all numbers he doesn't know. Which he has done in the past. I know this.

I have figured out why I am so obsessing over all this...despite the fact that I cared greatly for him. (notice: past tense)...It's because none of it makes sense...or meshes with things...unless I am willing to admit he's a bowl of crap, liar...and hypocrite. That's a bit hard, considering many things...including our history, etc...He is one of the only people at UPenn who have their email/phone# listed as PRIVATE...why?

I know this is egocentric of me. But, hey, I function in a sollypsistic world...at least when I'm pissed and hurt.

I think he's stringing me along, emailing a little sometimes...just to keep me hanging...

What gets me pissed is also the fact that he knows exactly where I am...to the address for the next year and a half. Whereas, I have no clue about nething for him. He's completely fresh...started all over. I mean, if he just changes his cell # and email...it's nearly impossible for me to find him at all...it'll be the last cut between us really...

I wonder what he's waiting for. I also wonder if he emailed me that thing (the text spam crap being another excuse b/c if he wanted to keep in contact with me...spam wouldn't matter)...because he thinks I've started calling again...and it's to reel me in more.

Perhaps I'm paranoid.

--------

Today I had lunch with a future co-worker. The company payed for the meal...and man, was it heavenly.

Although things were a bit rocky with the phone call the previous day.

I called the guy up and we were talking a little...he was writing a story on international markets, specifically the dollar (ah, very interesting!)...so we got into a rather good discussion about it...and he mentioned economists believe the rising dollar may be part of a temporary bull market rally...and I said..."hopefully"...



"hopefully? you're getting paid in dollars...right? hopefully? you want a temporary bull market rally?"

at which point, I knew things had gone dreadfully wrong.

I stumblingly reply...

"Um, yeah...a bull market rally is a bull market rally, after all..."

"I think you want a sustained bull market rally..."

"Well, a bull market rally is better than no bull market rally, right? Plus...the way the dollar was less than a couple weeks ago, at 1.35...it needs all the help it can get..."

weasle, weasle...weasled my way out of that one...thank G-d for semantics and all that...now for change of subject

"frankly, I've always thought the dollar would start dropping right after I left France back home for the States"



"Don't we all..."

And that was the end of that episode. Damn that was close. I haven't had a chance to review any of that jargon...and I have exams and crap...but no business/finance/econ classes...so...no time and never dealing with that sort of info. How was I supposed to know he'd be testing me?! After that I started wondering if I should study for the lunch meeting...luckily, we never got into the financial nitty gritty talk.

--------

Tomorrow I go out to dinner with a professor...finally Iranian food!

I have a final paper due Monday...and then leave for more travels. Thank ye G-d!

I've realized that I cannot shop for myself...which is quite sad...but I really cannot.

I've philosophized French men to the point that I realize their chivalry is merely a prelude to sex whereas American men's chivalry is a hypocritical mixture of brainwashing and repressed sexual desires...

I've realized that gay people are oddly interested in me...and it makes me quite uncomfortable. WHY?! Do I give off gay vibes?!?!? Do I?!?!

Gaaaaaaahhh...

Furthermore...do I give off OLD MEN vibes?! Why do I always get old guys? What is wrong with me?!

To finish this hodge podge...Patrick owes me $485.

The end. (Anyone who finished this whole entry gets a cookie...just find me here in Paris...!)

I'm beat.