I don't know why I constantly try and do myself in. I was becoming completely fine and comfortable without hearing anything from Patrick. I didn't hope for it, didn't want it even. But of course...that fatal email I sent him...he finally responded to...many days afterwards, after I was finally able to stop thinking about him. Well, that ruined that. Why? Well, I emailed him.

Subject: none

i'm sorry.

les yeux de la tete

Didn't get a reponse for many days. Then when I did...(and I'd almost forgotten about the email, which was sent out the day after the fateful happening, in a sort of upset frenzy. I also got him "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I should have Internet taken away from me during some moments of weakness. Luckily, he ignores my calls...so, yeah, haven't gotten through to him but once in the nearly four months that I've been calling and calling and calling him. I suppose I've spent at least $20 on him not answering his phone. Too bad he can't spare the couple bucks to call me. But, yet again, I digress.

So his response was.

Subject: none

just got back...

Me too.


I noticed a couple things about this. First of all...where had he gone? none of my business. But, given the fact that he had no money to pay for a 30 cents, two minute phone call to me...it doesn't seem likely that he could have gone anywhere really...But, yeah, somehow, since I know he got to the Mojave Desert from Philly twice within a two month period...I don't doubt the fact that he probably did go somewhere...without much trouble either.

What else I noticed...he wrote his response in almost the opposite of how I wrote my email. I had everything in lowercase letters, he responded in capitals. Perhaps it's the English major in me. But cmon...he's really compensating here!

Then...all those feelings came back. Damn me! Where does this leave us now?

Against my better judgment I've kept trying to reach him, but he doesn't answer his phone...and I bet I'm the only "Unknown" number calling him. I wish I had a random U.S. area code number...to see if he'd answer. It's quite ridiculous. Why have a cell phone? Anyway...I also sent him an email on math jokes. He replied a two word email in response.

I hate the fact that I am waiting for a response from him, or something from him...yet again. I was totally over it...and yet, now it's back again. Grrr. I am so very impatient. The night of our breakup Patrick called me "the most impatient person I have ever met"--Yes, it's true.

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