Bastard Unveiled. Part 1: The end of an era...

So that's it. It's over. Jack and I. History.

And I have never been happier than at this moment--just got off the phone with him.

I guess I will quickly chronicle the most recent saga in this, now finally finished, chapter in my life:

About three days ago I came upon (don't ask how) some information (don't ask what) that basically let me in on the fact that Jack was a lying, cheating bastard. That at the end of our "whatever" he had lied about almost everything, was manipulating me...and basically stringing me along as a "backup." Maybe one day I will post about this in detail--however, this site still isn't secure (he has the address, but hasn't checked in a while)...so yeah...

Well, the general gist of it all was that he was seeing some girl. Not a problem, because we technically (tho possibly not) weren't together. However, let me elaborate. I got here to Paris in August, soon after I became horribly horribly homesick. A very new emotion for me. I had lived on my own before within the United States, without knowing a soul in town...but, in a foreign country...where I don't know anyone in the country, let alone the continent? It was too much. The culture shock snuck up on me...and then struck. Hard.

Jack knew this. Back then, we were still quite friendly. I was still dellusional. He was still messing with me. It was normal. Oh yes, and he was impossible to reach, utterly unavailable...on purpose.

So when I told him how much I needed him because I was really doing badly...he said, "well, what'd you expect?"...and then laughed at me.

I should have seen the signs. Or rather, I suppose I just ignored them.

After months of me basically begging him to speak with me, phone me, IM me, email me...whatever...I finally decide we are not on break. That's bogus. You see, I had always sworn to myself that I would never ever be one of those girls beside the phone. I used to watch television shows and scorn such girls. I guess I got my comeupance because he made me into one. What's worse, he would never pick up his phone, never call, nothing. From hours a day and text messages galore, emails abundle...to nothing. It was probably one of the harder things I've had to deal with (and yes, I consider myself lucky). When I finally spoke with him, I told him that we weren't on break any longer. That it was, quite obviously...and would be...a break. up.

Well, at first the burden lightened. Things were out in the open, clear...I felt like I'd made a step somewhere at least. It being my first real long-term relationship (one year, couple months)...I was new to the whole breakup business.

I tried to force myself to not call him...but it kept happening after the initial month of will power (I was also travelling. So, was properly occupied.)...Anyway, I was almost obsessed with the idea of trying to reach him...but when I would, he sounded unhappy to hear from me...would force me to talk at the early hours of the morning (time difference)...and then rebuke me for not letting him get work done, or get to sleep...with nary a thought to my own need for rest, the fact that I would have only a couple hours of sleep and had class in a couple hours (like it was 6 a.m....).

Each time we spoke it was self-flagellation for me, very demeaning. He would guilt trip me about our history together, casting doubts on our relationship, clouding memories...saying I was a pain, blah blah...it was quite hellish. But at the same time, I missed him. So I let myself be tortured.

Fast-forward (for those of you who know all the details, this is quite a lot of skipping, we can call it super fast forward!)...to a couple days ago when I found out that he was with this girl waaaay back in October (according to my sources), that he had been flying over to see her from Pennsylvania (she's in the Bay Area)...oh, did I mention that he owed me money and hadn't paid me back yet because he said he couldn't afford it? That he could barely eat, and definitely not buy a phone card to speak to me...

Yeah, so he flew to see her. Apparently called her and emailed with her frequently, IMmed her on another IM name (stupid me...during the summer, days before the whole drama started, I had given him multiple screen name, logging, invisibility blah blah capabilities)...while he was giving me all this crap. Before he had same all this stuff about me breaking his heart...and torturing me about how horrible I am...

What a liar. What a bastard.

Anyway, I emailed him for my money back, seriously, it's been about nine months...and it's about 20% of all the money I had...and now probably 50% of all the money I have...quite a big chunk of change. In the email I didn't, for the first time, end with "love"...I don't anymore. Well, he started trying to contact me afterward...you know, flyby IMs...then signing off, or whatever. Such a coward. I had finally lost all respect for him. I couldn't even believe I had given so much thought to him...when he was obviously...preoccupied.

Then tonight. He IMmed me that he wanted to ask me something...wanted to call me to speak to me. Suddenly, it seemed, he had time. How odd! I really didn't wanna speak to him, but I was also somewhat curious...Though everybody had told me to confront him with my newfound knowledge, a certain part of me just didn't care anymore. I also didn't wanna listen to any lame excuses or reverse manipulations. I wanted out. I wanted done. Finito.

So he called. Half an hour after he said he would. It was already 1:30 a.m. here...I had wanted to get to sleep early (no chance now...). Again, I thought, making me wait for his call. Anyway, he called on my cell, on a weird number. So I answered in my normal ebullient manner. Found out it was him. Was slightly stunned, and told him to call on my landline. Cheaper for him.

Finally, he called and we started speaking. It was great. I had been worried about the effect hearing his actual voice would have on me. It had none. I didn't care any more. For real.

So we start off the conversation...and I ask him what he wanted to speak to me about. He goes on with this long dragged out sentence about how he thinks about me a lot...blahblah...(meanwhile I am fixing up a small snack and cleaning a dish, something I wouldn't have been able to do a month ago, I would have had to focus my full attention on him)...Anyway, he goes on to say that he wanted to ask me this question...even tho I had been "mean" to him the last time we'd spoke.

I almost choked on the air in my throat. Whaaaa? So not what I expected, self-righteousness does not work for him. I thought my cold responses would have at least clued him into the fact that it wasn't the right moment.

And so, I laughed at him. Whatever.

And it was in that moment that I decided to confront him. To let him know I know.

"So, who's J?"...I asked, quite evenly if I do say so myself.

The stuttering ensued...

**Okay, I know this is evil. But I actually have to sleep right now. It's waaaay past my bedtime. But I will continue this tomorrow...ish.

No comments: