Yesterday I spoke with Jack. Again. (I have got to come up with new ways to start these entries!)

As you can see, this is getting to be a trend--one of those downward spiraling trends. You know the ones, where you can see where it’s all headed (down), but not how it will turn out in the end. That part’s just a black spot at the bottom. Still, black can’t be good.

Anyway, as we were talking Jack asked me three questions. He implored that I answer these questions, and was rather surprised that I agreed—"I’ll do it later, on my blog." I was surprised a little too. Whatever possessed me? Perhaps I figured it was only fair to give my blog a little more objectivity or balance. Although that shouldn’t be necessary here, should it.

Without further ado, the three questions:
1. "What do you like about me?"
2. "Why did you date me?"
3. "Why would you (maybe) date me in the future?"

After everything that has happened between us, these were the three questions I myself had been asking and avoiding and wondering and ignoring. This may have been a ploy on his part to make me dwell on the good bits of our past together and forego my more negative thoughts…so why ever did I agree. Well I’ll take a crack at them, though not necessarily numbered specifically in response.

A ramble will do—

I started dating you because I liked you. The reasons I liked you in the first place have been called into question by everything that has happened, and I don’t really know why I still like you so much more than that I do still like you. You captured my heart and my emotions when I was young and vulnerable—most open to throwing myself whole-heartedly, freely, and stupidly into a relationship. Before I had been sufficiently jaded or made cynical by the realities of dating, heartbreak and relationships.

After having my heart broken, I am no longer that stupid. I have definitely learned a lot.

Okay, so what did I like about you. You were willing to suffer my continuous ramblings of odd thoughts for more than five minutes, without zoning out. Instead, to my surprise, you were able to respond. I enjoy witty repartee, and conversation (note, I didn’t say communication—that was back then, but now the word would be communication) was important to me. I had to be able to speak with someone for prolonged amounts of time without getting bored as hell and wanting to stab myself repeatedly. We could talk for hours. I find that for me my heart is entered much more mentally and linguistically than for many others. The physical aspects are always important, but much more important is the time speaking with one another. That’s where I differentiate between acquaintance, friend and more than friends. That’s also why I don’t think I’d be any good at one night stands. In the time I spend getting to know a person by talking with them, I end up feeling more connected to them, and that allows me to continue on with the relationship. Without the connection, a more-than-friends relationship never gets off the ground for me. You and I talked for a number of months, rather extensively, before "all systems were go." I felt a connection with you.

Also, you were pretty interesting and eclectic. Boring people, well, bore me. You were anything but boring, and always up for spontaneous whatever. I think we were on the same wavelength.

But to be very honest, I have no real clue why I liked you as much as I did. I suppose I chalk up that mystery to the enigmatic "spark" that everybody talks about, which I had never heard about until you mentioned it, giving that feeling a name. I was that innocent.

Now, not so much.

Speaking with you at random times were, I imagine, like what it would be like to take small doses of stimulants ("uppers"). It was quite a high. Plus, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of "the chase." (Something I was actually trying to get rid of.) That’s why I drive the way I do—same rush.

Oh yeah, and speaking about driving. Well, you didn’t back down from challenges or always play it safe. You took risks, in all things…and I liked that. (However, you were also at times willing to call me on those risks, or not act on them, so that we would both continue living. Also important.)

I had never let myself really depend on someone for anything. I was used to being independent and self-sufficient. But, you slowly worked yourself into my life—helping me with things, supporting me when I didn’t know I really needed support, being there—and in the end I was hugely dependent without even knowing it. Though I learned this later. It was glorious.

I’ve resolved never to do that one again.

I guess I’m basically down to the last question, why would I (maybe) date you in the future.

Why would I indeed?

Because I am a masochistic, foolish, stupid girl who doesn’t know what's good for me, who insists on rehashing what should be left long in the past solely because of the "sparky" feeling that is evoked from each and all correspondence and conversation with you. That is why I could.

Or maybe, because I cannot get over the memories of the past, am truly a sentimental, nostalgic, soggy tissue in the shape of a human being, with a Martha Stewart cookie crumb for a brain.

Or, perhaps, the worst of the reasons:

I still f*cking love you. And I hate you for that.


I never got over the fact that no matter what had happened or was happening, Jack could just continue things as if nothing were wrong, per normal, in good humor. Sometimes a good attribute, but in a relationship, it can be bad, and disturbing. I also forgot how many happy faces he always used. Scratch that, never forgot. Just re-remembered.

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