The Makings of a Workaholic?

I've never before been so content with work and with the generalities of my life. Sure, I have problems and things I need to resolve. Sure, it'd be nice to have someone special in my life that I could share all these things with. But I love what I do. I love my work. I enjoy the people I work with daily. I strive for constant improvement. I look forward each day to going to work, and I don't mind waking up early (so much)...Fridays are great, but so are Mondays--each for different reasons. I am so very fortunate.

On the other hand, I know I should find some balance to my life. The great temptation is to throw myself entirely into my work. It's a very great temptation, and if I didn't have Winston to deal with, I'm sure I would quite easily succumb. On the side I try and nurture relationships with people, or at least maintain these relationships. Sometimes it's very easy to grow single-minded (at least for me), and to concentrate far too obsessively on one goal (work), or another (a relationship), or something else (who knows). I've tried hard to let people in my life know how important they are to me. I didn't used to--nor did I maintain as good contact as I try to do now. I still know I need to improve.

Augh. These entires always grow so stilted. Especially when I don't post more regularly. (My bad.) Today I got the fourth and final season of "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" in the mail. It was a very exciting day. Seriously. The thing is, I believe the show is highly under-rated. If I were to list three outside media resources that have deeply influenced my life they would have to be--

1) Shogun
2) Sun Tzu
3) Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

#3 I state not only because of Dean Cain, but more so because of the moral and ethical stands it takes. The complexity of these things and the emotional and more mental angle it takes in dealing with the Superman tale makes Deborah Joy Levine's rendition of Superman my favorite--by far. Anyway, I blather on here about this in order to ignore a couple things that are bothering me right now. And here I shall list them:

1) My friend who just got engaged sent me a message in which he seemingly wanted to see how I was doing and catch up. When I tried to give him a call, his phone number was no in service. When I messaged him, he did not respond--even though it was evident that he was updating his profile. This not only baffles me, but really bothers me.

2) Jack has come online a couple times in the last week--signing off randomly without a word to me. These are the only two times in the last six months of no contact whatsoever on his end. What does it mean? If I only knew. Why do I wonder? If only I could stop. I'm getting better. Hopefully better sooner rather than later. Sometimes I wonder--if it's so hard to stop wondering, maybe I was never supposed to, in the first place. (Stop, that is.)

3) I'm amazed and annoyed by two very contradictory things. a) The huge number of friends I have here at home, and b) The huge lack of friends I have here at home.

Let me explain the third point. It seems that I know lots of people here. Invariably, if I go out, I will see someone I know. But, usually it's someone I have no real interest--other than a momentary superficial interest and mild curiosity--in finding out about and talking to. The few friends I enjoy hanging out with I often feel I must stagger myself with, for fear of "out-friending" my welcome, of annoying them, or whatever other reason frightens me. In general I can usually tell when a person is someone I can be good friends with, or not. And that's about that. The problem is that I worry far too much about other peoples' opinions, and I care too much about what these friends (rightly so) and others (wrongly so), think.

The people in my program are all really nice, at least on the surface. But sometimes this paranoid thought comes to mind that they're not truly my friends. Or, maybe some are, but I feel like a few don't really like me. It's hard to know. But even now, at the very beginning, I'm sometimes a bit of an outcast. I don't like being dependent on others and so I rarely carpool (despite a belief in the environmental benefit of doing so)--we also may need our cars at a moment's notice, so it's not very practical in terms of providing instant mobility. Others are willing to take the risk, but I'm not. I fear I alienate myself, or distance myself too much. There again, I fear too much.

When it comes to mutual friends, I always feel like I'm opposing on the third party. And most often, in a way, I think I am. They most likely prefer the singular company of the second party...but, there I am. And so, I get the scraps--if not actually, intentionally and mentally.

There's a reason why people say loneliness "gnaws"--it begins to hurt. You can feel it. It aches. I no longer experience that gnawing and instability I once felt. I have figured out--on a very general basis--what "home" is. It is the place where my loved ones are. That is the emptiness you feel when you are away. In this case, I am close enough to "home"--despite the physical lack of one. I no longer feel the loneliness that gnaws; I am merely a loner. As I always felt myself to be before EBF. So many superficial relationships, so many relationships, so many randoms, so many specifics--but what does it all matter anyway. There is only one relationship right now that I truly care about. That I am truly dedicated to. My work. Those two words make me happy...and very sad.

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