It's funny how I need music playing before I can really get the fluids going to put a post down these days. Chalk it up to that motivation thing that disappeared along with my camera. Damn. I was gonna try not mentioning it.

Recently I've been contemplating human hypocrisy a heck of a lot. I know, sounds pretentious doesn't it? I'm not saying I'm innocent...however, there are so many people who easily figure much higher on the hypocrisy scale if you know what I mean. Exhibit A: my mother. Exhibit B: my best friend. Exhibit C: my ex-boyfriend.

It seems like everybody's doing it these days. I mean, it also expands quite further...to those religious Jews who look down on others just because they feel like they do more. When in actuality, it really does not matter in Judaism who does more or less...everyone is still the same. That is one of the basic tenets.

Anyway, I'm just sick of it all. Lacking in motivation. Dispirited.

I can't understand how some people in this world can be so evil to others. Perhaps evil is too strong a word...selfish, uncaring, irresponsible. In the end though, repeated over and over again. It's just plain evil.

A woman who buys hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of lingerie on a shared bank account with her husband...in order to wear that lingerie for another man. Evil.

A friend who constantly criticizes, beats down and manipulates others...is no friend at all. Evil.

A man who says one thing and does another, who claims humility but fosters egotism, who invents one lie after another, who ignores those in need for self-righteous and false reasons. Evil.

Those are small evils though. Evils I've heard of or had to deal with. And yes, I am lucky that I have not had to deal with true evil in this world. Things that make the word evil sound like a euphemism. Things that go on in other countries...

But you know? For me...this is enough.

I was speaking with a friend of mine here and she told me that sometimes I seem so strong and independent. But other times so vulnerable and naive.

I suppose that is why I have always told people I am a cynical idealist. I so want to believe in the good of the world, and of people...sometimes I fall into it, by accident. But, I now know better...for the most part.

I once had this friend in middle school who would always get upset at me for being so optimistic. Back then I was much more of a dreamer than I am now...Day after day she would tell me to stop being so optimistic, to be more pessimistic. Eventually, she got to me. And as in most things...the student becomes the master. I soon beat her at her own pessimism. (Which is why today a lot of people will also tell me I am way too pessimistic or cynical--depends on what day you catch me.)...Anyway, this friend went off to college, joined a sorority eventually...and now is a superficial optimistic fool with the rest of her "sisters."

I think she acts that way to really hide the pain inside...because she's truly dependent on others and their opinions of her for self-acceptance.

Little things happen all the time that really bother me, or really hurt me. But I don't mention them much. For example, these two friends who I have known for a very long time are both in Paris here with me. At first I hung out with one, and when the other arrived, we all hung out together once. Soon enough they joined up...and I was left in the wings. They go out, eat out, road trips...whatever. Never a single thought to me. Worst part? I learned all of this from their stupid AIM away messages. Great huh?

Well, it's a little harsh to say that I am never thought of by them. Whenever one of them has a paper idea she is trying to think of she will contact me...or if she wants some arguments to back the idea up...then I'll also get a mssg from her. What an arrangement, huh?

I don't really understand why I am always the one to get left out. I suppose it goes back to the fact that I never really thought I was one to have a best friend or that sort of thing...I mean, I was friends with lots of people, lots of different people...sort of an accepted bridge between different groups. I could easily be seen as either very popular...or very much a loner. Depends on your perspective. What's worse...I could feel the two as well. Not good for you bi-polars out there. Just heightens that up and down sensation.

Anyway, I've just realized...getting back to my little fifth grade hypothesis...that you can't depend on anyone else. That you must depend on yourself, on you alone. That's the only person you can truly truly count on. I always know I'll be there. Or I won't--meaning I'll be dead. For others, it's not so black and white. And so I dedicate this blog to one of my new resolutions...to trying to stay strong for myself, mentally and emotionally...to being my own best friend and support structure.

Ayn Rand would have loved that one, huh?