I am so horribly sad right now.

I just spoke with him.

He hung up on me. Yes, he hung up on me.

He wasn't even happy to speak to me. Not at all. Jaded sounding perhaps.

He told me, if I wanted to speak with him more...I would have to call him back in 45 minutes...so that it could be 9 p.m. there.

Previously he had tol dme he doesn't speak much to people these days...so then, what do 45 minutes have to do with anything...what would it matter to him, if he doesn't use it. He stuttered in his response, and said he has to go. There, he doesn't have to respond anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore...should I call him back...give up all self honor and pride, in 45 minutes...or should I not.

I think he's lying to me...saying other people are working there. I think he's lying to me. I don't think he wants to talk to me. Why do I continue to torture myself.

I wish I'd never met him. I wish I'd never begun to date him. I wish that our entire history together were entirely erased from my mind.

It's Shabbat there right now...he's not doing anything about it. It's obvious that he lied about conversion for himself...or he wouldn't be working at the current moment.

I have to reconcile myself to the fact that he is no longer the guy that I knew. My friend told me...it's like he died...he no longer exists...except in memory, in your imagination. But it hurts so. I hate it.

I spoke with him and spilled most of everything about what I was feeling...and then felt cheapened and like crap afterwards. I told him I had some questions...he said he wouldn't necessarily answer them...He has told me that he's had problems using Internet at I-House...but today I found out they have a computer lab there...so...he was lying. He was f*cking lying.

I just don't know what to say. I don't like the fact that his actions make me act crazy...that I would act crazy in general on his behalf...or anything.

I know I will end up calling him again...calling him at his 9 p.m...that he doesn't give a damn that it's nearly 3 a.m. for me...and will be passed 3 a.m. when I finally speak to him. I know he doesn't care anymore. Though he pretends...he's still leading me along on a string.

I spoke with him tonight...and he made some statement about "whether he was treated the same as he was before"...as if that's a condition.

B.S.

saying he shouldn't play the martyr anymore, as is his history...as if he's given up so much. it just makes me...so upset.

I wish someone were here...someone to understand.