Jack called last night.

We spoke. For many many hours.

I finally realized where that spark I was looking for, all over the place, had been hiding.

It hadn't died out yet.

I thought I'd killed it. I tried really really hard.

And so, I go from hating someone to loving them, in a matter of a day, a phone conversation, a couple hours. (How stable am I...)

Well, at least this fits with my theory that the strongest of either emotion can only result from the experienced, personal knowledge of such a Manichaean difference. If personal experimentation and self-realization of such a theaory weren't masochistic, it would definitely be Schadenfreude.

And that's enough with the esoteric language. (I find that sentence ironic.)

Really, you see, I'm using it to avoid the increasing series of problems that arise from all this.

Last night I got about 1.5 hours of fretful sleep.

All of Jack's words, our entire conversation--mostly good, sometimes quite upsetting--kept replaying in my head and my heart.

I don't know who to trust anymore. The Jack of the past, present or future. Are they the same? Are they different? How do I know I'm not setting myself up for another disaster. I don't know if I can trust what can change so quickly.

As I felt that familiar squeeze inside me while I spoke to him, I knew this could only be bad news. I had tried so hard to completely obliterate any feeling for him from me. I knew speaking to him was bad. But, I also wondered why I couldn't just forget everything and start to believe.

...Because I had started to believe once before, had really become attached in a way I wouldn't have ever normally let myself be...only to be rudely awoken from such imaginations by the destruction of those dreams by their very own maker.

At least I know a couple things for sure now:

1) Cynicism and realism must rule my life for now. Otherwise I may get myself into a worser mess.

2) German guy is definitely not the problem. Though I hate such terms, it is I who is emotionally unavailable for him. I must find the cojones when he gets back this Sunday and tell him this--hoping we can remain friends. Oh, the horror.

3) I still love Jack. If I even know what that is. I don't know what to do about this, however. I also know that I will have to continuously force myself to remember certain things in my head to give myself evenness of emotion, mind and temper when dealing with him. I cannot let nostalgia or memories of past good times, nor my willingness to live and let live, fog up my lenses and make me forget the very reasons I had sworn of dating him again in the first place:

a)Jack was not there for me during probably one of the few times I will ever really need someone there. German guy, however, was there. He cried for me, with me and helped me to talk.

b) Jack mentally and emotionally manipulated me, drawing on a patchy past in order to guilt me away from his present misdealings.

c) Jack lied, repeatedly, and made me feel rather worthless. (Okay, scratch the qualifier there.) I still don't know the whole truth about things, and have had to push facts out of him only by confronting him with tidbits of knowledge he cannot deny.

True, I have my own share of faults in the failure of our relationship. In fact, I likely take the blame for things going initially off track. However, it was he who totalled the car and wrecked the entire highway in handling the accident. (Killed that analogy.)

I need to review this list, keep it in mind, and either get over it, or learn from it somehow. I'm trying. I had let myself get way too unknowingly dependent on someone. Thankfully I have learned from my mistakes, am more confident in my abilities to introspectively analyze my mistakes, have trustworthy people I can ask for advice, and am now much more independent of mind and spirit (obviously, somewhat still limping emotionally).

Well, at least I know I can still love someone. He's just probably not the best person. Sorry Jack, but you know it's true.

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