I feel really sick. Nauseous.

Today I checked my site and saw a google search for "veritas007 and I was never sure I loved Jack." And my stomach dropped.

Who else would search for that, other than, well of course--Jack.

So he's read my site. It was a risk I was taking this whole time, even though he said he wouldn't read it any longer. I should, and I suppose I did, know better.

He has read about TOWSLGIBW and German guy. Who knows what else. I shouldn't care. But I do.

We started chatting again a bit yesterday, he reappeared back on the Internet, and for all my attempts to "go Pharaoh" on him, it's been really difficult. Difficult as in repeatedly mentally rephrasing my initial thoughts and comments to him before letting them out onto his little AIM box. It means not emailing him back, but thinking about not doing it each and every single day. It means trying to act nonchalant when I'd just prefer to cut myself off from the pain and torture of it all and just bury myself in a deep, dark hole.

It means writing this post, knowing he may read it and subsequently ruin all my efforts at "Great Wall of China skin"...and feeling very very sick.

Someone get this vomitous feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I'd plead clemency, but I don't think I'll listen.