My boss was right. I am a loser.

As is so common in my life right now. I can't sleep.

A song comes on Pandora--"All good things (come to an end)" by Nelly Furtado. It's a song that I definitely identify with. Ironically, it was introduced to me by a former friend. Well, a "friend" in title, at least. But no longer a friend in reality, it seems. And I don't quite understand it. I mean, I feel like I've done my part here. I truly do. And it bothers me. Isn't that okay? Why do I feel guilty for letting it bother me?

I realized some time ago, and only recently came to truly accept, the fact that most of my friends do not live nearby, that I somehow have managed to cultivate long-thin ties to friends that span states, countries and continents...and that maybe it is my nature, or my avoidance of true friendship. Maybe it is my fault. I'm not sure. It wasn't intentional.

The friends I have here, were often friends of convenience. Were they people I truly shared passions with? Interests with? Temperaments with? Values with? I think that's unlikely.

When one enjoys one's company more than the company one keeps...you know it's time to cut ties. IS there a reason to keep people around for mere ornamentation?

But then, ah, what about that overpowering feeling of loneliness. You know, when everyone has people who care about them, and you're just...you. Pathetic.

The fact alone that one cannot cultivate a good friendship must be telling. I've cultivated them before, but someone have managed to screw them over...or at least I've watched them disintegrate often for reasons I don't quite understand. Maybe I'm a lazy friend? Maybe I'm not express enough? Maybe I don't do enough? Maybe I don't need enough? Maybe I'm not social enough? I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

I just know that most of the people who are "friends" of mine, are not friends.

I know that if I left this place tomorrow. If I canceled my life online. If I closed up shop. If I just left. Barring my parents, no one would notice. Not. One. Soul.

Because no one checks on me. No one really cares. And not that I need someone to check on me. God knows that is annoying. (There you see, maybe another reason I have no friends.) But, it would be nice to know people care every once in a while.

This is a grave I dug myself, however, perhaps because I did not put in enough effort to my friendships.

But when I think that way, I think about this friendship that I did put effort into...and this other one too...and that other one too...and I am baffled.

I wish I weren't a socially-minded animal.

I wish I had friends. Here. Now. With me.

I know. I know. As I said before. I did it to myself. In focusing on work, I focused out nearly everything else. But did I?

I've always thought that I could play hard and work hard. I've done this most of my life. Yet, I wonder what little of me that leaves for truly investing in relationships. All work, all play. No investment. What energy do I have left for someone else? What energy is necessary for someone else? Would that be a chore if it existed?

Is my chaotic life truly just an organization scheme that allows me to avoid all true ties with people, all real connections? To avoid everything other than a passing superficial relationship?

Why am I always running? What am I running toward? What am I running from?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey les yeux de la tetelia (you don't want your name on this, right?),

I may be many states away, and we may not talk much at all, but I do still check up on this blog from time to time -- and I would absolutely notice if you disappeared entirely. I bet there are far more people that would notice than you think.

I do kind of know what you're talking about though...I hope things have improved in the past few weeks or start to improve soon.