Sometime today, suddenly, I was filled with this feeling of satisfaction. Of plain happiness. Of just beingness...I couldn't even qualify or quantify it. I just didn't want anything ruining the feeling.

I thought I'd reconcile things with the ex-best-friend. Call her up and just ask her how her midterm went, how she's doing. Well, she didn't answer.

Then I thought I'd call up my dad, he'd been trying to get ahold of me for a long time...he didn't answer either.

But I wasn't going to let that ruin my day.

I tried calling up Jack, maybe we could smooth things over from the other day. He didn't pick up either.

I suppose technology has ruined me a bit. But, sometimes I feel like the fact that I am so connected to everyone exacerbates that feeling of being disconnected and isolated. Everyone's so in tune with everything that if you're out of it, you're really all alone. It's like that idea of being lonely in a crowd versus lonely alone. It's so much lonelier in a crowd...

When I was living in Paris people told me the city was a lot like New York. You could live there for years without knowing your neighbor. In a way, I find most big cities like that. They're gatherings of somewhat neurotic, basically lonely people. How sad that they're all in one place, but rarely find each other. I used to ponder about that...a lot.


You know, it really is damn hard when you outgrow someone. What's harder is realizing that, accepting it, and moving on.

I realized a while ago, maybe about a year ago, that achievements in life mean only so much if it's just you and you alone who witnesses and cares about it. Being the richest person on Earth means little without someone to share it with. On a hyperbolic level that works, but even more so for us middling persons.

Over here I spend the majority of my days alone. And I love it. I would not have been able to take it a couple years ago, I would have gone insane. The thing is, today nobody wants to sit alone with their own thoughts. Media distracts them at every pause of their day--ipod, cell phone--there's always something people are doing. I am as guilty of this, if not dependent on it sometimes (I can't live without my music). But the thing is, I've learned to live alone and be alone...and just be. And that has helped me immensely. One reason I am so very glad I went abroad.

However, one thing I still cannot deal with well is the transition points. Maybe I am extreme, but there are many randoms that I just associate with occasionally...here and there, whatever. I don't invest overly in our relationship, I imagine neither do they. I care about them in a general friendly way, but nothing much more than anyone else. If I see them every once in a while, that's okay. I am not a demanding person.

And that's the way it is...for 99.9% of the people I know.

As for that other 0.1%...here's a little secret. Most people in this world annoy me. I mean really annoy the hell out of me. I figure I may as well come clean. I'm sure I annoy many people too...but I simply cannot imagine having a truly satisfying friendship with most people. I know right from the beginning if I click with someone or not. Often I think we mutually like each other, but also realize that we're not of the same "sect," so to speak. Kind of like you just now that you'll never end up with random whoever on the street. Ya just know.

There are rare rare rare occasions where I meet people who I can consider as potentials to be good friends. These occasions are so rare that I can count them on one hand. This ex-best-friend of mine, she was one. She was the only best friend I ever had, and I never thought I would ever have one anyway. I mean, it just wasn't my thing. I had a lot of random friends and aquaintances, tons in fact, but no best friend. I was a lonely kid within, but you wouldn't have known it from looking at me and my groups of friends. Imagine the surprise...

And so, it is these types of 0.1% people that I am talking about in this situation, when I talk about not being able to transition. I cannot go from being alone and content as such, to inviting a 0.1% person I care about back into my life...to letting them back out...to letting them back in...

These people think they can just pop into my life without much consideration for my mental and emotional health. And it is just killing me.

I fear that I shall be left a numb shell of a person at the end of all this, without any willingness to emotionally or mentally invest in anyone or anything.

And you know what? It's my fault. I am too exreme in things. I either care too much, or not at all. And even though I am still hesistant to invest. I wholeheartedly throw my expectations onto and into this one thing, like some jittery pre-pubescent girl...and then just let it snowball.

Stupid stupid stupid me.

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