So Jack visited this past weekend. After 14 months of dating, then 14 months of separation...I saw him for three days.

The three days came after a week of complete and utter depression (the wallowing kind)...and the hours after his departure were much the same.

He left at 5:30 p.m...and I went straight for a workout right after. It was definitely a good thing I did that...because I really couldn't bear going back up to my room and sitting there with his scent still lingering in the air...So I took out all that sadness and frustration on the machines over at the gym.

It was wonderful to see him. Despite everything. I guess I don't have much of a backbone...but in a way it was like time travel (as a friend puts it)...and the pit of my stomach hurts now just thinking about how he's gone.

When you don't see a person for a long long time...no matter how well you think you remember them, certain things are forgotten, others blurred over or embellished. Whatever the outcome, I was seeing someone very dear to me...was my thoughts before the meeting. Still true.

And yet, we're not dating.


Because of me. Because I don't want to date long distance. Ever. Ever. Again. But also because of him. Because of history. Because of the future...Because I don't think long-distance dating lends itself to that for me.

Too much miscommunication, guesswork, analysis. I don't want to date my damn cell phone.

And yet. And yet...And yet.

It was so hard for me to have him leave. I tried not to show it. The tears welled up days before...quite soon after his arrival (though I hid them well)...and throughout his stay, whenever I thought about him leaving. I can't kill off what I felt for him, what I feel for him. I can't...and I don't know if I want to...in a way, it's amazing: Clarifying, Focusing, Dizzying, Nauseating...all at the same time.

I'm back at square one. I miss him so much.

I'm not willing to overlook the past, but I'm willing to give it a good autopsy, eulogy and burial. I think we'd both be willing to do that. And that gives me hope...and makes life damn hard to live without him nearby.

I've been sitting here for nearly an hour now...listening to a playlist of "LYLT's all time depressing songs"...

Tonight I'll go to bed with his scent all over my room.

Tomorrow I'll wake up alone. As I wake up alone most days. And the next day and the next.

I'll let that empty feeling continue to grow in me. The feeling of loneliness and isolation that I see to easily nurture within me...

This is going to be some fun year.

No comments: