Sitting here with a beer, it's 12:28 a.m. in Brussels, my windows thrown wide open, lights bright in my room, "Boston" by Augustana playing on my laptop...meditative.

You know that feeling when you're walking outside, with your headphones on, maybe after being in a busy metro/bus, in some hot enclosed area...and you suddenly hit the streets? Late at night, no one really around and just music and the nice cool night breeze...

and it's just so damn cleansing.

but of what? what exactly do I need to be cleansed?

Ah today was an alright day by any standards. I mean, work is going well. I've been offered a job and given another semi-interest show, which is great for the morale...

I was invited to this bbq with some others here, but due to a lack of planning at the last moment, things never worked out. After waiting at a busy intersection for 30 minutes or so...you know how those things go. I decided to stop playing the fool and treat myself out to a nice night. I needed the time alone and the time to think, I suppose. Ever since...well, a long time, it's been nothing but touch and go...

The kebab place I stopped at was impeccable, the people there were really nice and they gave me free fries on the side plus a complimentary cup of tea after my meal, all for the nice round price of 3.50 euros.

A woman sitting across from me at another table asked me randomly if I was Chinese, and I stared at her dumbfoundedly, before replying. That doesn't happen often.

I found out she was Moroccan, and in the end she not only drew me a map of Morocco, explained the sites to visit, and gave me bargaining tips, but exchanged numbers with me and will try and set me up with friends in one city and her family in another.

Then it was time to catch "The Break Up." A movie that I was planning to see regardless of the critcism it's been getting. Apparently men can't understand why she stays with the guy so long, and women identify. Big surprise there.

Well anyway, the movie made me think about a lot of things, as I inevitably do anyway. The fact that my ipod seemed to be on a "Jack-fest" on the way back home didn't help either.

This entire week I've been unable to stop thinking about him. And, of course, at night I have anxious dreams about horrible situations with my former best friend.

Let's just say, I haven't been sleeping well.

I guess I'll give a brief recap of things...here...

A really nice guy I've known since I was last in Paris came to visit soon after I arrived. Though he's someone I could perhaps imagine being with, I was so emotionally unavailable for a real relationship when I met him and in the subsequent (last) year with everything going on with Jack...really prevented me from taking him seriously. I supose what really did it was the fact that he's so very far away that I would never be able to truly invest in something when I know I could never truly pursue it.

I felt utterly heartless ending our "nonrelationship," and though the night was pure torture for me, while I dry-eyed tried to comfort him...the fact is...I don't really like him that much. I suppose I just won't let myself.

A friend of mine mentioned this 1% rule. That one must give up that 1% of oneself...the last percent that is tied up in a former relationship. And that it takes a lot to actually give this up. But it can be the difference between successfully embarking on a new relationship...and, well, not. At all. This 1%...can be a mere matter of entertaining any thoughts of possibly getting back together with the other person, any "partner-ish" thoughts.

Of course, I'm talking about Jack here.

Against my better judgment I have called him twice--once before I left the States, and once more while here--asking how he did on his exam. I also emailed him, but received no reply.

In a way, I feel like I am at least due the courtesy of a reply saying "Please leave me alone" or something of that sort. But nothing...and I cannot get that 1% out of my system.

There is another guy I am really quite interested in. I've been speaking with him quite a while, emailing with him, and I honestly think we'd complement each other. I am pretty sure he is interested, but I hesitate to truly turn my full attention to things. Mostly because I feel so emotionally torn. I want to get over Jack, but I don't want to...I guess I'd like to know if he's moved on. If he has...all the better, and I suppose that will allow me to do so as well. I don't know why.

The thing is, I heard that girls, once they get over someone, they get over that person. Well, I don't know if that's true. But I do know that I've gotten over a couple people (2) in my life...and when it was over...it truly was over. Poof...in a way, I just no longer thought of them that way any longer, and it was impossible to bring that back. This same 1% friend of mine says if the spark is truly there, it can be rekindled. But I have my doubts...Can a spark be rekindled if the electricity, the very thing holding it together--openness, availability, whatever it is--is gone?

This new guy...I just don't know what to do. I wish things could just work out, passively, without me having to do anything. Maybe things do work out that way...in time...but I'm not a very patient person.

I walk down the street and see happy couples together and I do not begrudge them. I remember when Jack and I were similarly happy. Sometimes I am nostalgic...melancholy, a bit...I'll half-smile to myself while walking down the street, a memory playing in my head.

Then it's gone and I know that it's late, and I'm alone on this street...and if it weren't because of that, I'd walk forever. How ironic.

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