Anytime I get any sort of feeling of general satisfaction with life here...a tiny feeling in the pit of my stomach springs up, a wave of introspection...and a newfound sense of self detestation. Why can't I be happy with life? I know it connects back to that former entry I wrote. But I just feel so sad sometimes, for really no reason whatsoever, it's a disappointed sadness, like I'm just wasting my time, wasting away, one huge waste. I don't want to look back on everything I did and feel like it was a waste.

I love the French verb manquer...you use it to say you miss something, but also to express a lack. Perhaps that's the same thing, it is for me. But, in English the two are more precisely separated into different words. Well, anyway, that's what I feel manquer, I feel that verb right after a flurry of activities, after I sit down in the peace and quiet of my room with my music on and no one else around me...manquer, the verb just surrounds me, enters me and completely takes me over.

(For you sick people, that was not meant to be a sexual metaphor...no double entendre intended.)

When it gets too quiet and I am able to think too much. It comes back, that feeling. Perhaps others know what it is...perhaps there's a more eloquent way of encapsulating it. But I cannot do that, I lack the words...only the image, a fog...does it partial justice. It's a feeling, a mixture...it makes you want to cry and yell out at the same time.

In the episode I watched yesterday, Carrie said something I could completely identify with--to paraphrase, she said: "I've had too much time to think." Is there such a thing? I answer with an overwhelming shout of "yes."

I've had a chance to analyze myself as well. But, of course.

This whole thing (vague is good, b/c I don't even know what I'm including in that denomination) has only aggravated my inability to make decisions...if that's possible. I usually dwell on decisions, testing out each possibility in my mind...

unless I spontaneously jump into one without another thought. yes, extremes...

however, I usually consult a number of random ppl, whoever I can, in order to piece together a final decision...unfortunately, French telecommunications and long distance prices being what they are, I need to make my own decisions here. That just doesn't happen.

And so, I sit in this state of manquer...inactivity being my sole activity. Oh yes, and work.

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