One of my greatest fears is that I am starting to become numb, jaded, unfeeling and emotionally unavailable. Already.

I am so frightened of this, and yet find myself constantly pushing it along.

Why do I feel this way?

1) The "best friend"

As I told someone recently, we're having "marital issues"...though it's far worse than that. I no longer trust in our friendship, believe in our future as friends, nor do I long to have any sort of friendship together. The wonderful relationship we once had, which started seven years ago, has been brewed down into one nasty cup of dregs, and I'm not taking it anymore. The fact that I can finally let go of my one and only best friend ever, someone I thought I would forever remain friends with, someone I thought I could forever trust with my friendship, who was truly my friend--only to learn that this was not the case--and then to have this fact ingrained and pounded into my head every painful moment of the last six years has been difficult (an extreme understatement). Not speaking with her, no longer caring whether or not I will see her or whether or not we are friends...I wonder if I haven't lost a piece of my heart in the process.

2) The "EX-boyfriend"

Those of you who are friends of mine or read my site regularly are already well versed on this one. But, long story short, I haven't even contacted him again for the last couple weeks, and haven't felt the urge at all since. Since what? Well, once I realized his extreme self-involved self-obsessed--righteousness, and his inability to get around this, to the detriment of regular human emotions like compassion and sympathy or caring...I realized one thing. If he cannot be here (or there) to support me in my most difficult times, the only times I really really need him...then what's the point? What's more, if he cannot get over himself, then I need to get over him. He doesn't need that much attention. Ever since...I have felt a lot better. Even gagging once at the thought of calling him and contacting him--which, for me, often says quite a lot about my relationship with a person. However, even so, recently I did feel quite guilty about not contacting him to wish him a happy birthday. As I've said before, and I'll say it again...never date a guy with a holiday of any sort named after him...it's just pain and torture after you break up. In any case, my newfound ability to ignore this guy makes me wonder, yet again, if another piece of my heart has broken off and been buried somewhere.

3) My Mother

This one's the toughest of them all. I know I have been rather scornful and sarcastic about things in my recent posts. Talking to my dad tonight nearly made me burst into tears as he urged me to not ignore her. As he told me "she's alone...you should respond...you don't want to lose your mother"...and I argued back that "It's not about that, I had nothing to say, that's all."

But it is sort of about that.

Because, I don't know if I'd care. That whole portion of my heart, based on recent events, has been entirely numbed out. I don't know how to feel anymore because everything hurts so much, and everything is so tired of hurting. So I just ignore it. Am awed by my newfound ability to "move past" things...when I'm really most likely just digging myself deeper and deeper into one of those holes, and I'll come out of the anesthesia writhing in pain.

I miss my mom. But then, I don't know what to say to her, how to approach her, or anything. She knows I am sick, yet didn't ask me how I am feeling...I saw a movie today (can't remember which right now) and the mother was taking care of the kid...in some typical motherly moment, and I felt the numbness dissipate for a moment and leave only pain. Then it came back.

I want to feel again. And I am so frightened to feel...because sometimes it just hurts to much. And yet, I am even more scared of becoming this numbed monster who cannot ever feel again. Please tell me that's not what I've become...

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