I am angry, hurt and yes...jealous. So much so that I shall risk security breaches and post what has been bothering me for a couple months now, but what I have dared not write about in public.

My best friend and her new (first) boyfriend.

A little history is in order here.

But first, a sum up of the current situation:

I am in Paris. She is in Berkeley.
She and her new boyfriend, according to her, spend a lot of time together.
Evidence: He hasn't gone home for several days (again, citing the friend).
Sometimes they have small arguments or problems.
If I can I speak with her on the phone or chat with her online, let her rant about her relationship, counsel her, give her advice...as objectively as I can.
I am very objective.

Now some history:

Every single one of my relationships have been broken-up or affected in an incredibly negative way by her. Her jealousy has mentally warped me to the point that even today I live in fear of mentioning the names of past boyfriends with her.
As a result she knows nothing about my dating/private life or any of the details of my former/recent romantic relationships.

Some ask, how is she your best friend?

To which I reply, and did reply in this blog...that I am much more her best friend now than she is my best friend. I suppose I was not meant for such things.

When I was in my first real long-term relationship, my dreams were to have a best-friend I could speak about my problems with, confide in...get counsel from...enjoy myself with (per usual). I wanted her to be friends with my boyfriend (I think like most friends do).

Admittedly, I got sucked up quite quickly into the relationship at first, devoting much too much time to JACK. But, her reaction was far from standard (and has never been, even with smaller quick short-term relationships)...

Throughout my relationship with JACK he was a sore spot...on both my 18th and 19th birthday (with different boys) there was drama from her that ruined my night and has marred my memories forever...

She would make accusations about these people that she didn't know, she would take my insecure confessions or questions of advice and use them against me, she would make me feel small, worthless, cruel, selfish and mean. Then she would paint it all on the person I was dating to provide me with an easy scapegoat if I wanted one, and to eventually try and ruin our relationship. I had learned enough from former things she had done to fight against such a thing happening with JACK...And as more and more drama unfolded I felt more and more distanced from our relationship as best friends. But, thhe worst part of it all is that her comments entered my subconscious. Because she was my best friend and I so respected her opinion, no matter what...I couldn't easily just dismiss what she said. After all, best friends are supposed to be looking out for your good. Looking out for you!

This reminds me of something I read somewhere. That if you really care about your relationship you shouldn't tell anyone about it because 90 percent of the people are happy when you're having problems...and the other 10 percent really just don't give a damn. Well, the saying is something like that. And how sadly true.

One example of her kind support during my recent breakup and relocation to Paris (solitary confinement) comes to mind--

JACK and I had not been talking, not because I wasn't talking to him, but rather because he was not talking to me, nor was he answering his phone (yes, I had sunk this low)...perhaps that shouldn't be past tense in the paranthetical...Anyway, speaking with said best friend about nothing in particular, often the best medicine to make oneself feel a little better, or at least not alone...she inquired as to whether I was speaking with JACK nowadays.

Uncomfortable silence.

"Not really...not for a while."

"Oh...well, I don't want you speaking to me just because you're not speaking to him. I have to go, bye."

And with that, my kind, supportive best friend left me alone (without the Internet) in Paris...just about a month after my arrival when I was still trying to make my way through the difficult trying to meet people, make my way around, survive and not be swallowed up by homesickness stage...

It was wonderful. hell.

Anyway, today I read her profile online after having enduring months of her coming online and chatting with me only to ask my advice about her "boy." While my own patient responses made me almost feel like vomiting over myself for my sick weakness in letting her do this to me. Torture me. But I couldn't act as she had...I just couldn't. Or could I.

Well, her profile was a doting list of things her beloved boyfriend has recently said. *vomit*...and example of the ridiculous langouring she has been able to do in her relationship in my absence.

She can ignore friends (she forgot to give me a call due to her guy), she can spend all her time with one person...but I cannot, I could not without getting into a 10-hour (I kid you not) argument in which she tried to destroy my relationship and my self-esteem...She somewhat succeeded too.

So, I couldn't resist the urge to IM her when I read that today...I know it's puerile and I know it's somewhat sinking to the same level. But I couldn't help the visceral urge to do it.

Me: i'm glad you can fully revel in the joys of your first relationship
Me: interesting profile.
her: huh
her: that profile has been up there for a WHILE
her: why did that sound sarcastic?
her: hello??
her: k...
her: gonna go eat

...with guess who?
Her away mssg: 35 minutes
His: 34 minutes.

Hypocrite.