Back from Eastern Europe.

It's New Year's Eve. And I'm sick.

Of course.

This is the first year where I feel like I am desperately aching for the clock to strike midnight, for the new year to begin...so I can get on with it already.

I really want it to be next year. I ache for a better year.

Was this past year so crappy? In retrospect I had my moments...but I had far more hellish moments as well. Or, rather...all those good moments easily came tumbling down a couple months later, and quite plainly, now, amount to nothing.

A quick run-down of this past year:

Nearly drowned. Stuck in elevator on birthday. Drama drama drama...which includes a jaunty stomp-dance on my heart...the slow realization that the two people I viewed as closest to me...are not. in any way. especially now.

I read book reviews that say..."as comforting as that late night phone call to your best friend after a bad date"...and I think..."hmm...I don't know what that feels like"...and..."there's no one like that for me."

Life is sometimes depressing.

Raquel mentioned a truth that I had realized, but perhaps hadn't admitted or really believed until I heard it said right out...I am someone's best friend, but I have no best friend...not any longer, at least. Why do I persist in using that title for someone I cannot express myself to, for someone that doesn't make me feel better ever...someone I guard myself with? I don't know. Perhaps it's a certain nostalgia, perhaps it's because we've been friends for so long...if she's not...then I must admit the fact that I really don't have neone. Perhaps I just don't want to go through all that work again in building a relationship. I don't know if I'm up for it, you see.

There was a time way back when, when I was contented to be the bridge between groups of people, the sorta good friend for many people. You know, they have their best friend, then there's me...I'm easy going, I'm not high-maintenance in the friend world. I don't ask for much. Heck, I rarely ask for anything. And! I do favors! (no...not those...)

Okay, well, I wasn't content. I just pretended to be. That bothered me. But, I just forced myself to believe that I wasn't the type to have best friends, that I am not the type for such relationships. That the marriage magic will happen...somehow...but, as for the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing? Color me clueless. Maybe call it blind faith in the system. But, I had it. And truly, ignorance is bliss.

Now I am only filled with doubt, about most things in life. I can now envision myself with someone other than "he who shall not be named, at least for now." But, I cannot expunge his memory from my head, his name from my thoughts, or thoughts of him from my mind. If I try, I inevitably think of him more. And yet, there have been days when I didn't think of him once (until I realized that small fact and had to blow it)...

I am resolute about my resolution (hardy har har) to not call him and try not contacting him at all this next year. To start fresh. At least for the small comfort that if I do break my plan, I can always wittily tell him that I haven't contacted him since last year. or whatever.

There's more crap from last year, but I don't feel like blathering about it all right now. Suffice it to say that I need to take better care of myself. Scratch that. Take care of myself. Eat better, drink more water, work hard and play hard. Exercise--and enjoy it enough to get on a system...doing it for myself and my mental health. Be more dilligent about my responsibilities. Try things that are new and different (and good for you, as well as fun)...force myself into new social situations, network, save money...act extroverted even when I just want to crawl into my shell, go into my dark room and under the covers for the rest of the night. alone.

I had my German Cosmo horoscope for 2005 translated to me on the train ride back from Budapest into Paris...it says 2005 will be a very good year for me. That I have the promise of romance in February. That I shall have no worries (I just needa remember to balance my love of food and exercise...point taken!)...

I certainly hope it's true, because I cannot last another year like the last (especially last couple months).

So, here's to a better 2005. Here's to finding true love (or at least not gagging when I type that)...here's to actually enjoying life. A novel concept, I know.

Happy New Year everyone.