We spoke last night. For about four hours.

All on my money, of course. (From about 3 a.m.-6 a.m. my time here...so he wouldn't have to pay...). But it's okay. At least we spoke. At least my tortured mind got some release.

But now.

I don't know.

I think I've been recaptured. (To put it more cruedly, as a girl did at my school...): re-f*cked with.

We discussed everything. I got stuff out of my system. But we were also (well, I was)...that close to ending it. I mean, ending it in the sense of never ever recontacting each other in any way...and erasing (if possible) the memory of our relationship from the books.

I threatened it. For some reason, he wasn't in agreement.

He did however express certain things...

1) That he still thinks he's never ever done anything wrong to me.
2) That there is no wrong in not disclosing something to me, however it is always wrong when I don't.
3) A girl saying she loves someone is equivalent (or less, rather) to a guy drawing on a girl's arm, in terms of crimes. And only one requires disclosure anyway.
4) I misled him by not telling him everything about myself from the beginning, so that he could run in the other direction. Instead, I let him wind himself in our relationship...so that it was too late when he found out.

There's more. But in any case, some of these things really hurt. A lot of them added to my case that "we're screwed...and have no future."

But, I don't know.

After getting all that out...we spoke like old times. It was so nice.

Although, in a way, it still felt like I was the only one trying anymore...or catering to what we had...because, he had to go...work again. Apparently he hasn't had a break since he started, at all...always sick, working and sleep deprived. He tried using some of my recent experiences against me to show how much more crap he has (makes you feel like anything you say can and will be used against you later)...I forgot to ask him whatever happened to his Winter Break.

Another thing...I found him often in many logical flaws...where he would accuse me of something. I would explain it in minute detail, clear any confusion...and instead of agreeing with the conclusion, would jump to somethign else...so that he could continue to accuse me. And, unlike other people, when I pointed out a flaw in his argument he just went silent...didn't say anything. Didn't respond to it...and then I would have to prompt him to talk at all...and so it never got responded to. He had no fear that I would end the conversation...He knew I would stay. All the unknown was on his side. But, I was the only one speaking any truth...and wouldn't answer anything, but got everything he wanted answered. When I wanted to call him back on his cell, it was 45 minutes to 9 p.m. there (free hour)...he said to wait until 9 p.m. He didn't seem to care that it was nearly 3 a.m. here. Or maybe he didn't think of it. In any case, he had previously told me that he rarely spoke to people on his cell phone. So I told him, since he does have a plan, why not use some meager 45 minutes of it now? I mean, I would. Especially if I "never" speak to anyone...

*cue his silence*

But anyway, I waited till 3 a.m. to speak with him. When we finished the last time...it was nearly midnight there...poor guy, and I apologized for keeping him up so late. He took my apology with grace, said it was okay...

I guess it slipped his mind that it was already 6 a.m. here in Paris. No apology from him. Per usual.