I suppose I have found the sorrow in my life again to give me new reason to blog.

There was this guy I was dating, since the end of October, and though I told myself otherwise and tried to remain apart, I fell completely and totally in love with him. I contemplated his mentions of marriage and a future together. I discounted his faults. I really tried to support him and help him in all his endeavors. I gave him a key to my place. As a commitment phobe, I had really made the jump. And yet, something kept me from totally letting go of myself. Maybe it was that intuitive voice in the back of my head. The one you always try to discount, I guess, and later realize why you should have listened.

I went against my one family for him. I challenged my parents; allowed myself to ruin my relationship with my father; and ditched friendships. I indulged, I suppose. For about more than nine months I was in it. He was my boyfriend, my best friend. The man who supported me through thick and thin; he was there for me after my car wreck; he picked me up at the hospital; he told me he loved me...

And I told it to him back.

To him I confided my deepest secrets and wildest dreams; my hopes for the future; and my fears of the present.

My heart has never been so crushed. I have never felt so alone. I feel like vomiting, but there is nothing to come out. How does one vomit their soul? How does one vomit their heart? When it has been decimated and swallowed up whole, crushed to pieces with no reverence and for no reason at all.

He has a wife.

Not only that, but the entire basis of the last nine months, and the majority of its events, have been grounded in falsehood. And he knew me so well, and I told him everything, and he said he cared, and he said he loved me. And he took my money. And he stole my heart and has bashed it to death.

He doesn't have a brain tumor.

For weeks I have agonized over how to make him feel better; how to help; how to support; how to care. I can function, I can't work. I can hardly live right now.

My life is trn in shreds. Every single aspect of it has some reference to him. Every single aspect of it has some essence of him. Every single aspect of it now revolved around us together. That trip already paid for? Those tickets to the Hollywood Bowl? Another show months from now? Those happy plans of the future? Gone. Forever. In a torrent of piss and vomit and shit and blood.

Because that's what I feel like right now. I feel disembodied. I feel apart from life. I feel so betrayed. I feel...way too much.

And I don't now what to do. I just don't know what to do. I have never been so beyond hope, so much in despair. How could I allow this to happen? What did I do? What should I have done? I should have listened. I should have heeded the warning signs. Yet, I am so cautious in love anyway, I am so scared of being hurt...and I wonder why. And now I know.

He left. Before I even got home, he was gone. I got home to an empty apartment.