It's interesting how certain people define particular "eras" in your life. Listen to Alanis Morissette's song, "Unsent"...

When it became famous a handful of years back in the States, I never really got why, myself. I mean, what an annoying, tedious song. But, now, now that I listen to lyrics, now that I have my own personal nostalgias...it all makes so much more sense.

The thing is, as we get older, go through those periods of our life that are set out in front of us--adolescence, teen years, high school, college--I mean, those times are demarcated for us by society. But, really, for me, it was the people I met, the people I knew, that really did it for me.

I find myself relatively friendless now. Actually, not now. Always. I just defined friends differently for most of my life. The thing that I've realized about everything, especially my last year abroad, is that I really do have a personal confidence in myself, which really has nothing to do with anybody or anything else, and less to do with stubborness (then it used to). Friends became really important for me when I had none, and realized this. Sure, I can fill a party with people, and sure I can call up and chat with many different people if I feel like it...but, has there ever been a moment for you where you thought you would just be happier on your own then with whichever particular person you're with at that moment. Perhaps it's because they're not a close enough friend to just sit there with, or maybe you're just tired of all the formalities, superficialities and smiling you have to do.

I like meeting new people, I just can't stand all that stuff that preceeds a good friendship--and sometimes, people just bore me.

In a couple days it will be exactly a month since I (initally) broke off all contact with my former best friend. She was the one that carried it out though.

I wrote her an apology--"I only meant for us to ever be the best of friends"--to end things right. I never got a response.

She defined my high school years.

Where do we learn to let go of these memories, of this nostalgia, of this yearning...for what? More pain?

As a concept, I love nostalgia. It's predicated on the idea that whatever you envision in your memory naturally seems rosier, happier, sunnier...thus the yearning. Things can never go back to what they were, things will never be as beautiful as you envisioned or remembered them...the truths and half-truths and fictions all meld together in a wonderful kaleidoscope...They leave you wishing you could plunge right in and touch the shapes. But you can't.

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