My head hurts. Though better than yesterday, I suppose.

I'm feeling rather directionless in all things right now--life, both personal and academic. I've never felt this lost academically. I always knew that I would come through. But now, there is this deep-seated fear that I will not, that my own thoughts are hardly adequate, and that I must somehow double, triple the size of my brain in order to accomplish the task I have set for myself. And why. Why did I do this to myself? Ambition? Stupidity. I over-estimated myself. No lack of self-esteem there, it seems.

/nerd discourse

As for my personal life--really should be in scare quotes--in that, I disappoint others. It's a talent I have acquired over the years, and maybe I really am too egocentric to stop. So last night I turned to alcohol to numb my overactive head and heart...to forget. I did for some time. Somewhere between pensive and playful. I talked about all sorts of things that didn't make any sense...and thought about things that meant a lot to me.

Of course, my night also could't have been special without a buzzed-nearing-drunk phone call to the EBF (Ex-Best-Friend), who later blows me off online. I guess I really wasn't in an all too coherent state at that point...

...okay, so I just reread our last conversation, which took place on aim, and she didn't blow me off, in all fairness. She told me we would talk about things later.

It's always later, and there is never time. Not for anything.

There will always be some reason not to deal with anything, and then, people accuse me of being "distant" from them. Well, why in the hell should I be close? Where is the motivation? How do I know what I say/do/write will not be used against me in the judge and jury court of whoever? I don't.

Yes, oh pity me, yes yes...Well, if I can't do it here, I would perhaps have to actually speak about these things, and well...

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