ever have one of those days...where you don't talk much. not b/c you don't have much to say. but, just b/c you say it all to yourself, in your head? ever have one of those days...where everything seems quite right, but something is quite wrong?

yeah, so i spent my hour in traffic home composing this blog entry. and, of course, it's not gonna come out the way i wanted to, it was just a jumble in my head anyway.

alors, today was my first, last day of work. it was interesting, it was supposed to be relieving, but actually, it was a little depressing. for many reasons. one) i really have no concrete plan of what to do w/ the rest of my time. and tho, that would normally thrill me, as a sort of summer-esque (wait, it is summer) break...perhaps i've outgrown/out-thought it... two) everything about my internship has been bitter/sweet, or rather, sad/happy, bad/good, annoying/great. three) i hate anything that puts me, by political correctness, or politeness, at the center of attention for any length of time, no matter how small. it's incredibly uncomfortable for me and the superficiality is almost nauseating. yes, i am nauseated.

anyway i finished the job. i did what i had to do, i gained a truckload of valuable experience, learned a lot, and now it's over. thank G-d. yet, leaving was a little difficult only b/c i wanted to sneak out and not have anyone care/notice (or actually...pretend to care/notice). it was sad, pathetic almost, b/c i was trying to wrap it up...did all my work. the great hs intern andrew was very nice, purposely scaring me in my cubicle (reminiscent of times when i freak out naturally...u have to be in on it to get it, i suppose, but it was nice...). i said goodbye to the editors. e-in-c larry had already left on vacation w/out so much as a word, tho he had sent a mssg out to ppl announcing my departure. good, bad? can't tell. i will email him and thank him for everything, after all, it's the polite, superficial thing to do, isn't it? well, anyway, i got all my stuff together and said goodbye to those who i had worked close or not so closely with at the paper. it was very odd and i just wanted it all to end.

poor naive, sincere andrew wondered why i just left, he was like...don't sneak out, something might go down. now, let me explain my office, they have cake for almost everyone anytime anything is happening. everyone, except for me. and trust me, i expected this, i never thought for one second that they would do something for me. i don't give myself illusions about things. this was obvious for many reasons: larry gone, no one truly cares--quite characteristic of my office, i was basically a professional labor horse or something of the sort (fine w/ me...tho they could be less obvious about it)...editor bob (pretentious LA Times old boy) and his cliquey boys club at the paper was great at making me feel completely ill at ease. what made me really upset was the fact that he made up an excuse. an excuse. why? to make me feel better? silly, shallow, stupid man. don't you know? i can tell. and so...he tells me to come back there when i'm in town later on so they can send me off w/ cake and such. joy to the world. like i really need their cake to make me happy with the place. the experience was enuff, truthfully. his comment was demeaning and dispiriting to the extremes. i say, to quote marie antoinette in a different context, "let them eat cake!"--they can do it for evil-cointern, he'll probably appreciate the superficial company anyway. anyway, being the confrontationalist that i am, especially when something bothers me, i gave him a piece of my mind, actually...i didn't...i shook his hand and politely vacated the premises. after i left, the supposed happiness i was supposed to feel was nothing other than...a vacuum of nothingness filled up w/ the dispirited reflection of my long bumper to bumper car ride home.

but hey...the day wasn't all bad. (and truthfully, it wasn't quite bad, it was just quite...i dunno, not so good) i treated myself out for a great lunch...and all the servers were really nice, they called me "sweetie" and stuff. i guess they felt bad for me sitting all alone...but i really enjoyed it.

the creepy guy who keeps giving me scary smiles was outside the parking structure this morning, it was a little frightening...he gave me another scary look.

one nice thing today was early this morning. i went to get sustenance for my mode of transport. while filling it up w/ the liquidy goodness that is gasoline...i did my usual extensive car window wash. when i was near finishing up...suddenly, this guy who was cleaning his windows and gassing up all the way across the way at another pump ran over to me and said..."here are some paper towels"--for a second i was completely shocked. i'm like...u don't work here, u're the guy w/ that kewl BMW across the way, hmm...why are you giving me paper towels? neway, it was really nice of him and i thanked him. and he kinda looked embarassed and was like..."i was getting some anyway"...it was a little random, actually, but hey, nice all the same.

yeah, well, that's it. finally. i was typing up this whole long thing and it all got erased when i was nearly done so i had to retype it. leave it to say, after quite a frustrating day this was definitely not my cup of tea. but i reacted in full fledged adult-like grace...i stared at my computer, expressed my rage at it...and then burst out crying for a couple seconds. mature, huh?

you know, things never quite go right for me. i suppose it's the curse and the joy of my life. (eh...yeah, joy.)

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