When shit hits the fan, the fan breaks and you get quite a mess.

That's me right now. The fan, that is.

I have hurt someone very dear to me much more than I can stand...and it is not only torturing me to hurt them, but also just generally painful.

Jack, who I have not been dating this whole time, but have basically been de facto dating for some time...and I broke up our non-relationship last night/early morning. In all honesty it was a breakup that we seemed to both know was coming--at least temporarily. But, there is so much greater a gamble on that last part when two people split ways. How does one find the energy to reinvest in anything else? To reinvest again, from the beginning? How does one feel right about that?

I have this feeling that Jack will be fine. He always ends up that way. He has an enviably cheery outlook on the world that I have always admired. And when we were dating, it helped give me some balance. I suppose it's a selfish fear of mine that I will lose him in all of this, this whatever I need, because it was me who said I needed to "make sure." Those dreadful words.

And trust me, I hate myself for it. But, when you're in your first longterm relationship and so much shit has happened over a three-year span...how can you be sure? Maybe, I'm not as decisive as the next person. But I wish I knew.

Sometimes I wonder how everything would have been different if my parents had actually approved of our relationship, if my EBF had not been who she was and supported me on it instead of talking against it. Sometimes I wonder if that would have made me more decisive and made me able to dive straight in, instead of analyzing on the outskirts--letting critical and cynical get in the way.

I hope I haven't made the mistake of my life and lost him forever.

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