I shall entitle this post:

So really, what's wrong with German guy?

Lately it's seem to become the theme of my days. I mean, what really is wrong with him...why do I seem to be avoiding him for any and all other possibilities. Is it really because I'm scared of the relationship? Or is it because I just don't think he's right for me and it would be cruel and inhuman to actually make him think I'm interested when I'm not? Or...do I really not know whether I'm truly interested?

I think it's some sorta mixture of all three. Maybe not an exactly equal three-part mixture though.

Here's the status on German guy:

I think he thinks he's my "boyfriend." Every American girl here has been telling me that once you kiss a European guy...you're "theirs." Well, he's certainly been acting like that, at least in front of my friends and all interested parties...which makes me wonder if it's not more of a "territory," "property" thing at the moment, and less a general relationship thing. Anyway, those are my thoughts on that. He's a very openly affectionate guy...and I'm not really into much public displays of affection. I feel like I'm kind of selling out on myself if I do partake of it...I mean, I can't turn my back on the disgust I used to feel as I watched couples say goodbye in the metro...How can I become one of those couples? Blech.

Yesterday German guy told me to "bite" him. I was hoping it was merely a language barrier thing that was preventing me from understanding his true "wants and needs." (By the way, this was said to me in a normal tone of voice in the middle of a crowded restaurant, from across the table...you sick fools.) Anyway, he was actually referring to the recent conversation we'd had together where I had told him I was "turning into a vampire" due to my sleep schedule. Apparently, he would like to be immortal with me...Did I mention he has some very interesting ideas and thoughts?

After hanging out with him that day I was depressively sad...I got home to a long email from him. The poor guy types quite slowly, especially in English, and he stops by the net cafe each day to send me emails...and this email was really long. I feel badly for his wallet cuz it costs about $4 for half an hour of net usage.

Anyway, in his email he was the most compassionate, sympathetic soul ever. His subject line was: "I wanted to write my thoughts on that phonecall down. I keep thinking about it, because u looked really sad."

His email (I bolded the lines that really resonated with me):

"Hey Tami

I feel bad for u. I hope the whole story with ur friend is not growing on u too bad. I so wish I could come up with a solution regarding the kind of global scale conflict we are talking about, but I know none of us can. Everybody involved is unhappy, angry, disillusioned, sad. I think it is but a sad story, and it should be looked at but as such. If someone claims it was about being right versus being wrong and tells u to be wrong, he is probably doing that in order not to face what this conflict is all about: real life people and many many tears on all sides. It's all very easy when u regard it as a legal matter - u read the history books and decide what league of authors arguments u perceive as more convincing. Then u establish a positon and try to prove everybody else wrong while secretly learning from ur opponents' points of view. Time will tell. If it's a conflict about art or ancient roman politics nobody is being hurt...I think everybody talking about this conflict should be aware, that it is really about people, peoples and identity. Maybe ur friend belives u could seperate the technical from the emotional. But i sent the term technical an insult to those who let their lifes as such. I believe thoses guys arguing about the israel-palestine conflict on TV should do it in tears. They should actually sob and cry while they present their viewpoint and arguments. If that is not a crying matter-what is? I really belive politic schould be made out of a state of emotional vunaribility and shock. Saying u know whose fault it is is already a judgement. If u are serious about doing something for the better u must be overwelmed by the task. All that bullshit about being the victim and nothing but the victim - that's sad. .... Have u heard about Oedipus the greek ? He killed his father and took his mother as his wife. He did not know who they were at the time and he had good reason to kill his father. But when he found out he felt so guilty, that he cut his eyes out. What would those politicions do if they found out they were wrong after all. Would they blame it on misinformaton and simply say: we did not know better! Would they go back to feeling self-righteous? Everybody who talks black and white on an issue like that better be aware what is at jeopardy. The truth or people - what do u care more about? Maybe ur friend isnt emotionally capable of handling this. Defending an idea can be easy - admitting that u dont know the answer to peoples' needs may be challenging."

This is the way this guy talks. He is such a sensitive, understanding and compassionate person...I feel like I can really express all my thoughts to him without any judgment, and I love this. I mean he's an amazing person.

He is also really really interested in Islam, the Koran and Muslims in general. He has been reading up on it for the last five years. He was just in Morroco, has been there before, has tons of Muslim friends...even "converted"--well, he read the "magic formula" as he put it, but as a joke, apparently. But anyway, as such, and as a German (har har)...and a person who's pretty anti-American...he can get past this and be interested in a Jewish American girl. I mean, that should speak volumes shouldn't it? I mean, it's certainly better than the situation with "the one that seemed a lovely idea..." ;).

A couple days ago, the day after I told him I wasn't planning on having sex until after marriage, German guy sent me an email that said:

"I am really glad to have found u...I think u are a wounderful person- and I am not worried about the way u decided to handle ur sexuality at all. Thats part of who u are, and I like u!"

So...back to the inital/title question of this post. Really, what is wrong with him? What is wrong with me?! Maybe it's too soon...maybe I'm living in some fantasy world...maybe I'm emotionally unavailable...maybe I don't know what I want...maybe maybe maybe. The one thing I really feel lacking that I can pinpoint is our inability, physically, to have conversations--he has a German phone, I a French phone...even texting back and forth has been a monetary burden. Another thing: he doesn't make me laugh. Okay, I know I'm comparing him with Jack on that one. But with Jack...we could talk about anything, easily, and he could really make me laugh. I have an odd sense of humor, not many people can do that. But, that ability to make me laugh really sparked off our relationship. With German guy, the spark just doesn't seem to be there...

Though I would like to know where we "stand," relationship-wise. I'm also kind of afraid of labeling it...and thus really getting into it. The other day he asked me what kind of "car" he was, knowing I compare relationships to cars. I told him that I like Jaguars at the moment, so he can be a Jaguar...Then he asked me if that meant I would keep him. I told him I don't normally throw cars out. They're too damn expensive. Then I changed the subject.

So we've avoided that talk so far, and I think I'll just let him bring it up one day. My only worry I guess is that I'd end up hurting him by assuming a lesser relationship than what he has in mind...which I'm beginning to feel is a lot more than I'm ready for.

The other day he was over...and we were trying to take a nap. My damn computer was making too much noise...and I exclaimed frustratedly..."Damn computer! Doesn't shut up!"

German guy just stared at me and started shaking his head...softly repeating..."and that's how different we are....how different we are..."

"What?" I asked, still somewhat exasperated by my loud computer.

"Here I was, having a romantic moment, thinking...'I can feel ****'s heartbeat!...', and you were thinking about your computer..."

"Uh...hmm...Awww shuddup," I said. *Shutting him up* ;)

Anyway, a couple days ago I got an email from Jack, right before he leaves for his South America trip, with an attached song and a message, "I have always felt this way" (or something like that).

Because I'm a superstitious person, and I don't like to leave things on bad notes...I actually sent him a message back this time, texting him: "Have a safe trip."

Yeah, I "slipped," figuratively speaking.

Today I got an email back--

Subject: "Be in Southern Hemisphere"...Email contents: "but heart in the North (somewhere around Paris).

P.S. I'll try to have a safe trip, but I think that is
up to the pilot. :)

Love,
Jack."

The email left me somewhat happy, sad...and also cynical. Hmph, he probably sells such lines to everyone. Plus, if he still cannot admit he has done wrong...if there's no sorry...then everything is really screwed. Forever.

Now, imagine my life without email or the Internet. There goes my social life, huh?