i always try to keep my personal life out of these entries. but i guess my personal life just recently has become a little too turbulent to not "talk" about...at least in some way. and since most ppl don't read this, it's all the more appropriate to piece my thoughts together in this empty-ish forum.

so, we decided to break early. after some immoral/stupid/immature actions on my part, patrick was his usual understanding self--we decided the break now is the best way to ensure a pleasant future.

but, i don't know why, perhaps it's because i automatically always try and push against the system...now that i'm not officially dating him (more on that later), i want to date him even more. i suppose that may happen to a lot of ppl. but i suppose i just took him for granted...assumed he would always be there for me. and he always is, always has been. and even tho i always have/do periodically remind myself about the importance of different ppl in my life, maybe i just don't realize things until they are gone. in any case, it's only been maybe two days, and i've done a lot of introspection--a little too much.

have you ever had so many thoughts shouting at you in your head that you just want to get away from yourself? i can't stand it sometimes.

the thing is, even though we're not officially dating, i can't get it through my block of a head that we're not. i don't think of things that way. i don't know if i can. b/c for me...there's not a huge difference in how i would act.

but, i'm also being really selfish here. b/c patrick needs to be able to move on and figure out that we're friends--so that it doesn't ruin our relationship. he's just so nice to date and talk to...it's crazy. but i guess i brought everything upon myself. it's just horrible how i dumped all this crap on everything at the last minute. i mean, why couldn't i introspect earlier? or why couldn't i just figure things out? why can't i figure things out...?

ach, just so confused. and i'm sure, for some, this is the vaguest entry ever. ever ever.

but really, my thoughts are driving me crazy. i'm dwelling & analyzing way to much. to obliviation.

i guess before i always just knew that i loved and cared for him....but, b/c of all of this, the way i hurt him, it makes me really understand or question or think about the way i feel.

it sux a lot b/c i know he cares a lot. and i just have to go & ruin everything. though we were gonna break in france, it would have been different. i would have had months, weeks, days, hours and minutes of his company to savor. and i would have made those memories last...the year. but now? who knows. i can't even remember our last good memories, i mean i can remember good memories, just not the last ones.

i mean, i know i'm the one who started all this and created this whole situation. but it's been really hard on me too. and sometimes i just grow so frustrated that when i'm speaking with patrick, tho we shouldn't be (more on that later), i'll just say something i don't mean at all...just b/c i can't take it. i'll put up some front or whatever. it's horrible. honestly tho, i just dream that everything is a-okay sometimes, and i know it's not. it's difficult. really hard to concentrate on work. sometimes i find myself reading old (recent) emails back to myself. i just do a voice over...it's easy to imagine him saying stuff. patrick's just really honest about how he feels and what he things. i think he's made me that way a bit, tho not so much...i'm a little too...non-talkative about that stuff. except for, i guess, right now.

anyway, i don't know exactly how all the logistics are gonna go right now, but as it stands we're not speaking at all for at least the next week, nor are we really emailing or imming much. patrick said he thinks it's best b/c that will give us time to adjust to feeling like we're just friends so that we can have a semi-normal relationship & heal and then maybe go out later again...but, the thing is...i really really really miss speaking with him. i feel somehow as if something is missing without it. and, it's not...as he likes to say...just a security blanket to be in a relationship with him, nono...i like patrick. but i have never felt it a necessity that i be in a relationship. maybe b/c relationships were never much of a viable option way back when, and they have just become one. which is perhaps another reason for all of this. anyway, i just hope everything doesn't get tainted b/c of me. i want to be able to go back to the way things once were...and i feel like there's a possibility that it might not. maybe, as patrick says, i'm only voicing my own fears...and overshadowing them onto him. but i just am so unsure about everything. it's all new and quite frightening. in a sixth sense, bad, bad, bad way.

and it's just so weird...i mean, a year ago, i would never have ever fathomed this could all happen-and every moment i have to hold myself back from emailing or calling him. and every moment i want to tell him, "yes, i can guarantee"...but i feel wrong saying it unless i am faced with the situation and know, right then, that i can guarantee. once i face it, i will know. once i realize it's not what i want at all, 100%. but...until then...i just analyze and imagine and think...and believe that i can, but am too scared to ensure anything, b/c a lot is on the line. a lot was on the line, and i totally ruined that...so i can't do it again.

i just miss him so much. it all just sucks. and it's all my fault.
i have a trillion more things to say, but i'll end this entry and just add it onto another i suppose...

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