Sometimes you just want to block out all the bad stuff. You don't want to hear it anymore because it hurts too much. But you have to...you can't ignore it, you can't forget about it, you can't avoid it. Because then you would be acting selfish...because this world isn't only about you sometimes, but also about other people, about people you care about--about showing them you care, helping them deal with things, their feelings, the horrid reality of life.

My mother is going back home today. At 5 p.m. For one hour. One hour. To unpack and then repack. I want to tell my dad to leave so that he's not there when she gets back. But what's the use. She would probably prefer that. But then, should he stick around and suffer, watch his wife shuttle in and out and elsewhere, only to prevent her from that enjoyment? It is all very sick...and even though I may say cynical things about her, it hurts more that I must say them. My only solace? Supposedly one can better criticize, or rather, should and can more truthfully criticize the ones you love...

Even though a lot of small things are going better for me...I cannot help but lose all enjoyment and happiness about things in my life after reflecting on such as the above. It makes me want to ignore it all, to live a decadent life of self-absorbtion and not care about other peoples' problems. To enjoy the small things finally going right in my life again...the big realizations that have come to mind and made things okay, the perspective that I have gained from what is going on at home, from the advice I dished out to my dad...I'm learning to take my advice. I know that moments of pain and sadness are what make those moments of joy and happiness even greater. But I would prefer the spoiled brat's version of things where there is only joy, joy and more joy...and some selfish hedonism on the side.

But then that would be acting like my mother. So never mind.

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