I realized long ago that I have a problem.

It's impossible for me to make people think I care about them.

Truly truly impossible. The more I care, the more likely I seem to portray that I do not care.

Maybe there's a psychological name for my disease. Lucky for me it only affects the few relationships I really care about--family and close friends.

So far this mental derangement has resulted in me alienating the best friend I have ever had (whom I still consider my best friend, and forever will)...who now tries to avoid me at all cost and cannot stand me--simply put, my existence (if acknowledged) ruins her life.

And what's more...unfortunately, I still care. Meaning--she still thinks I don't care. at all.

The funny (sad) thing is, most people assume things about me that are entirely opposite the truth of what I am feeling or thinking. Case in point, an entire day I could be thinking about how I really want to talk to a person, but, maybe I don't for some reason--w/out a doubt, the person thinks I never thought of them, cared about them and I have no desire whatsoever to speak with them. Instead of enjoying speaking with them, the first things said to me are something along the lines of the incorrect assumption, which of course leads to a disagreement and prevents my hope to enjoy whatever time b/c I missed the presence of whichever person.

I really miss my friendship with my friend. Have you ever known someone who knew you so well...knew your every expression, hope, worry, need and fear...? It's almost scary how well she knew me. knows me. Unforunatley, this gives way to much power to the idea of assumption--she thinks she knows everything about me even things that, unfortunately, may be wrong. I miss that friend who could read me and understand me, even my general expressions--my wants and needs. I really miss that. But, again, perhaps I'm selfish--I mean, if I read back...all of that is self-centered, literally.

It's true, I am selfish in my relationships. I need to try and be less so. It's already cost me so much.

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