honestly, really...

Yes, I do have problems right now.

I think it's worth admitting there's a problem when alcohol seems like a much better escape than real life. Or, when you admire the relationships fictional television characters have, in comparison to your own.

Tomorrow I have a "date" of sorts, if it can even be typified as such. It's with a guy I have no real interest in, who I am sure is merely interested in a booty call of sorts, it's a random nothingness intended probably as a mere ego boost to myself and otherwise a tragic-comedic meeting of sorts on his part.

Yeap, I'm an idealist, can't you tell?

Anyway, I have less than two weeks before my next 1.5 years are determined.

I also have very few days until I need to finish up my taxes. Just to throw that in there.

I'm falling apart, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I'm doing my best. And the harder I work, the more screwed I feel. Or rather, am. Who am I fooling here? Reality is worth a lot more than mere rhetoric. I've been screwed, I am screwed. I let myself be screwed.

That's not the way, is it?

Sometimes, I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing in life, if I'm losing years off my life, working toward stress levels worthy of an ulcer, and sabotaging all signs of a social life, by doing what I do.

It's kind of like that line, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

It's been way too many fool me twices here.

I'm the jester in this court.


Anonymous said...

i don't usually leave a comment but i'm seeing a disturbing theme here and i'm worried

i'm not going to say something cliche and meaningless like you can always come to me or some shit like that since obviously you have this blog and your own methods of venting but i didn't want there to be 0 comments.

cp22 said...

Tami, call me more often. It's crunch time here, but I'm going to try harder to reach you over the phone more often.

This feeling you express, of perpetual tiredness and bad results even though you're trying your best (and I know you're trying your best simply because that's just the way you are)...I've felt it too. I feel it now, very often. I spent like 1/3 of this past weekend crying over a similar feeling.

But you know what? It's not going to be like this forever. I don't believe you're working in vain. I do think you need to be easier on yourself.

If all I wrote above are just cliches and served only to piss you off, well...sorry. I love you, Tami.

Meeshell said...

hahaha you mention alcohol so much that if I didn't know you and live with you for 16 years of my life...I would honestly think you are one....

hmm...we haven't hung out in a while...maybe you are. Are you alright? Acceptance is the first step to recovery....least you are on your way...

les yeux de la tete said...

anonymous--Thanks for not leaving me out in the cold. I appreciate it.

cp22--I knew I could respond with whatever sarcasms to this, to all these comments. But I truly do appreciate your support and comments. I know we all go through our rough patches. I guess it's frustrating to work your hardest and have things constantly go wrong. Oh well.

meeshell--Isn't it admitting it that's the first step to recovery? Regardless, you got it right the first time. I am not an alcoholic...(reverberates)...there you go.